Thoughts and repression

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I realized that repressing won't solve anything. I have invasive thoughts daily regarding men I'm friends with one I'm attracted to who I have made a post about. It's hard to accept it and I'm not sure what to do. It's suffocating and I can't stand the thought of being seen as a fruitcake. I have a strong feeling I don't feel attracted to women, but I feel like I need a relationship with one due to my love for the west and preserving its culture.

I wish I could accept me, but I'm overwhelmed by the fear of what I am. I'm also speaking with a man who knows a little but not all of what I struggle with.

Hey,

Sorry to hear that you're struggling with internalised homophobia. I think that great deal of homophobia is sometimes rooted in sexism and strict gender expectations / roles. It sounds like that is what you may be struggling with in regards to living up to the 'culture of the west'. Maybe you could expand on this further?

It's fairly common to feel a sense of grief when coming to terms with a new sense of identity. You're trying to make sense of new feelings and how they fit into your worldview and how they might define you.

Are you familiar with the five stages of grief? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I know there's some debate regarding this model but I have found it useful in such conversations.

I think it's good that you are reaching out and sharing this with others. I know it seems overwhelming but I'll lend an ear if you want to talk.

I think you might have to re-evaluate how you work towards your goal.

If you believe western civilization is genuinely at risk of ceasing to exist (rather than just simply evolving naturally) than there's gotta be more you can do to help besides merely producing a handful of kids.

a) Having kids doesn't guarantee that they will be ideologically aligned with you, even less so if you're not involved with raising them due to the relationship that caused them failing.
b) If you can find a suitable partner (same sex in this case) you can still adopt kids and attempt to raise them with your values.

I think you might also need to think about how some elements of western civilization that traditionalists promote aren't necessarily the best elements to begin with. Living a lie to avoid being seen as a fruitcake only hurts the people who are directly involved, you, the female partner you enter a relationship with on false pretenses and any kids that result. Why do traditionalists see this as a positive when it only results in harm? Western civilization isn't threatened by people being free to be themselves, it's preserved (even if change occurs, change is also inevitable so what's being preserved is guaranteed to change).

Modern western values aren't the same as the values of the enlightenment era, which weren't the same as the values of the pre-enlightenment era, but people often try to lump them all together as western values/western civilization. Instead of getting too caught up about the (flawed) notion of western civilization or western values, think about what actually matters to you about what you consider to be western values and focus on those values specifically.

You also might want to unpack why you view being homosexual as synonymous with being a fruitcake (or more directly, not being "a real man"). As much as a lot of gay men might find liberation in not feeling like they have to conform with traditional masculinity, there's no reason why gay men can't enjoy whatever sort of macho s**t they'd like to enjoy.

I don't really have any insight into dealing with internalized homophobia since I'm gynephilic, but I can probably help a bit with picking apart gender roles because I was definitely a bit of an overcompensating needledick when I was younger. Thankfully I've been able to deconstruct a lot of that and reevaluate things.

I know two gay couples that have had families.
The two guys adopted a young black female, giving her a far better home and opportunities than they usually get in America.
It could be argued that the states that are tolerant of gay couples are doing better than those that aren't.
One measure is the taxes they pay into the Federal government versus the money they get back.

So, it seems you have a way to reconcile your homosexuality with your political views, do you think you can convince the homophobes within your political sphere that you're "one of the good ones" and not like the homosexuals they hate?

Will they even care, or will they not be willing to make exceptions because they don't care how you ideologically excuse it?

If they're unwilling to make excuses even for queer people who align themselves with their cause and define themselves as distinct from other queer people, might they not be the best choice of people to align yourself with?