IISo many (mis)diagnosis that I'm at a loss

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TW: abuse, suicide, rape, incest and so on

In retrospect, now that I am 50 yrs old, and have been in therapy for over 30 yrs (! !!) is that a lot of pathologies/illnesses are misdiagnosed, mistreated and that oftentimes psychiatrists are disrespectful and downright abusive to their patients themselves, as if growing up in a dysfunctional, abusive family with toxic parents wasn't enough!

Both my toxic parents are now deceased but the abuse goes on... as the family dynamics are rotten... I have a stepbrother who is the golden child while I am the scapegoat, the one who tells the uneasy truth about the abuse going on in this cult-like family,
and how toxic all of my relatives are, I have no ally whatsoever among them, it's a David vs. Goliath kinda struggle, it's a miracle that I even survived so much abuse and so many forced institutionalizations - I got assaulted and even raped in the hospital too instead of being taken care of and left it even more traumatized - no one did anything to protect me).

Here's a catalog of stigmatizing mental health labels that abusive (or incompetent, and often disrespectful, misogynistic psychiatrists) labeled me with:

the main diagnosis was "bipolar disorder". for over 3 decades there has been a debate amongst my many doctors as to decide if I had bipolar disorder or not. there was massive denial about the CSA and other forms of abuse I've been through, about the traumatic consequences, and none of all the docs, therapists and psychiatrists and psychologists I spent so much time money and energy on saw the autistic part, the vulnerability that goes with it, nor the trauma (PTSD, dissociation or DID and other consequences of a lifetime of abuse that went... unpunished. no justice, no peace).

not one(or very little) of those therapists acknowledged the facts and the reality of the abuse (I had to face systemic denial and/or minimization amongst healthcare professionals), none of them saw that I had Asperger's, and deeply-rooted, unhealed trauma, related to multiple traumatic events.

I self diagnosed the Asperger's syndrome and the PTSD in the mid-90's and was finally proven right in... 2018. But I still don't have the right treatment/therapy combo for my suffering. Go figure.

Still to this day, I have a psychiatrist who absolutely believes that I have bipolar disorder and now, he recently diagnosed me with... BPD. Borderline personality disorder. He never talks about the abuse, says "I MUST forgive" (he's a Catholic) no matter what bla bla blah
He knows little to nothing about autism and keeps making the wrong diagnosis. Does not see the trauma, or the autistic traits, etc Does nothing about it.

I don't feel treated with respect nor as a person by this psychiatrist, nor as a whole human being, but as a guinea pig for his diagnosis and treatment (that does not work DUH). A few anti-depressants here, an few anti-anxiety pills there, nothing much really.

I call what he does "cosmetic medicine", like too many psychiatrists, he just sees the symptoms, and treats them cosmetically, on the surface, prescribing whatever pill(s) will make the symptoms go away, but never ever addressing the root cause of my pain which is the abuse, sexual and otherwise, and its traumatic consequences. All the manipulations, the emotional abuse, the death threats I've received - and continue to receive - from toxic relatives, the silent treatment, the robbing me from my money, exploiting me (making me work as a slave with no wages) all the backlash that comes with being the truth teller in a family full of dirty, shameful secrets (incest being just one of them). The fact that I was forced into adult responsibilities as a child but I'm now treated as a child when I'm an adult. And probably the most vulnerable of the lot, but also the healthiest: I'm the only one in the family who did not become abusive, who has no history of abusing alcohol and illegal drugs. I'm just not attracted by this. And I'm angry now that I realize, in hindsight how much harm was done to me by disrespectful abusive doctors, some of them sexual pervs themselves. With abuse of legal, prescription drugs, that I have to fight, too.

I do yoga, meditation and what not. More often than not, talk therapy does not work in cases of trauma. Talking about it is nearly impossible to put into words and can be re-traumatizing instead of healing/helpful.

I'm full of rage, that's for sure.

so yeah:
bipolar disorder
PTSD
Asperger's
histrionic personality disorder
DID/dissociation
BPD/borderline
severe depression
anxiety
impulsivity
suicidal ideation
suicidal attempts
eating disorders and what not

but I've heard a lot of denial: you're not disabled! some shouted at me, you're not bipolar! (what's with the yelling, folks? where's the compassion, the empathy towards my pain?) how dare you call yourself a health care professional when you don't care at all, you're abusive yourself...

my trauma is real, and my feelings are valid, even if most health care profesionals did not believe me and the perps got away with it (thanks to rape culture, mainly)

it just doesn't make sense: I'm traumatized and in tremendous physical and psychological pain as a result of abuse (including by health care professionals) but I simply cannot have all those disorders at once!

My feeling is that those lables are mainly main to feel the medical staff reassured and less anxious, it's a comfortable feeling to put a label and someone and think (wrongly) that "this is a problem solved".

I'm a fierce survivor but I'm also sick and tired of all this.

Any thoughts?

Please be kind and compassionate, I've been through enough already.

Hi Tea

I read your post and it ended with 'any thoughts?' What you describe is quite an abrasive journey. You say you have been diagnosed with many disorders. In my experience, a diagnosis of ASD is evidence based. It appears that you want to wear your many 'diagnosis' on your sleeve, but at the same time you appear to discredit the many health professionals in your story. The headline is 'abuse, suicide, rape, incest'. I can see why it may be difficult for many to reply to your post. However, my question is were you ignored as a child? If so, how did you make up for the lack of attention?

kuze

Teabutterfly2407 I am sorry you have had to go through all this. It sounds like you are taking the best care of yourself that you can under the circumstances. With regard to all your opposing diagnoses, why couldn't you "just" have CPTSD? I don't see that on the list but it would be so natural for you to have that.

I hope things turn around for you soon and that you find a way to go very very low contact with your family.

The Bipolar and Borderline are common labels thrown at females with Autism, if and until they are finally given a correct diagnosis.

I'm really sorry you've been through so much, please tell me these people aren't the ones in control of your money? This is a good place, I'm glad you've found Wrong Planet.