Roommate Sensitivity

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I'm an aspie and my roommate is essentially intersexed but it's not a truth he's ever going to allow himself to realize. So lately he's made an adjustment to his life that honestly was a long time coming but now I'm confused on how exactly to be sensitive to his emotions.

First off we're both gay men. He has a probably the most unsexy and off-putting personality I've ever seen in someone. He very much is proud of the way he is and the way he acts and expects that people should just allow him to be the type of person he wants to be. I agree with him on that point but at the same time I realize that very few people are going to be willing to tolerate his actions and subsequently want to be intimate with him. I've always known eventually he was going to break down and have to start dating men way below the standards of men he's set for himself. The first thing to go was he started dating larger men, then older men, then much larger older men. Now the men have started to get shady so I see him consistently now dating and hooking up with with men that in the old days he wouldn't give a second look to. He's said nothing but I imagine his pride has been hurt badly by this.

I have had the good luck that I date and hook up with fairly attractive to very attractive men and he's meet them sometimes. However, now I feel like I'm being insensitive or that I'm "rubbing it in his face" if I bring any of them over in any situation. I don't want him to feel worse about himself and his decisions but at the same time.... I live there too. I typically give very inappropriate comments (although they seem fine to me) about situations. This time however I would like to approach this with the appropriate sensitivity. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Here is what I would do.

- Have sex with who I want regardless of how the room mate thinks.
- Have a civil discussion with your room mate saying you're concerned about what he is doing.
- Don't get wrapped up in his life but certainly be helpful and create space.
- You guys are room mates after all, both of you have lives.

Agree with what thatrobrageous said. Also, I am not sure how you are defining intersex, but it doesn't sound like you are using it correctly. A person who is intersex has reproductive organs that do not fit the typical definition of male or female.

How would you know your roommate is intersex but your roommate not know that?

Well I used to say he was a closeted transgender but I was corrected by a friend that knew of the new-age terminologies better than I do and she said I should be using intersex. He's got the body of a man (although oddly he has almost B-cup looking breasts naturally, not moobs either but female looking breasts), identifies himself as a male but his aspirations for himself are those traditionally of a woman (specifically a traditional Japanese schoolgirl and someday housewife). He is extremely feminine, is overly sensitive and is more emotionally expressive than thought oriented (as in he'd rather express himself rashly than think about possibly more appropriate communication). He loves having a penis though. His sexual aspiration is to be a submissive human/wolf genetic hybrid (he's not a furry but he loves humanoid animal porn). Finally, I think he's done damage to his testicles or hormone production in some way. He used to take testosterone because he thought it would make him muscular but if I had to put money down on something I think he either was born with non-functioning testicles or he permanently damaged them in some way. So if there's a word for all that, that's what I meant.

Your friend was incorrect, intersex is not correct way to refer to your friend. It is possible your roomate is intersex, but unless your roomate tells you he is, you cannot really know, you are not a doctor, and it is none of your business. See my definition of intersex above. If your roomate wishes to be identified as male, then that is how you should refer to him until he tells you otherwise. It is not really appropriate to speculate.

But he only identifies as a male physically. Emotionally he aspires to be a woman.... So that's where I get confused.

"Emotionally"?

Do you mean that he is fine with being male, and being identified as such, but wishes to take the traditional female role in a relationship?

Not quite. Like right now this is in the middle of his "period" as he calls it. About once a month he gets all super emotional and acts very erratic and if anyone notices he says he's having his monthly cycle. But he waffles back and forth about it all the time so it's not only confusing, it's irritating. For instance last night he says after coming out of the bathroom, "No feeling like the freshness of being a lady after a bath." To which I replied, "Well don't stay in too long or you'll hard boil them ovaries," and he got all pissed off at me saying "Why the f* do you always think I'm a chick?!"

Maybe his humour gland is damaged, then.

If it's time to have this sort of conversation with your friend/roomie, I'd suggest that if he wants to connect with better quality dates that he take a good long hard look at himself, identify his flaws/areas for improvement, and then work on them. Improve his own health/fitness/physique/attitude/outlook etc and it'll be all but impossible not to attract better mates.

I say this from experience. The healthier & more attractive I make myself, the better quality of guys that show interest in me. I've yet to meet Mr. Perfect yet.. but I'm closer for having focused on improving myself. I can be a lot pickier as to who I might meet up with, too, because I know full well that I can attract someone else just as good or better and don't feel any sort of need to hookup with someone just because it may be the only opportunity I have for a while.

Not sure exactly how to break the ice on a conversation like that.. but when the opportunity presents itself, you can point out that you're doing well with dates/hookups because you keep yourself in a state that attracts them - happier, healthier, fitter etc & suggest that if he wants some of the same in his life that he stop associating with "lower ranks" & take a hiatus from hooking up in order to hit the gym, change his diet, read some books, get some sleep & then when he's ready, put himself back on the market with a much higher "price tag" once he's built up his own self worth, and in turn, attractiveness to others.



But then again, I'm not him. I'd rather abstain from sex and spend time and effort improving myself in every way vs. hookup with lesser and lesser desirable guys. F that. But if he'd rather do as he's always done and get as he's always got... well, that's on him. But you can at least have this sort of conversation with him and see how he reacts to it. I know I would have this conversation with one of my gay friends if I saw them going into that sort of downward spiral that could end in disaster - ie abusive relationships, the pnp drug scene etc. Whatever your roomie chooses is his own choice, but I'd at least lay these sorts of facts & options out there in the open for him to consider if I were in your shoes.