I think I'm constantly dissociated a bit, and almost daily I have moments when I dissociate even more. Is it a bad thing? I looked it up once a few weeks ago. The advice was that dissociating was generally considered something to avoid, but I think it's the only way for me to survive. I have no other option. If I didn't dissociate, I would never leave my room except maybe late at night when the rest of the world is asleep. But with dissociation, I can pretend that people aren't monsters, that if I try I can accomplish things without sabotage, or that things make sense and the world is predictable. Sometimes I mess up and start to actualize, but then I catch myself and cut that out. If anyone has any other suggestions, I would truly like to hear them.
Fun fact: A few months ago, I realized I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. I tried drawing my eyes twice in part to force myself to recognize myself. I think the drawings came out pretty good, but that's when I realized that no matter how much I look in the mirror or at pictures, I can't see myself as a whole. I see eyes, a mouth, ears, etc. But I don't see me. It's like I'm seeing through me or I'm partially unconscious for the time I'm looking in the mirror. It's pretty weird to describe since we don't have words for this experience. Additionally, it also feels like my life was a movie of someone else's life that I saw. I stopped existing. I honestly don't even feel like my name. I'm not my name anymore. I don't like telling people what it is when they ask. I'm actually some floating observer that just gets by the day pretending that's good.
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"Am I wrong?" - Walter Sobchak
13 Mar 2025, 9:05 pm
