Ive been writing so many poems. I thought I was a genius or something. Now I'm a bit sad. I wrote like 80 of them. Then I started reading them to people. I'm learning by their reactions, they've stopped making sense to other people. It started out fully lucid. Now it's not really. I feel embarrassed. I really thought I was onto something. I started thinking I could be famous. It's like the time I spent a lot of money on various hobbies. I thought I was going to get into painting, crochet, colouring, needlepoint, and quilting all at once. I'm kind of ashamed that I spent 60 bucks on colouring books.
I'm worried I'm heading into some kind of episode. I'm a bit scared. I've started having thoughts of my writing being prophecies. Im not really supposed to drink coffee but I drink too much. Now I'm just feeling way too up for me. It's been happening over the last few weeks. It's probably not a big deal, but it's causing a bit of anxiety, paranoia, and energy. I'm having tiny sensations and thinking I'm really great. Then I have plunges into realizing what's going on and then it's back to ignoring it. I'm on medication.
It's scary because it causes me to feel light headed, and I can't feel my hands and I get an out of body sensation. Lots of nightmares too. The worst is when I start thinking I'm not me fully. I don't know what they are but I have these "people" I think are influencing me and it's scary because I start to feel like they are taking over. Yet I'm not allowed to say anything about them or I get lightheaded and shaky. When they talk to me I can't talk properly or move for a few hours to a day. They're never fully gone because they've convinced me I don't need help. That's in silence. They are silent and when they talk out loud they are showing themselves to me. Sometimes it's just angry gibberish.
I just do not know if I can mask it. I don't know what to do when I feel out of it like I have been. I just want to be grounded. I have things I want to do and I have to be lucid around people. I can't keep cancelling plans because I can't get off the sofa. It's really anxiety inducing. I started thinking someone in a store was stalking me and I've been talking to myself again involuntarily. I'm really embarrassed about it because I just want to be able to keep my composure. I don't want to feel like I'm flying when I'm just standing. I keep forgetting things and just getting upset with myself for it. I need to feel calm for once. It feels like I don't get to feel that even when I can show it.
I want friends but it is difficult when I feel this way. I get embarassed to be social and I feel physically sick sometimes like dizzy, headaches, etc.
Today, 1:49 pm
