I'm trying to understand people who kill themselves, and...

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I'm not sure I get it... as in, I understand there is, hypothetically, clinical and, likely, reactive depression, with the former, presumably, being more likely to lead to people not feeling positive experiences... and, I'm thinking that, for some notably successful people, possibly, the more success they have the more they can see how futile it all is? Still confuses me... I was e.g. reading about Chris Cornell... so successful on all fronts, career/family, and while (I'm guessing it was clinical depression) drugs were still used, presumably in an attempt to alleviate it (although what he used don't seem to be the most ideal)... his apparent worst life experience, from the few paragraphs I read, is a bad trip... I, just... wish a bad trip was the worst I had, honestly (they're more like bad dreams, not "deep scars" (my definition of that)... I do seem to have the reactive depression type, but at this point it's almost indistinguishable) - (as the definition claims it's temporary, but due to a constant stream and my life being, practically, one long gutter, I'm reactively depressed constantly)... and, I keep wondering, if these people killed themselves after so much success (and I certainly don't mean just a career, here... I've been rotting alone for 12 years, now, with what seems like yearly threats of annihilation by organizations recently, too)... if they ended it with their kind of lives how much more would I need to do it for, to sort of be in parallel and proportional to theirs? Maybe hundreds of times, if it was possible, I suppose...

I mean, Grayson Murray killed himself after winning two golf tournaments, and a while ago, just when my own life was... 22% through the random violence that broke my life, even after nearly living as many years outside of that hell... John O'Brien sold the rights to a book for a movie adaptation, and then killed himself... I suppose, I might not be clinically depressed, but I just can't understand how all of those events can lead there, while I'm still here, with an utterly broken life, afraid a hanging might be botched (after all, everything else fails)... and I'll end up with just brain damage (admittedly, that would be bad, as other people were what broke my life, and having to rely on other people, exclusively... some potential locked-in hell, there) - while Cornell went ahead with a mere exercise band (despite, presumably, having access to firearms, which are more likely to be successful)... only Chester Bennington, out of those, had a relatively bad childhood, with one particular incident, and bullying (ironically, I never had the latter... from peers, likely due to my height... of course, that wouldn't matter to him... and, not that I'd want to compare, but violence by other children is possibly not as damaging as violence by adults)... and Kurt Cobain's worst childhood incident seemed to have been his family's divorce... which, and I don't know if there's anyone who ever did this, but I *begged* for that to happen to mine, ending up concluding that maximum dysfunctionality, presumably, precludes divorce (I mean, the one short, 7-month relationship I had was, in comparison, the best relationship I had (not that I had any others, besides the most horrid ones society forced me into)... not perfect, communication issues, but absolutely nothing like those hellish couple had (as it happens... seems like Kurt's mother seemed to be like her... I don't get these people... at least, though, Kurt wasn't goddamn *forced* into her choice! Could stay elsewhere, it seems, although in the end she didn't want him, apparently)... and yet my relationship ended, while they remained married for... 44 years... like, seriously, what)... while, in his suicide note, it was, it seems, due to being unable to feel as much as he did, previously... which happened to me more than half a lifetime ago, now, despite the continual flailing, rotting, wasting away... I, just, wish I was rational about this, and committed to something... it's ironic, as rationality was always something I strived for, and yet every single day I live now goes against that...

I think every situation is different. There have been times when I seriously considered it because I couldn’t stand dealing with the pain anymore. For me, it was less about depression and more about severe anxiety coupled with awful life situations/circumstances.

When it comes to celebrities, it’s not always possible to fully know what they are struggling with or what they’ve experienced in their lives.

Certainly... when I first did, at 15, I was still 3 years away from the end of that nightmare (well... never really ends)... so, while I was fundamentally depressed and couldn't enjoy anything like I did before (I always wonder how in the world I did it, how, in the midst of violence, I enjoyed the most serene of art)... I was, certainly, anxious that he might kill me the next time (while police laugh, because hey)... and, I might be a bit anxious now too, about the uncertain future, but I'm kind of (secretly, possibly) desiring society to finally push me over the edge, so I wouldn't even need to be rational, at the end...

Whatever external appearance there is, it won't matter.
Depression does not have a look, so is someone with suicidal tendencies nor they themselves do not necessarily have depression.


Common causes is a reaction to poor circumstances, poor mental health and poor outcomes.
It can be a self perpetuating loop to many.

Then there are simply people with suicidal tendencies; most of which are impulsive and kill themselves on a whim for whatever reason, than the known long and drawn out depressed, tired, and long time miserable and with traumatic stories types.

Yet...



One can be the richest person in the world, surrounded with family and friends, acclaimed by all even.
A lot would kill to be in this person's place.

And yet is still miserable in the inside still and want nothing to do but escape this existence.



Heck, one can even not be depressed, with an objectively good life and an easier existence.

And yet has a crappy internal threshold, internal regulation and impulsivity; it can only take a one entertained intrusive thought of killing themselves...



Or heck, the brain just misbehaves.
For no reason. Doesn't matter what the person feels inside or happens around or towards them.

Their thoughts might as well have countless loops, intrusive and obsessive thoughts of killing themselves.
But has the self control not to and knew better that they don't actually want to die, nor there's nothing for them to escape this existence from.

