Lesbian seeking advice.

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My girlfriend, who is only technically a female, but in every other way shape and form is a man (gets mistaken as a man every day), definitely has Asperger's, but she won't admit it. It's effecting her every day life and our relationship.

My dad has Asperger's and was diagnosed as a child, so I know the signs very well, and I see the struggles she faces every day. I tried to tell her she had this, but she won't listen to me.

Can you guys tell me if you think she has Asperger's by these symptoms so she can see, and tell me what you think I should do?

She can't make eye contact and often times stares at an object in a room while talking to you. Sometimes she will try and make eye contact but as soon as you look into her eyes she looks away, making it incredibly awkward.

Anytime I try and speak about feelings with her, or speak my feelings she just doesn't answer me. She will just look off into the distance. This KILLS me. One time I prompted her to express her feelings to me, just tell me how she's feeling and she had a meltdown, screaming, "I CAN'T I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, I CAN'T".

When she's upset she rubs her hands in a weird way, and taps her foot on the ground if she sitting. I've also seen her move her feet in circles, but not all of the time. She's a drummer for certain, and drums on everything with her hands. Especially when nervous.
Don't know if this is an aspie thing.

She doesn't seem to understand body language at all. Like if I were to say, "Yeah that's fine, we can go see that movie even though it's going to make me late to work, and I will be broke afterwards." She will take that as a yes, and be cheery all the way to the door to leave. She just doesn't get it.

She also has obsessions, that she talks about constantly. It gets embarrassing when she talks about computers to my friends who aren't interested at all.. Some of her obsessions last a few weeks then die off.. Like anime. But God it was all she talked about in those three weeks.

She also has anger issues.. And meltdowns.. Which I think are related to not being diagnosed when she should've been. She has broken my things, called me hurtful names, and thrown my valuables during these meltdowns. I need her to get help, but she won't believe me that something is wrong. What should I do?

Not much you can do besides showing her the traits of aspies and comparing them to how she acts. You can't force somebody to get diagnosed, so unless she wants to look into the possibility of her having AS, there is not much you can do here.

I don't see how a diagnosis will help you. It won't eliminate her problems.

Tell her about the things she does that bother you and ask her to work with you to solve them.

What is it about her you like/why do you put up with this behavior (I'm assuming it bothers you)? I'm asking this for myself.

I like her because she's different than anyone else I've ever met, and extremely quirky and shows me a different perspective on life everyday. I stay with her because when she's sweet she can be extremely sweet, but when she isn't is the problem. I think if she would get diagnosed it could help our relationship tremendously b she won't" do you think she has the traits from what i mentioned?

You sound nitpicky and critical just by the way you talk about her and notice every little thing. It seems as if you're just idealizing her as a quirky manic pixie type. I don't blame her for throwing fits and staring off into space because it sound like you're quite the nag. Reminds me of the douche I dated when I was 18.

I think willful ignorance of ubiquitous things like computers should be its' own psychological disorder. It's definitely a limitation.

For clarification:
>>Embarrassed by technology...
>>...complains on internet.

Please consider the consequences of ignoring how this all works.

Do you know what happens when people get diagnosed? They get paperwork describing their test results, possibly a suggestion for treatment. They don't get their problems fixed, they don't get much help managing their symptoms.

She has traits, but they could be traits of other conditions.

Hi, as a partner of an Aspie, here's my two cents:

1. Educate yourself about women with Aspergers. It doesn't matter if she's got Aspergers or Asperger-like traits, you can provide help in very similar ways. I loved both Sarah Hendrickx's "Women and Girls with ASD" and Rudy Simone's "22 Things A Woman With Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know." That second one is funnier, so read it first if you need some humor. These books have been extremely helpful for me and my partner didn't even have to read them.

2. Find other ways to describe her brain that are empowering. With my partner I say "eccentric genius" about 80% of the time and "Aspergers" about 20%. "Aspergers" is still stigmatized in a lot of contexts in the world, unfortunately, and it's not helpful to try to make her take on a label if it makes her feel broken. So if I need something from my partner that's about how her brain works, I'll tend to start with "you know how you're an eccentric genius and this means you don't give a crap about money? Here's what I need ..."

3. You might try this when you want to talk about feelings: "I'd like to tell you how I feel. It helps me if you can either look at me or hold my hand or sit close to me, do any of those feel good to you? Can we do this tonight? And then I know you might need a few days to think about what I've said, but would you get back to me about what you think? Either tell me or text me." And then the really hard part is to say how you feel, ideally keep it under about 20 min if you can, and then do something else together that's fun or bonding. When I learned to get good at this (and it took me years), I am amazed at what my partner will come back with in about 48 hours. ... Also plan B, have the conversation via text. About half of the tough conversations I have with my partner are via text chat over a few hours while I'm away at work. ... Oh and Plan C, talk to your NT friends more about how you feel so you don't have to put as much pressure on her to listen to your feelings.

4. It's great that you can see that she doesn't understand body language. This means you've won the partner lottery and gotten someone you can be supremely straightforward with. It'll take some practice, but you can learn to stop using body language and sarcasm. It's still amazing to me that I can just say, "It's bugging me that the kitchen isn't clean. Will you clean it today?" (instead of sulking around the house) and she usually says "okay, I'll do it this afternoon." Totally straightforward, no weird emotional positioning. Warning: this may spoil you for future relationships with neurotypical people.

5. Obsessions -- these are well handled in the Rudy Simone book. Basically, if you understand social interaction and timing, you can translate for her. Bonus points if you let her skip social events she doesn't want to go to and pair her with friends of yours that share similar interests.

6. Meltdowns -- also good stuff in the Simone book. I think meltdowns have two parts and the first is getting good about helping her avoid them by understanding what overstimulates her and helping her get away when it's too much. The second is negotiating when she's not in a meltdown about what helps her when she is. When my partner is heading in that direction, generally she needs to be alone in a room with total silence. So I take the pets and get lost. Oh and I should add that she doesn't always know that she's heading for a meltdown, so some of the time it's me saying, "I see you're getting quivery, do you need things to get quiet for a while?"

I've been with my partner for 9 years -- more than twice as long as with anyone else (yeah that's my ADHD brain there). She's amazing! She is by far the most honest, straightforward, funny, fair-minded, kind person I've dated. And we had to spend a lot of time training each other, but it's definitely worth it.