How do I deal with transphobia? (FtM)

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Hey.
I was put in this skype group and I was talking to people when someone started asking me questions about my trans identity. They were being blatantly transphobic and it really sucked because the people in there were cool. I left, but now I'm just kind of crying in my room because of how much I feel like a liar for my identity.
It just really sucked.. *sigh*

Is there anything you do to make this not as upsetting? I'm really sad over having to leave that groupchat too. :/

What is trans-phobia? What do you consider trans-phobic? What did they say?

Hi, I'm a guy on the Internet and I'm angry that you didn't deal with the situation properly, but left.
Of course, it can be difficult to know what to do and follow though, I understand that, but I'm still sad about it, because you might have had a chance to assert yourself there.

I think this person is very young. I know I had trouble dealing with bullying from other kids at that age.

Hey Skythysa, I'm sorry this happened to you. Mean people suck, they really do. No matter what someone else says - especially someone who doesn't actually know you - you are NOT a liar for your identity.

My reaction to transphobia depends on my mood. If I'm having a good or okay day, I figure they are insecure and have to push their views on everyone else. If I'm having a bad day it can wipe out whatever self confidence I had built up or could hang onto. If I've had to do something connected to my past that induces me to fall back into that role, I'm a mess for days. All of those are externally influenced. Which means however I'm feeling, it is not who I am - it's who someone else wants me to be! Usually, though, I'll call them out on it regardless of how I'm feeling because I've got a daughter that is going to have to live in the world she finds when she leaves home someday.

Before leaving a group like that you might as well find out if they'll stick up for you. I mean at that point what do you have to lose? Either way, always try to remember that no one has the right to decide who you are inside except you.

I'll usually deal with transphobia by starting a discussion with the person, about their ideas and where they acquired these ideas, about alternate ideas, about the facts of the matter.
Also, depending on what this person said to you, they may not have been meaning to be intentionally transphobic. Trans people seem to think everyone knows as much as we do about transgender issues and if they are ignorant, they're being so on purpose. Often not true. I dislike "educating" people about my personal situation but when getting into a genuine discussion with people about the topic, I have had people who started the conversation off as transphobic or just ignorant gaining a much better understanding of their own beliefs, and how that relates to the object of those beliefs, by the end of the conversation. People have ended up saying things like "I never thought about it like that," or "I don't even know why I believed that."
Also when you're young if can be difficult not to take things personally. Keep in mind if some random person in a Skype group is transphobic, they hate transgender people as a generalisation, they don't hate you as a person - they don't even know you. Just be calm and discuss things seems to be a good way to turn transphobic ideas around.

Transphobia is negative attitudes towards trans people.

The OP can share what they said if he likes, but some things I've heard are:

Insisting on using the wrong pronouns despite being corrected (which is not the same as occasionally slipping and self-correcting).

Saying it's a sin and you should accept the body God gave you.

Saying that trans people are mentally ill and need therapy to accept their bodies rather than transitioning.

Asking overly intrusive questions about the person's genitalia and what medical procedures they have or haven't received, or implying that those make a difference to what gender they will be considered. (Eg telling a transwoman that she's still a man because she still has a penis.)

Insisting that a trans person is really just gay and in denial.

I'm sure other posters could give many other examples. Especially since I'm not trans myself, just an ally, and so I haven't been the target of any of these personally.

Ok, I was wondering if this person was misinterpreting curiosity with phobia. Kids aren't necessarily going to be tactful when asking questions, even if it's only curiosity.

Because he specifically mentioned that they were asking questions, and that to me sounds more like curiosity than anything.

I am also curious about transgender but I am always afraid to ask questions about it. I see transgender is a very sensitive topic so it's hard to not offend because you don't know what can be taken offensively when you discuss it. So it's always better to avoid the topic.

The problem with avoiding the topic is that then many people will have misconceptions that aren't corrected. Then it becomes more of something to fear for many people.

Although I can understand why you feel that way.

I agree there, it's a catch 22.

