This is me... confused

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I sometimes see and talk about "hot guys", but the idea of actually being with them leaves me cold. I talk a good game, but if I were alone in a room... I'm not sure I could do much with them. I am an older male and most of my life I spent avoiding touch, but as I've gotten a little older, I find myself more curious. I would like to try to kiss, but in the past I couldn't have that one so close to my face.

I can often do some act on another male, but the idea of someone returning the favor is impossible. I can't imagine how it would be possible for someone to... um... take me to the moon. I don't wish to be vulgar or in bad taste.

Yet, I don't know what to do. I would like to have a real relationship with someone on that level, but not sure if I can. Holding and touching is often very difficult. So often I hate just being touched at all and this is just day-to-day stuff. Let alone anything beyond that. I am beginning to think I am wasting time, resources on something that can never be.

Just, like, talking about this is embarrassing and uncomfortable. Just confused and trying to figure out where I want life to go or not go. Sometimes I think I would be better off abandoning possible sexual relationships because I find it so hard to process and deal with it.

It's not so bad once you're used to it.

Once I was sure of my sexuality it wasn't difficult to meet guys and gradually be more comfortable around them and be able to fulfill what I had only thought or fantasized about.

A few years later at age 33 I met your soul mate against the odds: a guy that accepts me for who I am and allows my idiosyncrasies and cares about me. Unfortunately we're not currently in the same city but are still in daily contact and I miss him such a lot: can't wait to be together again. I believe he's also on the spectrum as he's a computer geek type who dislikes crowds, noises, office socializing and many other things that "NTs" can't do without.

I have to fulfill my needs for the time being as I am rather highly sexed.

There are guys out there that will take things slowly and allow you to feel comfortable. I think for an Aspie it's often easier to meet guys than to meet girls.

I think that first and foremost, you need to become more comfortable with your own sexuality. Not just being gay, but having sexual desires and sexual things you like to do. It's ok to like everything you like and not to like everything you don't like.
I don't like physical touch very much, but I am very sexual. I spend a lot of time alone in front of the computer and that is ok with me. I have a partner who realizes that I want and enjoy touch much less than he does, and he's ok with that. But, after a period of years, I've become more comfortable with his touch than I've ever been with anyone else. I enjoy it more. Most of my sexy time is still spent alone because that's what I like best. We have found a way to keep us both happy without me giving in to touch that I don't want. It is possible. Ultimately, having a partner is less about sex than it is about love, companionship and friendship. Sex becomes just a small part of it, and 'sex' can mean lots of different things to different people. It doesn't have to be a cookie-cutter set of specific acts. It can be whatever works for both of you.

Yes, I agree, a relationship is more about love than sex. Someone has spent well over a year "courting me" and I was oblivious to the fact-- since we both just working at the same company. Once I finally put the pieces together, I realized how much he cares about me and probably treats me better than anyone else ever has in my life.

He understands my quirks and is patient with me. If I need space or go into my own world-- he lets me be until I am ready. Not sure if he was the one or even thinking much that way. Just taking it slow and trying to figure out what is best for me and him.

This "self-awareness" of being an Aspie is new to me. Yes, I was told I was on the low-end last fall-- But being almost 50 this is taking time to absorb. I spent too much life pretending on so many levels and no longer wish to do so.

If you're not comfortable with sexual contact, you can always find an asexual partner.

Maybe, I know sex does not equal love. But it can be an expression of a love. I suppose I can have a partner who loves me, but where sex is not part of the equation. It isn't like I haven't been anything in my life with anyone... it just didn't always feel right, comfortable. I think, maybe, doing something wouldn't be in my best interest. Not 100% sure, but I am okay if I never found a sexual partner again. Just want to maybe just love. Or be loved. Things in my head are confusing these days and I am trying (slowly) to sort things out.