Would you miss it?

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Something my T asked me the other day. I have severe dissociation or something and I fall asleep a lot during our sessions. I was explaining to him what it feels like for me (it's not an altogether negative experience) and he asked me if I would miss it if it was gone.

I told him that I wouldn't because I'm not actually aware of it until after it's happened and I don't know when it's gonna happen so how can I miss something that I'm unaware of.

My question is would you miss your illness or disorder or condition if it was gone?

My therapist used to fall asleep, so at least you're one up on that! I assume I'd miss my ASD because that's the only way I've known myself. I can't imagine not having it, although it would be nice to have some of the sensory drama subside a little. I want to say I'd like to get rid of my ADHD but I don't know if that's true either, because it's so engrained in me I can't even picture what it is, or what it affects. At the same time, I wish I could get a better hold on my EF but c'est la vie.

My dissociation? I'd never give that up. I like being able to step aside briefly like a comedic trope, casting witty insights my own way. I'm my own worst critic but it's helpful too, and I surely need to keep myself in line in that way. I kind of break the 4th Wall on a regular basis, but I'm my own audience so it's all fun and games because no one loses an eye.

Are you in control of when your dissociation comes.

I go out like a light. Sometimes mid sentence.

The last thing I can remember in my therapy session last week was my T asking me if I needed to go to sleep and me say no and the next thing I knew it was time to go home.

During the time I was out of it we played ball (I know this because we always play ball). Its like one of me falls asleep and another one takes my place. I wouldn't miss being out of control in this way.

I woke up about fifteen minutes ago and am now sipping my first cup of coffee for the day. I'm saying that because there's a good chance I'll be more than a little scatter brained here in my response.

Years ago I was dx'd with a dissociative disorder. I used to lose a lot of time. Sometimes it would really piss me off but most of the time it was so normal that even when I'd do things like walk into the kitchen and notice it was suddenly painted red...I'd just carry on like I knew it had been painted even though I had no idea if I had done that or not. It was like the only option was to play normal and act like I hadn't spaced out the last few days or whatever as I tried to put the pieces together. The goal was apparently to fly under the radar. I haven't had stuff like that happen in ages.

I don't miss it. But something no one warned me about was the sheer volume of time you have to live once you're present for all of it all the time, every single hour, every single day, every week, month, year and so on. That was not (maybe ever?) my normal and I was not even close to prepared for that. I also had to deal with everything, every single time something happened. It was very overwhelming to me. I wasn't prepared for a lot of things, really. Adjusting was hard and at first I was pissed off. Now? I wouldn't go back to that if I had the choice.

As for the rest of my stuff... I have no idea how to pull myself apart from the autism. Somedays I want it gone, most of the time though, I'm so change resistant that the idea of having to relearn how to navigate life as a nt sounds like an overwhelming nightmare of a task that I lack the energy for. Besides, I don't dislike myself so I'm fine with how I am. I have my OCD stuff under control and I'm glad for that. That crap can go as far as I'm concerned. I argue with the gad dx (I don't think it's technically anxiety), but I'd like it if my heart rate wouldn't sporadically get out of control on me and make me put in effort to get it back to normal. But maybe that's a good thing that I should keep as my body is more often than not my clue in that something is not right in my head (my stupidity with emotions is impressive) and that's how I know something is wrong. Maybe I would actually miss that one. It is helpful despite being annoying.

Did that actually happen, about painting the kitchen red, or did you just make that up as an extreme example?

I like how you describe things. The bit about blanking out resonates with me but I never feel like I'm blanked out. I feel like I'm there in a dream sequence going through the motions of life while lost in my head, but sometimes there are huge gaps in my memory which I attribute to poor memory rather than DD. I think my ADHD is so bad that I don't focus enough to log memories into my brain in the first place, let alone retrieve them at will.

I'd love my ASD to go away. It's a wonder they haven't invented medication to help with some autism symptoms such as sensory issues or something. Not a cure but just medication, like you can get for other disorders such as ADHD and Bipolar. I think I'd feel happier in life if I wasn't so jumpy and nervous and could filter out loud noises more. I'd also feel happier if I was more confident when interacting, although this doesn't show enough to make people suspect anything but it still seems to prevent friendships (with my female peers) before they get a chance to develop. Then I'd feel like ASD has gone away, more or less. I wouldn't mind just being ADHD/OCD/anxiety. Actually not anxiety so much but I am aware that there is medication for that but I'm happy on Sertraline even though it doesn't stop my anxiety but it does regulate my mood pattern. That helps an awful lot and makes me feel more normal and able to get along with people better. Before I went on Sertraline my mood made me be a nightmare person to live with. I'd suddenly become exhausted easily from smiling and being chilled, and I'd suddenly change and become stroppy (sorry, don't know the American equivalent for stroppy but I like the word).

