My brother wont stop using homophobic language

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I came out as gay last year, having only just come to terms with it myself. When I told my mum and my brother they both reacted positively and were still happy to love me - no matter what. The problem is I now feel he is out of step with me. He did and continues to use homophobic language. I challenge him trying to debate it sensibly and trying to allude to the core discomfort and horror I hold against him. The consequences of course for most gay people is obvious. Hatred/ dislike or a hidden but omitted discomfort around gays. I tried to explain that its use is tantamount to the affects of other 'isms' and 'phobias'. The context is also dire. I attempted suicide twice. I tried to connect the stats that many gay teens and young adults contemplate suicide at the least. I would have thought that once I pointed that fact out he may have realised why I am uncomfortable about his use of it around me. He has Aspergers, much more severe than me. His explanation, as many will argue, is that it is only 'banter'. His other friends use phrases such as: 'you bender', 'thats gay', 'you gay?' and on and on. One of their friends is also gay and they explain he doesn't mind it. I would think that is because he tolerates it and hasn't had the same reality as mine in which the consequences of casual homophobia were laid so bare. I feel that there is no way of sitting down with him anymore. That he wont change. The more I develop the more i think I wont see him past the horizon. A shame given that we grew up together sharing the struggle with living with aspergers.

It is a difficult one, if your brother was using his homophobic hate speach in the workplace he could be disciplined and maybe even sacked. The problem for you is that unless he makes a comment which is likely to lead to a breach of the peace or includes a libel (or is some other tort) then very little can be done about it.

You could tell him what one person once remarked to me, this person said before you are homophobic imagine a world where the norm is to be homosexual a world where gay men reproduce and have male children and a world where lesbians give birth to female children (who are also gay). Imagine you are in this world as a "sex pervert heterosexual" who has clandestine meetings with other heterosexuals for heterosexual sex. A world where the police and roaming gangs of homosexuals are hunting heterosexuals to arrest them or beat / humiliate / murder them. A world where heterosexuals are the subjects of discrimination.

As a heterosexual man who is a university prof the way I look at it is this, if I had 100 workers who enjoy discussing grossout sex in the coffee room then as long as they are all happy doing so then I have to let them containue as long as they do not break the law. But as soon as one person joins the workforce who finds the talk about "gross out sex" offensive and complains then I have to take action to stop the talk of "gross out sex".

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Health is a state of physical, mental and social wellbeing and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity I am not a jigsaw, I am a free man !

Diagnosed under the DSM5 rules with autism spectrum disorder, under DSM4 psychologist said would have been AS (299.80) but I suspect that I am somewhere between 299.80 and 299.00 (Autism) under DSM4.

George Carlin taught me that "They're Only Words" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXWBvB4U-cA when he said "[y]ou can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth, like the fact that there's a bigot and a racist in every living room on every street corner in this country."

Now, on the other hand, if your brother intends to insult you, have at it. Call him some words that describe his AS brutally, then apologize and explain quickly why you did it. They call that a "teachable moment."

I m sure i ve seen a video which explains exactly the point that if it were hetrosexuals that were discriminated against, they wouldnt like it. It might be difficult to explain it to him. His response might be well so what? that isn't reality. it does push the point that your words have a consequence. He doesn't do consequences though very much. Precisely why uses homophobic language without thinking about what it means to me. He lacks empathy in some respects.

George Carlin, remember watching him growing up, kept me strong, (some of what he said). Unfortunately homophobic words arent always used in malice. but they encourage it in wrong thinking people. I ve long tried to ignore it given that he wasn't using it as an attack on me. But it still does.that is the problem and its why some schools and law enforcers are trying to discourage it.

with regards with what i can do, probably distance myself from him socially. like a mad uncle that everyone is disquiet and uncomfortable around. confronting a problem can sometimes make it worse.

But is he saying it in a nasty way way or is he saying it in a joking way. I'm gay and my mates still say words like "bender" and "homo" and I do as well because we're just joking around.

it is done as a joke but no one finds it very funny. he's only just recently stopped himself around me - he does it to impress his mate who has outlandish views believing that homosexuality is a mental illness. It isn't done in a way that takes the piss out of those who use it abusively. its done as a term of intimidation.