Orientation and Romantic Relationships

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I've been thinking about this a lot lately. And I haven't really come to any useful conclusions. Maybe typing it out instead of going around in circles in my head will be helpful. So, I'm genderqueer and demisexual, no primary sexual attraction to anyone ever, secondary sexual attraction after a deep emotional/romantic attachment has been established (disclaimer: speaking for myself, there might be slight variations that also fall under the category of demisexual). I've been in love with men and women. I've only ever been in romantic relationships with men. I'm better at forming emotional connections with women. Almost all of my friends are women, and I've recently realized that I've never had any sort of deep emotional connection with any guy my age. Not just romantic relationships, any meaningful emotional connection at all. Like my brother who I have a good relationship with is 10 years younger than me, my youth pastor who I was really close with is 10 years older than me, I'm friends with some of my parents' friends and they're all at least 15 years older than me, my math team coach is 30-something years older than me, and my most successful romantic relationship had a 9.25 year age gap. I tend to get along better with women closer to my own age. I don't have any real-life experience with other transgender people, although I'm going to try to work up the courage to start going to the LGBT group at my college next semester.

It's hard for me to hypothetically think of sexual situations. Like right now, not in a relationship and not attracted to anyone, even just thinking about holding hands with a hypothetical romantic partner sounds like too much touching for me, but I certainly don't feel this way when I am romantically attracted to someone.

So I try to think of the practical differences in different kinds of relationships. (I tried to explain the disadvantages of a hetero relationship, but every way I could think of to word it made me sound like feminazi, even though that's not how I meant it, so I'm just going to leave it out.) I don't know if I could handle the emotional intensity of a romantic relationship with a woman. I don't know if I can handle the emotional intensity of a romantic relationship at all. Like I think the ideal situation would be something like best friends who are long-term housemates and exclusive friends-with-benefits. But then again, that sounds silly to me. I don't know. And like I said, I have no real-life experience with other transgender people, but I'd definitely be interested in exploring that possibility some more if the opportunity came up.

Sometimes I wonder if I even want a romantic relationship at all. Like there are practical advantages to sharing household expenses, and I think a sexual relationship could be fun, but I don't know if I can/want to deal with all the responsibilities of a romantic relationship.

I guess what I'm wondering is if I should try to look for a romantic relationship (and if so with what kind of person?) or just forget about it and stay single and focus on platonic friendships. So, yeah, I'm kinda confused. Thoughts? Opinions? Advice? I wish there was some sort of test that would tell me what kind of relationship to pursue.

I actually took a test like that the other day but it wasn't very scientific/good. The idea it's based on (noted on 1st page) is logical though.

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-bisexu ... ctrum-test

Anyway wow I have been thinking about the same thing a lot recently too. Too muddled to explain really... I don't know, for me at this point it just seems like trying to put a price on something sacred to say I'd go out with this gender a person and have these feelings for them cause I think the part of me that thinks I could find ultimate good in another person is out of order like a drinking fountain in winter or maybe forever but anyway. I am making zero sense as usual. I do know what you're saying though.

Okay a better way to put it: the thought of saying there's an "emotional" or "sexual" vacancy to be filled by such-and-such a candidate or candidates at this stage in my experiences makes me want to throw up because it seems as wrong (personally, not for everyone) as having a child die and then saying all right let's have another to replace her, and let's try to make her a girl too, etc. Thus I don't think I'm able to think in terms of categorical preferences anymore but if I did the romantic/sexual attraction distinction used in the above test would be useful.

That does make sense. Thanks
(It made sense to me before you edited it as well)

I can relate to the lack of emotional connections with guys. It's been mostly females that I've really connected with. I'm not sure why this is for you, but I know I've never been terribly interested in the opposite sex.... (not that I've been involved with people of the female variety all that often either, heh). It sounds as though you have reservations about sex and sexual identity... spending some time at your college's LGBT group sounds like a great place to start. Try to keep an open mind and realize that everyone is different when it comes to preference, and accept that you can't change how you feel (or don't feel) about relationships.

