How long will I feel this way?

Post Reply New Topic

How do you do it? Will I feel this way for the rest of my life?
I would appreciate some advice on coping with this. I don't see how to go on.


My name is Eric and I turned 52 this year. On July 23, 2017, my boyfriend Jacob and I wanted to celebrate our 5th anniversary. Unfortunately, after a few too many drinks, Jacob decided that he wanted to party a little harder. He called some dealer he knew that I've never met (he always goes out to their car) and bought some crack and heroin. Since I'm not a boy scout and never will be, I dived right in with him. He likes heroin (snorted, no needles) and snorted a big line. After about 10 minutes, I did a small one to mellow some of the paranoia cocaine produces in me. I then look over at Jake and he has one eye open and staring, not moving at all. That was my last memory of that day and of Jacob. Turns out it was mostly fentanyl and we both overdosed. I woke up in a hospital and was told I was wandering around the hotel hallways (we had gotten a room before starting) incoherent. Jacob will never wake again and it destroyed me. My heart and soul were broken. I withdrew from living and have attempted to join Jake a few times in the last few months (I have some strong prescriptions) by overdosing and cutting my wrist (I passed out before I got both arms). As a result, I was hospitalized (psych wards) as a danger to myself. How do I live without a whole heart or soul? Please let it be just a bad dream. I still wake up and cry. Throughout the day, I see and feel constant reminders of his presence everywhere and it's killing me.

Jacob was 20 (I was 47) when we met, he was a smart, funny, loving kid (very mature but the street does that) who suffered from schizoaffective disorder and as a result lived on the street. I've spent some time on the street in my youth (another post) so I had no problem talking to strangers (beats starving). He always rode a skateboard passed my bus stop and one day he wiped out. I went and gave him a hand up and asked if he was OK? He made a joke about breaking the board next time. He asked if I had a cigarette and sat beside me to smoke it. We started talking and I learned about him and how he dropped out of high school but wanted to get his GED now that he knows what it's like in the real world. I told him about my experiences on the street and we joked about how some things never change. Then I did something which probably seems really stupid, but talking had brought back memories of that time.

The man who took me in (Scott, (62) for the curious), not for sex or anything (he was not gay, widowed), but because he had a generous heart and simply wanted to help the street kids and have some company (we always made sure he knew who not to trust at all). He would often buy us food or clothes, and if it was too cold, he would let the younger ones stay the night (sleeping bags in the heated garage) and passed out blankets to the others if they didn't have one. One night, I told him my life story (as much as there was, I was only 17) and he told me stories about life, period. He found out that I was 2 classes short of passing high school and he made me an offer, stay with him and complete school and he would help me with whatever I wanted to do with my life. I accepted and that year I took the military aptitude test and scored in the top 1%. Recruiters calling (all of them). I decided to join the Air Force since I could not afford college, I also had some issues, I would never burden Scott like that. When he took me to the airport and we were saying goodbye, I finally asked him how I could ever repay him and he told me to simply give someone a chance like he did me, one day when I could (lot of tears by now).

Well, I did it. I proposed Jacob an offer. Stay with me as long as he needed to get on his feet. As long as I had a place, so did he. He was wary of course, you don't live on the street without realizing that everyone has their own agenda and a lot are simply users. He told me he was straight and not to hit on him if he accepted. Well he came to live with me and he finally relaxed after a few weeks and I hadn't tried anything. And then he saved my life. In September, I suffered a hemorrhagic stroke and passed out as I was getting ready for work (shower was on). He realized something was wrong when the shower was running so long and I didn't answer him. He broke down the door and called 911. If I was alone, I would have died. When I was in the hospital for a month, every single day he came and visited me for hours. We talked and talked about everything. This is when we fell in love with each other. He admitted he was bi and I told him I was gay (he actually hadn't figured it out). After I got out of the hospital, one night he knocked on my bedroom door and asked if he could talk with me. Sometimes I'm clueless and just figured he was lonely. After ten minutes talking (we never seemed to run out of things to talk about), he put his hands on my shoulders and asked why, if i'm gay) I didn't ever try anything? Was he that ugly? Well, I reminded him that #1 he said he would kick my ass and #2 I made a promise and I MEANT IT! Otherwise I would have months ago. He smiled, leaned in, and kissed me. While I was paralyzed with shock/fear(bad things in my past)/hope, He looked me in the eyes and told me he wanted to share my bed, which became our bed after that night.

And yes, he got his GED at age 21.

I miss you so much Jacob, wait for me.

When I first get to Heaven, the first thing I'm going to do is find you.
The second thing I will do is never let you go again.

Time doesn't heal anything, it just teaches us how to live with the pain.

Changed the title because it clashed with another post.

_________________
ASD, ADHD-PI, PTSD , BI-Polar 2

Quetiapine 300mg Morning
Quetiapine 100mg Night
Depakote 1500mg Night
Sertaline 75mg 2xDaily
Bupropion 100mg 2xDaily
Gabapentin 600mg Morning
Gabapentin 300mg Night

Imagine my therapist's embarrassment when it turned out they really were after me.

Eric,

First, I am terribly sorry to hear of your loss. I can't imagine what that must feel like and certainly hope that you find your way to hang in there and get past this all.

You have been fortunate in your life to have had someone to take care of you and set you on a path to success when you were younger. You made that difference in Jacobs life as well.

While I don't have much personal experience in dealing with such a close loss (other than my parents), my only and best suggestion is to aim to make it through one day at a time. Scott gave you a wonderful chance at living a full life off the streets and you have done well with it. Give yourself some time and aim to make it through each day as I said before and when you are ready there will be another opportunity for you to help someone else. This is the legacy that Scott has given you - don't give up on it.

Hang in there Eric...it will get better.


FF