Adult and Gay with Aspergers

Post Reply New Topic

I wanted to start a topic for all the gay adults out there who have been living with or just realized they may have Aspergers. I am a 53 y/o guy who was diagnosed 12 years ago, but have been in the closet about it ever since. I'm out as a gay man, but the Aspergers carries a lot more stigma than being gay ever did. My friends would (and continue to) dismiss my Aspergers as an excuse for being lazy, but we all know that's not how life for us really is.

As I grow older I'm finding that my symptoms are getting worse as well. I have much more difficulty reading cues and being able to fit in socially. I'm not sure if that's just part of getting older or if its the Aspergers. My Dr doesn't know either. His admonishment is that I don't give up and continue to try to fit in. Sound familiar?

Any one else have ideas about aging and Aspergers?

Hi there, greetings from Oregon. I agree that being out is a lot easier than explaining Aspergers. Fitting in socially is difficult especially when trying to figure out what to say and when to say it. Shutting down usually seems to be the response. That way I cant be accused of saying anything weird or out of line and risk turning someone off. I'm actually in my 50s as well and can relate to your struggles. Sometimes I can go out with friends and i am ready to go home in 20 minutes or less and sometimes I can stay out for hours, it just depends. it's hard to explain. luckily my closest friends understand and that makes it easier to try harder. One of my friends actually googled Asperger's and the next time we met, she asked if it was okay to give me a hug. That was much appreciated. another friend and I have a pact, that she gets to hug me every third time we meet, that seems to work well too. (until its that third day and I say oh crap, i want to stay home) ha ha but i roll my eyes and muddle through it. Good luck with your battles, you are not alone.

to be honest i think aspergers is getting way worse with me as i get older (please bear in mind that im actually 18, 19 on the 10th june so this is from the perspective of someone significantly younger, hopefully thats not offensive to say). i think im getting worse, because it wasn't obvious at all when i was little, then it sort of presented itself in late primary school, then was still kind of invisible during high school (but at this point it was beginning to become visually obvious) and then where i am now (year before university) its become kinda obvious and a fair amount worse then before. i think in school though, the people in my classes could tell because of the relentless bullying i got (which thinking about, was totally because of it) but now its just become so bad that i can't hide it from more adult people as well.


to be honest, my main concern is trying to explain that i have aspergers to my future boyfriend without making it sound like he is dating a child (if that makes sense) not sure how i would word it, maybe it will be obvious in the first place so i dont have to explain.

I haven't tried dating yet. I just received my diagnosis a few months ago and have only recently become employed.

I still live with my parents, which I find very frustrating as I'm 30 years old. I really want to move out before I start dating, but there is no way I could afford to do so because I make too little money.

Even if I were trying to date, I imagine people wouldn't understand ASD. I'm afraid they would dismiss me. Maybe they'll think I'm ret*d or something, which is what many people naturally assume when they hear the word autism.

I'm also trying to lose weight. I lost a lot, but I have a long way to go, and I'm just not comfortable with my body.

I created an OKCupid profile. When I go on there, I see cute guys who have high matches, but it just makes me sad because I know I'm not in a place to start dating right now. And even if I were, I'd have no idea what to do.

I am 49 and always known about my preference towards men, my AS diagnoses was only made in recent years, but due to the lack of being social towards strangers makes it difficult to fit either into any conversation even with people i know so i don't bother about telling anyone, if the question is ever asked i will have no issue telling the person in front of me, which has happened only on a handful of occasions over the last 15 years

I can very well relate. Over the years, I have went from severe/moderate to high functioning autism which was around middle school and high school years. As college came on and after I graduated, I became more aware of myself and started to overthink certain things and had more anxiety about other things. But I had managed to be very self aware lately.

When I look for a man, I prefer he is quirky like me or at least has ASD or a disability. I would like a man I can very well relate to with past stories and challenges that are similar. A reason to make someone my PARTNER considering partners are together living life. When it comes to disclosing my diagnoses to guys, I will eventually tell them up front so I can see a yes or no and I can see how they react to it whether positively, indifferent (not understanding), or negatively. It does bother me when I go try to pick up a guy and they have no clue what ASD is other than stereotypes or the lower functioning people they know.

Otherwise, compassion shall go both ways.

As a 52yo gay man with aspergers I can agree. It was really hard coming out at 18yo... but its been harder to try and explain aspergers to people. When I think about it, I can remember aspergers traits as a child way before i knew I was gay. I didn't show facial expressions like the other kids did... I was depressed and angry most of the time and didnt know why. I stopped talking in the 3rd grade and the school put me with a guidance counselor... we mostly played chess. I'm sure he didnt know what to make of me. I didnt get the aspergers diagnosis until I was 45 believe it or not. I have been seeing a psychiatrist since I was 28... treated for anxiety and depression since then but it wasnt until i switched to a different dr. that they put all the pieces together and updated my diagnosis as aspergers. anyway yes i can ramble ... but I think I'm lucky in that I can hold down a job, I make decent money, and I can live on my own. I have a small handfull of friends, but never dated anyone successfully.

That's a great idea to form a group of gay men who have disorders, I am autistic and I am gay and so I think that it would be a great forum group, good luck on that!

Hi Reedo,
My name is Bob and I was diagnosed in 2015 of ASD (High Functioning Autism)
At that time I was 55 years young and I had never heard of the Autism Spectrum so I did heaps of research on the subject.
I remember the first youtube video I watched was 'the women who could think like a cow.' of course it was a video about Temple Grandin and that made me think of my own life.
O' by the way I am an openly gay man and have been for god knows how long.
Australia passed the law just this year that same sex people can marry.
After months of research and a few tests by a physiologist and also the online test of 120 questions I was convinced that I am Aspie.
This made so much sense to me and why I do the things that I do.
I really had no issue with being Aspie as it was the real me, I was not mad or dumb or anything as such.
I am an intelligent guy with a good sense of humour but my crutch is meltdowns.
Yes for me it is true that I have less social contact as say 10 years ago. I guess I just live with it but what does bother me a tad is the fact that I need to return to work and as such I need to overcome inner fears that are restricting me from doing so.
I am Neurodiverse (Aspie) and I know that I have limitations. I am not able to become Neurotypical just like an Apple Computer is not able to become a Microsoft Computer.
But having said that I have so many great skills and I would not change for the world. If I was to have a choice to eliminate two 'thorns in my side' they would be; lack of communication skills and social anxiety. I hope I am not sounding paradoxical.
Remember Reedo, you are Aspie so you are awesome.

Much love.

Bob

We are all born passive personalities, our environment dictates our personality later on in life: passive-aggressive, or aggressive.

Aggressive is not a good thing, we need to all be passive-aggressive.

That's horrible that your friends think you are lazy because you are an Aspie. I might be a lesbian. I have never had a boyfriend and never felt the urge to have one. Being born in a religious cult was my misfortune in life. Being born an aspie was my biggest blessing.

I always had a girl crush on teachers or other women in my life but never had a relationship sexually with a woman. If my family found out that I "swing that way" they won't treat me the same. The religion I was raised in thinks being gay is a choice and is evil. I'm going to have to stay in the closet for my whole life. I still have fantasies when I go to sleep at night and nobody can take that away from me.