My question for you is: is it apathy or anxiety that you feel towards this area of your life? Because if relationships or the idea of being in one makes you nervous, the only way to get past it is by involving yourself with people belonging to both genders (exposure-therapy style). If you are honestly just disinterested in the whole dating scene... and it would take someone amazing falling into your lap for you to pursue a long-term relationship, then why worry about it? There is more to life than dating (and besides, if you're happy, and you're living life the way you want to, someone good for you is likely to come along eventually anyway).
Personally, I find the amount of societal pressure placed on us young adults to be in a long-term relationship to be excessive. Why is it necessary that we be in a relationship at all? It sounds as if you think it's wrong for you to feel the way you do about all of this... as if you feel that it's not healthy or "right" that you don't make meaningful connections with guys your age. My advice? Don't stress it. The more you fret about whether or not the way you view things is healthy or "normal" the more daunting it seems. If you'd rather focus on platonic friendships at the moment, maybe that's what's best for you.

Though, if you're curious, or you'd just like to sample certain elements (benefits) of being in a relationship, you CAN pick and choose. Why not have a bed-buddy that you're not emotionally invested in and don't have to be particularly snuggly with as well as someone you can talk about personal matters who's physically off-limits? Form different relationships, with varying levels of intimacy; just never do anything that you don't want to do or anything that makes you feel uncomfortable (even if you think it'll help you to better understand your perspectives/preferences).

Hope it helps?

Heh, my parents are also pretty religious... and they're always after me about giving them grand-kids (not going to happen!)
I ended up spending seven of my childhood summers at bible camp :S
The interesting thing is, when I was in high school I told them that I was in love with and dating one of female friends (I wasn't actually, I just wanted to gauge their reaction... maybe spark an intense debate) and they were okay with it. My siblings weren't surprised or even fazed, and I realized that the world around me didn't care at all. Maybe I'm just lucky, being born into such an accepting environment... sometimes I forget that there's a whole world filled with people who have prejudices that don't make any sense to me. Are YOU okay with the occasional secondary attraction to people of the same gender as you?

Also,
I never said you had to enjoy the sex, heh.
Ahem, how to put this without being too frank...? I'm also demisexual. I was afraid that I was falling behind or sexually immature or, I don't know, just weird. Everyone around me was perpetually preoccupied with sex, sex, sex. So I started dating people who asked me out whether or not I was attracted to them... just to learn how to be in a relationship. I even went so far as to ask friends to set me up with people they knew. When I met someone I trusted and got along with really well, I just learned how to do everything with him/her. This was all very awkward and stressful (not to mention physically unpleasant :S) at first... and eventually I would get sick of pretending to be interested and break it off (which is cold and selfish, but I didn't know that I was different... just that I wasn't going to "come around" and fall for any of these people). This ended when I finally met someone who I fell completely in love with... and because I'd been "dating" for years prior to meeting this person, the relationship wasn't scary and new. Since then, I've decided that I'm content to ignore the entire dating scene unless someone particularly amazing comes along. But I'll still start up a meaningless relationship in six months or so, one that lasts a few weeks, then I'll end it. Like exercising a muscle, no? This isn't the way most people do things, but then, we're not like most people.
What I'm trying to say is that dating is a lot of work, even for neurotypicals with more common sexualities. For us it might as well be a job. But the things that seem the hardest are the things that need to most work... so don't give up. I'm not saying that you should go out and have a series of one-night-stands with strangers or anything... not that you'd be interested anyway. But we only have two choices: participate in society (which takes work in many different areas, including dating), or avoid it.

I've chosen to participate, despite how frustrating it gets... and you know as well as I do how bad it can be. But that's what an online community of weirdo's is for! You're not alone

You're overthinking. You're 19, if you're around people enough then stuff will happen. You'll like some of it. You don't have to consciously choose anything.