Strange feelings

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I'm starting to get scared to drink coffee and now I start getting feelings I accidentally got drugs in it when I drink it away from home..then my body feels like I'm on them. I gag when I take my medication because I get anxiety and think Im accidentally taking the wrong ones and then I go on medication identifier websites. Ive been having thoughts I'm like this different kind of person and that I just have to ditch medication because it might not be good for me. Then I am seeing flashes of colour. Everytime I talk about certain things I get so lightheaded and feel faint and I can't move properly.


Then I talk too much in that I go on monologues for hours with no one else there and I just can't stop. People think it's creepy. Then I get convinced I'm possessed and start thinking every negative feeling can be attributed to this guy I let into me because I got a phone number in a vision and called it and it was him. I've been having that thought for years now. My family gets concerned so I just keep it inside. I know how my DR would react and I don't want that reaction. I dont fully want to try anything new. I get sleepy with too much or throw up. One of my Drs got annoyed with me because I argued with them about my diagnosis.

Then I'm worried my neighbours think I'm being weird or that someones watching me in the shower. Also I once considered breaking a ceiling lamp and a mirror to look for cameras. I download apps to find them. I thought I took photos of aliens before. Sometimes I even think I'm someone else in my body. Yet I am me but it's like I'm acting as myself but being someone else. A man. He gets angry that nobody can see him. He tries to influence how I dress. Ive never told a DR about him because I dont think that would do any good..I think I need him.

Sometimes I do wonder if I even have any thing. I don't think much things cause problems except for the anxiety and depression. Yet I think I may need medication because everybody says I do. But there's always the what if. Nobody wants to hear my POV though.

Maybe there's a reason why some part of you feels reluctant to take this medication you're on

Have you tried to explain this to your doctor