This always puzzles me, because of what we have at our disposal right here - the Internet. Why do you need to ask and be worried about offending a transgender person when you can read and research almost all the facts, and many of the opinions, online without infringing on anyone's privacy? There are trans people who document almost every phase of their transition on YouTube. The information is hardly restricted or difficult to find.

C2V, when I came out to my family, some tried searching online. Of the first page of hits all but one were anti-trans. When we later told our daughter is also trans (just before trans kids became an media "thing") Ken Zucker's opinions and practices were still being cited by the media as valid. If someone has honest questions and shows they are not setting up an argument, I'll waste the time on Trans 101. Even though trans education is readily available online the, "teach the controversy" and religious sites have really stepped up their efforts to match.

If it were someone I knew well or was becoming friends with, I'd actually probably prefer to get his or her point of view rather than just assuming that he or she was like all the other trans people online or shared the same experiences.

Everyone is unique and has a different perspective. I think part of getting to know someone is learning about their life experiences and personality. If the topic is always avoided, it becomes a barrier between true understanding and closeness.

Obviously I think one shouldn't ask ridiculous inappropriate questions that wouldn't be asked of someone who is cisgender. Such as questions about one's sex life or genitals. Those are things that I wouldn't want to know about anyone I was friends with.

I'd like to think this negative picture is less common now, but it probably isn't. I know I've read some vehement anti-trans stupidity myself, but maybe due to the wording of my searches, much of the results have been positive or simply neutral factual information.
And I agree, it depends on the person's attitude a lot. I have done trans 101 a few times, BUT mainly because the person did not ask the usual ignorant questions in a disrespectful way. They had sense enough already to be delicate and respect me as a person, even if they knew nothing about trans issues and had never spoken to a transsexual before, so were curious about the experience.
That though, I find, is more a discussion, a feedback loop of give and take, rather than someone questioning me and me answering their invasive questions like it's my job to educate them just because I am classed in a minority. I'm always up for a sensible discussion with a respectfully curious and intelligent person though. Even if I am unwilling to reveal my own physical situation, I will discuss the topic.



Yeah I think my wording may have been a bit general. The kinds of questions referred to upthread as potentially offensive usually are the sorts of offensive questions trans people get asked, and it's almost always about sex and genitals, as you said. It's what's between your legs, what you do with it, and with who. People who ask if you have a penis or if you've had it chopped off, do you have sex with gay men or women (never assuming a person with a penis has sex with straight men) or if you have a vagina, do you have penetrative sex with men like a woman or do you take it up the arse like a gay man?
Asking a transsexual about their experiences of gender and how that affects and informs their experiences in life - the sorts of personal experience questions one would ask if interested in getting to know a person better in forming friendships, as you specify - I doubt many people would consider potentially offensive. It's a nice perspective you're coming from and I agree everyone's experience of transition is different. Asking about that, when you get to know the person enough for that to be an appropriate topic, wouldn't be offensive.

I have been reading about transgender sometimes and questions pop in my head like how did transgender people live back in the days when it was illegal to live as a another gender you were not born with. How did they survive those days? Did any adult transgender today ever come out or express how they feel about their assignment gender as children? Back in the days before treatment for transgender, how did some manage to pull it of as living as another gender? I have read how some did manage to get married and I wonder how they pulled that one off without being discovered by their partner.

I have read about discrimination and I wonder how that works. I have heard about trans being denied medical care so if a transgender were to be dealing with chronic pain lets say so they go in to see a doctor, does the doctor refuse to even see them? Also when a trans signs up for medical insurance, how do they know they are trans? Wouldn't the trans person have to put down the name that is on their birth certificate if they hadn't legally changed it or even if they have, is it because the name and birth gender don't match?

I hope none of these are offensive. I did ask about the restroom one in another thread however.

I also used to wonder where they gay myth came from because I have read that is a common myth people have for transgender when I read about transgender myths. That they are gay. Then I saw a random comment saying that the reason why people think that is because they think "men" are wanting to be a different gender so they could change their sexuality. That answered my question for where the gay myth comes from.