I feel like I'm going crazy.

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Idk how to fully explain in person without coming off as a bumbling mess but I'm sick of everything, I can't stand this apartment, I want to go back to therapy, but I can't unfortunately due to my rent, I desperately need it but I'm basically trapped inside all day trapped in my thoughts. The rent and everything prevent it, the lease is up but I feel like I'm going to possibly snap. All I want is to try and get help but I feel like I'm unable to. I'm going to move back in with my dad's once it is up but I am afraid of snapping and trying to disappear. I can't take the flashbacks and getting angry at stuff that happened a while back, I'm sick of my violent thoughts. I just want to feel like a normal person and not feel like a husk and a monster. I wish I had the guts to kill myself, but I'd rather not put my family through it again due to one of my siblings doing it. I'm sick of pretending like I'm ok and showing no emotion, I cry every day when no one's around. I'm not sorry for myself I just wish I could have been a normal functioning human being, but childhood abuse plus my autism has turned me into a f*****g wreck of an adult. This has also caused me to go into the WN pipeline and befriended people. I am aware that this isn't good, but I at least get the feeling that these people at least understand me and my struggles, I was never even RW before all of this. I've met many fellow autists in it who understood me. But it just turned me more hateful, and bitter. I feel like I'm becoming something I never was or wanted to be. Idk who I even am, I feel like my memories, and even the family photos of me are someone else. I wish I didn't even have my name.

I am sorry about the wall of texts, but I feel desperate and just want to be heard. I know I will get hate for falling in that side. Maybe someone here can relate to this and have a similar feeling or experience?

I feel for you. I have been there.
Just know that you are not alone. I remember back in the days when I was at my worst, just after some horrible memories came back to the surface, I felt like I had sunk to the bottom of the ocean. I lived in a dark, cold, silent place full of monsters, and I had the weight of that entire mass of water on my shoulders. When my therapist told me to try and put a face to my conflicting personalities I saw a very angry and scared 6 year old child on one side, and on the other a dark column of smoke, with no substance or emotion. I stayed in that place for almost a decade.

We all heal in different ways, and in our own time. And also, not everything needs to be healed, just sayin' But for me it was group therapy that kinda got things started in the right direction. I was super dubious about it at first esp since I am not particularly good in groups situations. But I was kind of taken aback by the people I met. I was afraid I was going to be faced with another bunch of people trying to offer me various solutions and "wellness exercises" and was ready to F off if it had been the case. But it turned out to be the opposite. It was the first time that I allowed myself to express just how bad things felt inside, sometimes in the grossest of terms, because all I got in response was silent acknowledgment. Nothing could phase the other girls I was with, because they'd been there, done that. They didn't try to fix me. It turns out all we really wanted to hear was that we weren't completely alone in the world, despite feeling that way so often.

You are not alone in feeling the way you feel. You do not need other people to try and fix you either. You just need to find those you will listen without judgement, and then you will get there yourself, in time. Meanwhile, you should feel free to rant, whine, complain, bewail, b***h, moan and lament as and when you need. Find your way to let it out (I like to write when I am frustrated - and that happens a LOT!).

And remember this famous Churchill quote : "When you're going through Hell, keep walking".

whats WN and RW?