Feeling ashamed of myself for having sadistic delusions

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I feel guilt, remorse, and shame for having sadistic delusions about my former bullies and I feel bad for wanting to be a mass shooter or a serial killer to murder or slaugter my former bullies, it was a delusional thing I made excuses about.

I have been to the ER and then psych hospital for only a day and I was diagnosed with mental health issue with no useful info, then I was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder with other symptoms and I was assessed for Autism and got diagnosed with Autism Spectrum. My diagnosis of PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) changed to Autism Spectrum.

I asked my nurse why I was being released so early as I still was mentally unstable and he explained to me that I behaved too well and that the outpatient treatment program is more appropriate for people like me.

I am sorry if I sounded a bit antisocial. I don't have empathy for people who made fun of me in the past, but I don't want to go to prison, so I learned to control my anger issues.

I feel so embarrassed

I was so angry that I had a delusional belief that murdering my former bullies was the answer. I also had a command hallucination telling me to murder my former bullies and I turned myself into a psychiatric facility.

I don't want the SWAT team coming to my house, I am trying my best to behave.


I have a Delusional Disorder, but I am legally sane and intelligent.

I feel so R-word, stupid, and delusional for what I thought. Due to the Autism Spectrum Disorder, I don't understand what porn is at all. There are some videos and pictures that I downloaded from ages 13-22 that are allowed on YouTube and in reality erotic and not porn. I feel bad and there is no excuse for the delusional belief I had. I hope that everything is okay on your side. I even thought that tango dance was porn...

I still feel very embarrassed about my anger issues in the past and talking about my dark and twisted fantasies about doing something terrible to people who made fun of me in the past. I also feel embarrassed about what I talked about in the past online, because there was police involvement as someone reported me to the police due to my past behavior online. I once had voices in my head telling me to do those things to people who made fun of me in the past and was in a psychiatric hospital to treat the voices in my head, but still, I feel ashamed of myself.

I know that this was two years ago, but every time I remember what I said online and even the voices that I had, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself, I am sorry!

Although I had symptoms of Unspecified Personality Disorder symptoms with paranoid fantasies before Bipolar 1 Disorder, and although I have Autism Spectrum and it's a neurodevelopmental disorder, I would still get the death penalty if I acted on my paranoid fantasies as it's plans of class A felonies, and also because I am not intellectually disabled.

Although your brain is not that developed until age 25-26, it's a good idea to diagnose mental disorders at age 12-15 as soon it develops to improve the symptoms rather than just waiting for it to become worse until it turns into delusions and hallucinations. If Premorbid Personality Disorder is emerging in young adulthood before Schizophrenia Spectrum and Other Psychotic Disorders, it's best to diagnose it at age 18 if it is severe or age 23 if it is mild, so you can no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for mental disorder and get it treated as soon as possible.

It sounds like a lot FranzOren, and I'm really sorry you have to deal with it all. I don't really feel qualified to give you any advice, in your situation sounds like you could do with more professional support to help you understand and manage what happened to you and how it is still affecting you. But i don't know what is available to you.

If I we're you, i think I'd probably be scared that there was a part of myself that i couldn't trust to give me accurate information and sensible advice. You must be questioning everything. .

I can relate to fantasising about getting revenge on people who bullied you. I think that's probably something most people do. But it seems there's a part of your brain that blurs the line between the fantasy and the making it real.

All I can say is, despite the things you've thought and felt in the past, you've so far been lucid enough to take action to protect people from anything you might have imagined doing. That suggests that you do have fail-safes in your brain, and that should be an encouraging thought.

But i think ultimately you should try to get any professional help available to you because guilt and shame can eat you up and you don't have anything to feel guilty or shameful about.