Aro-ace aspiegirl pushing herself into dating.

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I'm asexual, but sex-positive, so if i can get myself in the mood I don't mind having sex - but I feel pressured and lose interest fast.
About being aromantic, I think it's because of trauma -four years in an abusive relationship-, but I'm really not interested in sharing my life with a romantic partner anyway.

For some reason, lately I've been trying to push myself into more NT ways of living, taht is to say - seeking a romantic partner when what I really want is to share my life with friends.

I've been seing this guy I met on Tinder and I though we were getting along just fine. But I have a cold, so I kept posponing seeing him -and I promise I wanted to, I just felt too ill- and this morning he bursted up in an angry/passive-agressive speech via whatsapp about how I'm avoiding him.

I was firm, I told him he needs to resect my limits, and that today it is about a cold - but later on it will be about a shutdown, a bad week regarding my social anxiety... I like being alone and I need it for my mental health.

He said he's not sure he can "handle that" so I've decided to talk to him tonight and break thinks off. And I found myself crying, and I wasn't sad! I was relieved! Letting a man into my life - who is not just a friend - was such a pressure and I didn't notice until now.

My NT friends support me, but they don't understand... so I needed to share.

Don't try to force yourself into NT/heteronormative ways of living if that's not what you really want. At the end of the day, you are who you are, and nobody can really change that. Not even you. Just be yourself and do what feels best for you personally!

I agree- I don't have much more to add, but sometimes it can be more reassuring to have more than one person telling you something. You should live your life the way you want to, and not force yourself to conform to anyone else's standard- NT or sexuality wise. If you are worried to live on your own, you could find a room mate or a friend to live with you. Friendships can be just as fulfilling and more fulfilling than romantic partners- don't force yourself to do something, especially if there's no real value for you in it. You may also want to look up the term Queer Platonic Partners, to see if you would like a relationship like that.

Interesting. Do you believe people can change at all? Should they even try if they are dissatisfied with aspects of their own personality? I tend to believe people can change with the right mindset and exposure to appropriate information/experiences, or technically we would never have progressed past infancy.
To the OP - I'm curious. What exactly is the difference between a romantic partner and a good friend, aside from sex? I'm grey-a myself (because I am capable of feeling sexual attraction, just have no desire to carry it out) and never understood this social role distinction. Textbook romanticism seems deceitful and false to me, so I doubt I've ever been romantic in that sense. But the "someone to share your life with" shtick sounds nice. I know some asexuals have romantic relationships without sex, and one woman I spoke to recently who identified this way said she and her girlfriend had elevated their connection to the importance of a relationship, it just didn't have sex in it. Would aromantic asexual people consider connections with a significant other a relationship, or a friendship?
It's been years since I even bothered to think about any of that stuff.
As to your experience, it is a shame so many people interpret getting into relationship territory as an excuse to be pushy, smothering and demanding. I think even an introverted or independent NT woman might take exception to a man she just met accusing her of avoiding him and getting crazy just because she has a cold. "Clingy" comes to mind as the complaint for that sort of behaviour. Maybe you just need a beau who is more laid back and is happy to take things slowly and give you your own space.

At least you have people to talk too. I am the male form version of yourself OP, Sans friendships.

Consider yourself lucky.

At least I'm pretty attractive, so I got that going for me which is nice.

I think a limited degree of change is possible, but some things are too central to be changed long-term - at least without causing some kind of psychological damage.



I have similar difficulty figuring it out.