Transgender?

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I'm a gay male but recently I've been wondering if I'm also transgender. I find it easier to get on with other girls and have sometimes wished I was one because life might be easier. I could be attracted to men and not be judged for it. I've been told some of my interests are feminine, such as some of the to shows I watch. When I was younger I was terrified of going through puberty because I thought boys who's voice changed sounded stupid. But I don't know whether this was more about fear and embarrassment of change or related to gender. Sometimes I see myself as female TV characters, who I relate to more than male ones. Once when I was around 3-4 years old I dressed up as "Super-girl".

On the other hand, I don't necessarily feel that I'm in the wrong body, my genitals are wrong or I've been using the wrong bathroom. The idea of going through gender reassignment terrifies me and sounds like too much hassle. I don't know if I feel male or female inside, I think I just feel like me and sometimes that's a little feminine or masculine depending on the situation.

I think that you're just an androtropic male with a possible interest in cross-dressing.

Bear in mind that I am neither a mental-health professional nor "gay".

Thank you for your reply, Fnord. Pardon my ignorance but what does "androtropic" mean?

I wonder if part of the appeal of being female is the fantasy that I might fit in better socially. But the reality is I'd still have Aspergers and have to deal with a lot of prejudice. Plus I'd probably make a very ugly woman lol.

You're language is inconsistent.

I'm not sure if you've noticed but saying you sometimes wish you were female implies that you aren't already female while saying "other girls" suggests that you're also a girl.

Well I didn't even realise I'd written that. Although I probably would have written, "I find it hard to get along with other boys" too... What does it mean?

I would say that nobody can tell you for sure whether you are or aren't trans: it's something you'll have to draw your own conclusions over. That said, from what you've said it sounds as though you are more uncomfortable with society's gender stereotypes than your own intrinsic gender. It's fine to be male and have stereotypically feminine interests, and I don't think it's that unusual for guys (especially those with AS, perhaps) to 'fit in' better with girls as kids, since they are often more nurturing and tolerant of differences including social/communication difficulties. This is a generalisation, of course, and should be taken as such rather than as a hard-and-fast rule.

It might mean nothing. It could mean something but it doesn't have to. If you'd just as easily say "other boys" it probably means nothing. I was just suggesting you take a look at the implications of your choice of words to see if it provides a clue to how you see yourself.

Are you afraid of not being trans? If you found out you were really just a cisgender male would you be devastated? If you found out you weren't transgender would that be painful for you to realize?

No, quite the opposite. If I found out I was trans I'd be devastated. I depend on my parents both emotionally and otherwise for support due to my AS and other mental health issues. However, when I came out as gay to them it was difficult for them due to their Christian beliefs. I found the whole ordeal extremely unpleasant and traumatic but they have come around to it a little. However, there is no way they accept that I'm transgender, it would be a step too far for them. Having to deal with rejection from family plus society at large, as well as having to deal with AS and my other mental health issues on top, would be too much for me to handle.

I'm having major anxiety at the moment but I don't know if it's dysphoria or from the realisation that I could be transgender. As I said though, I've never looked at myself in the mirror and thought "I wish I had breasts and a vagina". I've tried cross dressing recently to see how it felt and tbh it was kinda fun but when I stuffed my chest to make it look like I had breasts I laughed because of how ridiculous I looked/felt. I have felt somewhat envious of girls because of how straight men treat them and wished they'd treat me that way, but I don't know if that necessarily equates to "being" a girl inside, could just be because I'm gay. I read elsewhere about being "genderfluid", I wonder if that describes me but I don't know, it's all so confusing.

I mean no disrespect to transgender people, I think they are incredibly brave for transitioning, but for me it spells misery. Either I'll be miserable from being forced to live in the wrong body or miserable from the rejection and other difficulties I'll inevitably face if I transitioned.

It doesn't sound like you're transgender. Though perhaps you have Venus envy?

Did you ever have fantasies when you were younger about being a girl? Do you ever look at your body and despair at it's maleness?

Well I remember wearing my mother's shoes and her dressing gown once. Sometimes I also "acquire" traits from female TV characters and imagine I'm like them, but I don't think I AM them. I like the "strong" female personality. But I don't think I've felt like I am female but I'm not sure.

