AS - Trans MTF

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I know those feels about Vision problems. They can be terrible. My eye sight continues to get worse and worse. I'm legally blind without my glasses. Upwards of 20/(400-500). I've had eye muscle surgery twice in my life so far.

Although flashes sound like a weird thing. Is it a visual aura, like part of a seizure?

It's very brief. At first, it was like just little sparks, but the flashes now are like very briefly appearing (like less than a second) arcs of light that take up a huge portion of the field of vision, just causing weird stuff to happen. They're almost like lightning strikes and I remember an optometrist warning me of "lightning streaks" in my field of vision.

I went to E3k back when I had money. They inject lidocaine to numb the area; the injection itself is painful, though. Nevertheless, the numbness helps you sit through the process.

It's unfortunate that no one else provides services like E3k.

Ugh, I feel very bad about not having a clear path to coverage for SRS, even with my therapist providing me my letters. People tell me, well, everybody gets that in their own time. Yeah, but that's cuz of lack of coverage and money, not lack of medical readiness. Also, I know someone who has schizoaffective disorder, for whom the psychosis and mood issues are well-controlled but the negative symptoms and cognitive deficits make working anything but a menial job impossible and living on her own impossible, and she's in her 50s; she went full-time in her 20s, and after 30 years she's still been unable to get SRS, not because of medical issues, but because she simply can't afford and no one will provide coverage for it for her. I'm tired of f*****s with their empty platitudes.

Here I show how the court found that the security concerns mentioned in the Kosilek case were a pretext:

http://beneficii.blogspot.com/2013/12/a ... -used.html

I was reading this article here and I was thinking, For my SRS, probably no one I know would even give a dime for it, and neither would anyone travel with me or help me recuperate from it. I would either have to pay someone to do it--out of the question--or do it on my own.

Here's the article:

http://www.pqmonthly.com/id-check-journ ... gery/17698

What I've seen done by a few times mtfs is that they go together if they can afford to, and usually one of them will have some support in place. Affording SRS and everything that goes along with it the big question. Right now, If I were to have SRS, I have only one person I could ask to go with me without it being an imposition on them for not going to school, or work, and help me recover, and that's till after the holiday season as their schooling starts again with a new semester that may make different demands than the last one on their time. Having a support in place, of any kind also hierachically implies that you have some social relationship with the support. And that's something we kind of suck at.

I read on Dr. Supron (Thailand doctor) website that he provides - in other words you pay for - 24 hour nurses after surgery for a few days ?

I will find it on his website ...

I'll probably never go to Suporn. If I can afford Chett, then I would go to him, and Chett is cheaper.

As for U.S.-based surgeons, I just found out Dr. Rumer will no longer process insurance claims starting next year. That means you would have to pay for the full cost of the procedure up front and then go to your insurance company for reimbursement. Since for me, the purpose of insurance coverage is so I don't have to spend years saving up for SRS, I'm going to strike Rumer off my list of surgeons. I guess that just leaves Bowers who takes insurance.

I get the sense I'm disappointing the people in my workplace. When I transitioned, people were surprisingly supportive, but I haven't exactly been a blooming rose. I'm still pretty obviously withdrawn and it seems that those who get to know me long enough can see the autism, so I haven't exactly been the life of the party or anything. On occasion, it seems like people use the boy version of my name, which I've never gone by; basically, to use the boy version you'd just need to drop the 'a'. Sometimes, I don't really hear that ending 'a' so I wonder. Maybe it's because I disappoint people.

Did you inform them to never call you by that abbreviated form of your name, and did they ignore you?

Because I'm never sure if the actually are or not. I'm guessing the '-a' at the end can be faint.

I'm having gender dysphoria surrounding my genitals again.

I'm thinking about someone I know who is a pre-op trans woman who had anal with a man and the man ended up treating her like a man, grabbing her genitals, etc., making her very dysphoric. It seems to get any respect, you have to have money or coverage for SRS. Otherwise, you're nothing.

I also read someone in the U.K., where coverage for SRS is usually guaranteed. Not here, though, at least not yet.

I'm having ambiguity about this again today. It's like they're pronouncing the '-a' but it's very faint or soft compared to the rest of the name.

Did they know you as a guy before you transitioned?

It really is quite paralysing, this gender dysphoria. It's frickin' hard to focus on doing stuff. I would tell my parents, but, they already know - I told them 5 years ago and their answer was to suggest conversion therapy. Well, at any rate to suggest that it was "just a phase". A phase which developed in early childhood and remained up to at least the age of 14. I want to tell them that it isn't, but, given that we passed someone who was probably a transwoman back in the summer and my dad referred to her as a "thing"...

Some knew me as a guy before transition, yes. I don't know if they're actually dropping the '-a', though.

Anyway, in other news, when I look up news stories on SRS, I am sick and tired of seeing Bruce Jenner's face pop up. God!