There are medications which can be used for autistic hypersensitivity. They're classed as atypical antipsychotics. That doesn't mean we're psychotic. It means we're atypical, I guess. Most of them are designed to control our outbursts and meltdowns, which means they help with sensory overwhelm. Some of them calm the nervous system so we don't self-harm, stim too much, or do repetitive behaviours like hand flapping (I know you don't hand flap and I don't either, but I mean any repetitive behaviours.)

I was on Risperidone for BFRBs which were self-injurious and it worked quite well. I recently took Quetiapine, mostly for sleep, but it's indicated for autistic anxiety too. Even the med that I'm on now for ADHD is designed for autistic children (with ADHD and ASD), to help with dysregulated focus or feelings. It's not an antipsychotic but a non-stimulant ADHD med for autism.

I've done Sertraline so I know what you're saying. For me, it felt good when I took it but now that I'm off I can tell I was kind of a zombie on it. It regulated my mood pattern but I felt the same all the time like I was flatlined. I couldn't even cry because I couldn't experience mood shifts enough to warrant tears. It also amped up my anxiety about tenfold. I'm really glad to be off it. It helped with trauma but messed me up in other ways.

^My emotions are still working correctly on Sertraline (or overworking, should I say). I think for me mood and emotions were two different things. Before I went on Sertraline my mood would become flat, meaning I'd become easily irritable and react inappropriately, like yelling at a loved one for asking a question. I knew it was inappropriate of me but I couldn't help myself, I just suddenly got fed up and angry for no reason (no sensory triggers or anything). It's like I'd become sulky and insolent and couldn't snap out of it.
Being on Sertraline I still get emotions of course, still often intense, but my mood has regulated more, being I am more in control of myself and I don't suddenly go all moody and aloof when socialising. I'm scared to come off Sertraline in case my mood swings and bad behaviour come back, making me snappy and irritable and on the verge of a rage outburst. It's awful being like that, for the people living with me.
I know we're not psychotic but I did behave psychotically before I went on Sertraline. It was like I was this angry mess, not smashing things up or physically hurting anybody though, just verbally and in my body language. Like I'd tell a loved one to f**k off if they were in my way because I was just irritated. I knew it wasn't very nice so that was why I went on Sertraline, and ever since (some 9 years ago) I have been more able to regulate my mood and naturally be pleasant to live with. But I still get anxious, depressed, angry, etc, but it doesn't affect my behaviour so much.

{{{ hugs babybird }}}

It's f****d up that people caused you to have trauma.
They're the fuckups, not you.
You learned the only coping mechanism that worked.

Trauma sucks, but you're going to be OK.

I won't ever miss any potential comorbidities that I have.
Most especially whatever caused my emotional liabilities...

Autism? That depends.

I'd miss being instinctively 'free' from conforming, I do not miss all related EF issues ever, and I'm completely neutral with my sensory thresholds and intensities and all that.

Although...
Me with zero issues and all the upsides would go full throttle towards life and living, if losing diagnosis actually meant 'no longer unreliable and dysfunctional', not just losing diagnosis meant 'nope, wrong label/clinically no longer checking boxes but still has the same old yet different issues regardless'.

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@Flea,

Was most of your trauma in childhood? I had childhood emotional trauma that caused me to slip into my "dreamworld" where I was married to Elton John, around age 5. Childhood SA at age 7 pushed me farther into my head, and far from the madding crowd. I hate to say but none of it was as severe or damaging as my adult trauma (age 33-41) from which I'm still recovering. I think I was too old by that point for the dissociation to go much farther. I just checked out emotionally and shut down instead, or built a wall around myself. Maybe if my adult stuff had happened in childhood I'd be finding red walls in my house too, because I would have been in my formative years with no other escape. Maybe that's the difference, if that makes sense?

The first time I know of was the sa that happened when I was right about three. My whole childhood was far from ideal. The sa did continue on, though not by the first person I recall assaulting me. That stopped when we moved so I could go to kindergarten in a different city. My mom also abused me, there was sa, verbal abuse, neglect, things like that. She's a junkie and things were always crazy. I still don't have a solid handle on what all went down when I was a kid and it used to really bother me because I wanted answers. I came to a place though where I'm at peace with knowing that I might not ever know what all happened to me.

I've read that before, that you're more likely to develop DID or DID type symptoms if you experience early childhood trauma. Something about the brain development if I recall correctly. It's been ages since I was into reading up on that stuff, but I want to say it was part of the diagnostic criteria for it, at least back when I was doing the trauma work...dunno what the rules are for that now or if I'm even remembering it right. But it's like your brain won't straight up split into multiple 'yous' after a certain age. You can still detach and disconnect... might have derealization or depersonalization as well as a sh** storm of other less than ideal outcomes, but yeah, I think at a certain age the ability to become someone else just stops being an option for the brain. Brains are wild and fascinating things.