I don't recall despairing at my maleness and I generally don't mind male pronouns, etc. BUT when I was a teen I was terrified of my voice changing and embarrassed at my hairy legs. However, I just got used to it and accepted it.

The reason I ask is because the way I answered these questions provided me with extra insight that helped me. I was hoping this solution for me could also be your solution.

I knew I wanted to transition more than anything and my desire to do so was extremely intense.

I kept fretting and tearing myself apart about whether or not I was trans. There are gatekeepers to check your legitimacy as a trans person. I heard stories of regret that were used to justify the existence of these gatekeepers.

So I got it in my head that if I wasn't legitimately trans I couldn't transition. That's why the possibility that I wasn't trans was terrifying and I would've been totally devastated I wasn't trans. I needed to take female hormones and eventually get SRS.

Then someone said to me that "if you're absolutely terrified of not being trans then you're probably trans". Most cisgender people would be terrified of being trans because of how hard the life of a trans person can be. For me it was the opposite. I was terrified of not being trans.

Unfortunately the words of wisdom given to me won't help you. They don't say for certain that you're not trans. The concerns you have for the consequences of being trans are real. Trans people get a very sh***y deal most of the time. I planned to wait until I was living in residence in Toronto while going to UoT so that I could see a gender therapist privately and get on hormones without my parents knowing. I succumbed to the same fear as you but I tried to get around it.



I wasn't brave. I was just lucky. Bravery is something that most trans people need to have. I made the most cowardly plan (that I've already described above) and my parents found out before it could be used. I got lucky because they started helping me instead of disowning me. Things ended up moving faster than they would've under my cowardly plan. I was a coward. I wasn't brave. I was just lucky. My luck made up for my lack of courage.

Your parents could end up reacting positively but I suggest that you don't pursue a transition openly unless you can deal with the worst case scenario. You might not get lucky. You're parents could disown you and/or kick you out. They could also support you but you don't know.

You could find a gender therapist in secret like I had planned to out of fear. That's probably the best option for you but there is the possibility of your parents finding out that you're seeing a gender therapist. If you're parents don't find out you can get some degree of help without too many negative consequences and if they do find out you may or may not face consequences related to their reactions.

My suggestion for you is to find a gender therapist that you can afford by yourself or one that will work with you for free. I was planning to start with 6 free sessions at the 519 so if you're lucky you can find something similar. If you can see a gender therapist to help you work things out without your parents being involved you'll probably figure out how to proceed further. Either you'll decide that you shouldn't transition and you're journey will be over or you'll determine that you should transition and you'll begin navigating the risks, consequences, and rewards of pursuing your transition.

Find a gender therapist and talk to other people you trust. You need all the insight you can get.

Sorry for the delay.

Androtropic: Attracted to males.
Gynotropic: Attracted to females.
Ambitropic: Attracted to both males and females.
Atropic: Attracted to neither males nor females.

I made these terms up after realizing that referring to myself as "Straight" implies that everyone else is crooked (dishonest) or bent (corrupt), and that not all "gay" people are happy.

I can stop thinking about this, it's becoming an obsession. Makes me think I probably AM transgender, it's my minds way of forcing me to confront the truth. But I really don't want to be, I'm not yet at the point where I'm ready to speak to a therapist about this, and I'm not sure I'll ever be.

Why did this have to happen to me? I thought it was hard enough being a gay guy with Aspergers but I was somewhat content until, seemingly out of nowhere, I started questioning my gender identity and having major anxiety about it!

Has anyone had this experience and decided they are NOT transgender?

Transgender doesn't only have to mean transsexual, MtF, or FtM. Just like autism has a big spectrum, so does gender. Falling under the "trans" umbrella are also categories like genderqueer or gender-nonconforming. That means you could be both masculine and feminine, or neither, or identify as male and female. Also people transition in different ways. It does not all have to be about getting surgery, though that is valid for some people. It may be about changing your pronouns, or your personal expression for clothes and hair, or talking more openly about feeling feminine as well as masculine, etc.

Good luck with your journey!