Their self and conscious can be very reasonable and their feelings stable or just not depressed or too anxious or overall miserable, but their head and thoughts are not.

It can be annoying or distressing itself.
Or, they could slip up some day and forget reason for a moment.

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I tried to when I was 15, and it's a little weird because it was the year of school, I felt most accepted by some peers. So I think part of my thinking is I figured if I ended it there then I would not have to suffer anymore and would at least have some good memories to leave with.

But my attempt did not work, then that year my family ended up moving back and so I went back to the previous school. Then not too long after there was a lockdown because of someone in the school with a gun, a girl I may have been able to rekindle friendship with(she was at some town festival in the summer and saw me, and seemed happy I was back and so I thought maybe we could connect more and become closer friends) but she was the one who was killed.

So for sure If my suicide attempt had worked I never would have had to experience that, but also I never would have experienced my long term boyfriend either if my suicide attempt at 15 had worked. So you know, I suppose I prefer living with some pain and some good experiences rather than just being dead....sure being dead would mean no more negative experiences, but it would also mean no more good experiences. I guess to be honest, I cannot understand exactly why I wanted to kill myself since I don't feel that way now so its sort of hard to understand even though I did attempt. Idk its like you feel so worthless you think you, everyone around you and the world would be better off without you...but it's not rational.

Yeah, Edna, personally, money has stopped even giving me any sort of joy, and unless one has barely for groceries... beyond that, though, no point, for me at least... what am I supposed to do, go on trips all on my own? Might as well rot by myself without stepping out... (and, that's the point, money can't ever buy me what I need, which is so random, at birth, and other sorts of relationships are just random...)

Sweetleaf, quite a thing to drop, about this girl being killed, must be so anxiety-inducing to go to school there, and although this aspect is horrible, I wouldn't mind being able to easily buy a gun to end myself... (was wondering if I could go as a tourist, apparently they can't buy guns, but can rent them... which would still fulfil my purpose...)

I think sometimes it's hard to understand someone's path unless you're in their shoes.

I think that some apparently highly successful people get there because they're trying to fill a hole in themselves. Same as addicts.

When they get all the success and adulation they thought would fix them, and then realise it doesn't work, that's unbearable.

I've been trying to understand that my whole life.

A Thought bubble is offered: You grow up young and something in you seems to have hope. ...it makes no sense , it just is ..call it homeostasis , whatever , something is geared toward survival . A dandelion with a paver stone dropped on it
,crushed flat, yet the next year it will try to grow out sideways from under that same stone. What causes that..a urge for photosythesis ? They dont even have a brain. So if you can survive those times, Things change ! It is a law of
the universe.. If nothing else .. time passes ..still its a "change"....but having seeing alot of bad stuff. And seems with Grey hair people leave you alone more .And you might know what to look for when the bad stuff appears? And not wanting to reinforce that chain of events .become important to put it behind you ,so you can still grow ( just like the Dandelion). .. And its not like you dont care anymore ..? but you might eventually get to be Stoic .
And you start observing the changes .. And maybe a day comes that you connect with someone, and because your Stoic
you make small talk , not even caring if anybody says anything back. But while your here still .... What does it hurt to tell a stranger , you hope there day gets better ... or whatever ,Sometimes weird things happen ...they might smile , but if you keep it up . regardless of any return pay out . Sometimes it get contageous , And they may pass the kindness along . and so on and so on .....That is kinda mini version of laws of attraction , Nice things little ones , that do not cost you but a smile or a kind word. Starts a chain reaction . Who knows maybe you might attract a kindness,after awhile.
(((((((After all its just a thought Bubble))))))))

Used to clearly understand suicidal concepts ...Never Quite understood Why I chose this other path .
Maybe the idea .. that this life / is all about the trip to get there ..Not the ending destination ?

A serotonin imbalance made me suicidally obsessed thanks to amitriptyline.
I can easily imagine one being able to self terminate despite fortunate circumstances.
Funnily enough I already had end of life plans and backups in place due to a slow motion degenerative disease, yet sought help when I had to.

I think existential suicidal thoughts, like what some gay/lesbian people sometimes have, are probably the hardest to deal with. Imagine waking up every day, with a Soul that doesn't correspond to your body, and everyone considering you as something you do not consider yourself to be. You must wonder, why was God so cruel to put you in this body, maybe, you're mad at the whole world.

I am not even gay/lesbian or lgbtq, just dealing with a beautiful Soul in an ugly body - even that makes me suicidal sometimes.

I understand the wish and I have certainly wished I could die or that I had not lived in the first place, but the actual doing it seems impossibly difficult to me. I don't think I ever could, which actually scares me because I have had times when my life was unbearable and I don't have a way out. But there's something about suicide that makes me recoil in horror. I don't completely understand how I feel, because I really wish I didn't have to live, but I can't see myself even coming close to ending my life. So I also don't understand these celebrities who ended their lives, but I suppose it's for a different reason. I can understand not wanting to live, but I can't understand being able to carry it out.

I really don't get how or why other people care that people they don't even know are choosing death because life has become unlivable. Nobody seems to care about the millions people who starving and homeless, or being being killed in war or the climate crisis.

Yes thats an interesting phenomena.......
In a ideal society maybe , people had some concept of survival of the species.....?...