Not feeling comfortable with sex

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Hey,
I have not posted much here, but usually just read. I feel i am odd in that i dont really like sex...and i dont know if it is anxiety or something in my head causing me to not feel comfortable with it or if it is just how i am..but i am in a relationship now and i am worried I will not be able to please my partner in the long term...its just odd :-/
Anyone else feel like this?

Have you felt this way for a long time? Or is it something that just started recently?

Performance anxiety is pretty common. You just gotta not think about it and just go with the flow. Alcohol makes this a little easier.

Well, i have felt sort of awkward or uncomfortable with it throughout most of the short lives relationships i have had. i had one relationship where it was kind of forced upon me quite often and i didn't like it. Now I try and avoid it because i am worried i wont be able to make a partner happy and i dont want to loose someone over it. my current partner suggested seeing a therapist to help with anxiety and possibly help me feel more comfortable, but its just a really awkward thing to try and talk to a therapist about...plus i am generally shy about it all in general

Do you just not like it - or is it the anxiety making you not like it? I mean for instance, if your anxiety about it went away... would you enjoy it more?

I have had issues with some partners... but the ones I can talk to whole heartedly about likes, dislikes and such things get much more relaxed.

For instance eye contact is impossible during "romantic moments" and I have explained that and make up for it in other ways. When I do something for my partner I pay close attention to things like.. did they hold their breath? Did they exhale sharply when I did something... paying close attention to those things ebbed my anxiety away. Also it gave me a clue to the things they liked ++

So being extra attentive to physical things about their reactions didn't leave room to have anxiety. Hope that makes sense.

I dont know. When i get romantic with someone i always start to worry i wont be able to make them happy and i just get nervous. i have not really been able to just erase that nervousness yet..but i have instead just tried to accept im different and just not get into any deep relationships. I ended up finding myself in such a relationship now but am getting nervous again.

Try what I was talking about. If you focus only on what you are doing in that moment and watching their responses in that moment... you are not worrying, you are responding to them. Even if you are not making them happy... why worry about it? Do you not need time to learn that person?.. everyone's likes and dislikes are different. You can only learn by putting your intent and focus and have clear communication. Give yourself a break huh? No one is great right out of the box!

Talk in concrete ways. Aspies and auties understand best when there is no wiggle room.

For instance... don't let your partner say "I don't like that" that leaves room for you to question in your head.. "what wasn't liked... my touch.. my mouth.. my breath?..."

Instead ask them to be concrete... "I didn't like it when you kissed my ear lobe"... That leaves no room for error. You know exactly what was being referred to.

Or even in requests.. be concrete in what is wanted "Kiss my neck by my jaw" and not simply "kiss my neck" Necks are sensitive in different places.. how are you to guess what part when you are mind blind? You may like your neck kissed at the collar bone... They may not. So if they simply said "kiss my neck" you would probably kiss their collar bone and miss what they really wanted.

Communication is key. With clear communication the first few times (even if it is bumpy and embarrassing) after awhile "automatic responses" (and a total ease with each other) will kick in and you both will just be in tune to each other

^Awesome post. I agree with all of it. Communication and consent are essential in any sexual relationship, but especially when autistic spectrum people are involved.

Also, if you aren't comfortable, there's no reason you should feel obligated to continue. If you want things to stop you make it clear that you want to stop.

Thank you! I will try and bet better about communication and being clearer with my thoughts as well. I sometimes struggle to convey what im thinking especially if it may make someone else upset or whatnot...

I really wish you all the best. You sound like a truly great person.

Thank you

Have you looked into asexuality, specifically romantic asexuality?

I have. In fact I have been reading an asexuality forum too and met a friend who is asexual. i kind of identify as asexual, but some of my friends dont think i am and think its something in my head preventing me from enjoying sex or desiring sex. Like social anxiety or just the uncomfortable feeling or nervousness i get when i can tell someone wants me to engage in that. Currently my partner believes i should go see a therapist to get things figured out, but honestly i'm pretty nervous about going to talk to someone about it too. It could be because i'm pretty shy among new people when i meet them in person. Somehow i can post personal stuff about myself on places like this and not feel too uncomfortable..but if i sit down with someone i dont know in person it gets awkward...

https://www.autism.org.uk/sensory

I feel like my sensory system is not normal because of this ..

it is only hot on porn tbh..

I'm asexual, and have never had an interest in sex, but I also have a history of trauma that makes the idea of even seeing someone of the opposite sex unclothed in any capacity (regardless of sexual intent) extremely anxiety provoking. Before discovering I was aromantic, I had a boyfriend who desperately wanted to have sex with me, and he asked if I'd be willing to see a couples' therapist with him to try and help me "get over" my aversion to intimacy so that I could give him what he wanted. We went for two years, and none of it helped. We tried exposure therapy in which he would touch non-invasive parts of my body while we were both fully clothed (my legs, my shoulders, my back, etc.) and it never really got any easier; it was horrible and I had panic attacks pretty much every time.

There is nothing wrong with disliking sex, and you don't owe it to anyone. Your own comfort needs to be your top priority in this instance; sex is not something you can "compromise" on, giving it when you don't really want to just to make the other person happy. It's up to you if you want to try therapy or not. If you do it, make sure it's because YOU want to explore your boundaries regarding sex, and not because you feel guilty that your partner wants it and you're not providing it. I lived with that guilt for years, and it only made my trauma worse.