AS - Trans MTF

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I've been thinking about applying to the Jim Collins Foundation for a grant, but I've been wondering. They seem to want positive people who are go-getters; as well, they want people who have tried to fundraise on their own--whatever that means. Would they accept someone who has been limited by autism spectrum disorder, or would that not fit in their idea of "readiness for surgery"?

Well, my voice has gotten a lot less passable lately, maybe because of illness.

I don't don't know what to do about my voice. I need someone who is an expert on voice to sit with me for hours on end explaining everything to me. My voice fluctuates all over for a guy and I can't even make it consistently "male" sounding. It's not female sounding at all that anyone has ever said, but it ranges all over high to low pitch. A lot of it I think depends on how tired or excited I am. I know that definitely factors in.

Last night the dysphoria just came on strong. It usually is manageable but it was kind of frustrating. I usually can ignore it to get through the day or moment or whatever to keep functioning. I think maybe it just snuck in. I had finished work on one stage of a project I'm working on and then without being distracted by it, my mind just filled with the dysphoria, and that was it for the night. I couldn't do anything else buy lie in bed till I fell asleep.

May I ask a curiosity question ?

When you speak in absence of a recorder, then it sounds female to you , right ?

That is why it is hard to judge, because always my voice sounds female to me. However, played back on a recorder, then I might get sick to hear it.

Somehow the mind hears it differently than the recorder, and my mind processes my voice as female.



My GD is always tied to my estrogen levels. However, also, any "male reminder" may trigger intense anger and possibly suicidal thoughts.

As for voice, I always hear myself as female, too.

I just spoke to my therapist. He doesn't have the letters ready yet, but he affirms that SRS is medically necessary and he's going to be doing a structured interview with me next time I see him. Since I'm still waiting to examine my company's plan documents myself, I don't have a problem with this taking a bit longer.

When you're hearing your own voice, you're hearing a combination of the sound transmitted through the air and through your jaws, which changes how it sounds (mainly pitch that I know of, deepening it).

My voice to me doesn't sound female and also doesn't sound male. It just sounds monotonous at whatever pitch it happens to come out at. Also it feels sort of nasally unless it's the voice that comes out when I'm tired, or seated in a way that my head is tilted down towards my chest. I forget what the second way of sounding is named, but it's similar to how people sing lower without actually singing lower. The word escapes me now.

I think my hearing is messed up. I know that I don't hear things others do. I listen to loud music that I can stand. This is one of the things I think is messing me up with figuring out how to change my voice.

Several friends have said I can do higher pitched like the average female, but I'm not aware of it when I do, and I still haven't differentiated what I hear to know if it is or not. My brain just doesn't process it or something when I need to.



I thought I was pretty good in general with handling the dysphoria and causes but after last night maybe not. It's things like patience with myself where I go, today I have these things wrong with me that can be fixed, but one day I will not have to worry about them is what gets me through the day.

I've been having weight gain issues over the last two months, and it just got to me last night, that I felt so ugly with myself that I couldn't do anything about it, and was getting fatter like I used to be. I'm in that awkward stage halfway transitioned where my body is now mixed between male and female due to HRT. None of my clothes fit right either male or female. I still can't exercise the way I want to for another two months due to my knee recovery. I just want to not feel so craptastic about myself.

Ugh, I have gender dysphoria regarding my genitals and negative thoughts again.

I found that all the plans on my state's exchange specifically exclude transition-related care.

Here's what's going on in my case: I've confirmed with my endo's billing department that for the last few years, they've been using ICD-9 code 302.85 "Gender identity disorder in adolescents or adults" to bill my insurance company for office visits and lab work; my insurance has approved each of those claims and paid out fully except for the specialist co-pay. In working to get SRS, I called my insurance and they said that all transition-related care was excluded from the plan. I then contacted the Transgender Law Center, and they told me that probably it was excluded and that the endo might have just been using a code like "hormonal imbalance" to bill the insurance company. I called back and left a message saying that actually they have been billing "Gender identity disorder." I did not receive a call back from the Transgender Law Center.

I then spoke to the Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund and they asked for the summary plan description, which did not mention transition-related care at all and assured me my insurance does not exclude transition-related care. I then told them about how I was told over the phone they did, that they read me the specific clause. He suggested that the insurance company may have been going off the general policy for the insurance company, but not my specific plan, and that I should either try getting preapproval for SRS (which is incidentally what HR had recommend) or examining the plan documents.

I am in work to do both. We shall see!

Of course, its being the holidays means I gotta wait a little!

I had a very frank discussion tonight with my transgendered friend. I seem to recall that psychiatrists are a bit funny with people taking hormones from the internet? She's mentioned it (finally!) to one of them and is apparently getting an appointment sorted, but I'm not sure they'll take well to her attempting to take matters into her own hands...

As for me, I've had to point out that I'm very unlikely to get married to my mother, and indicated why (even if I don't transition, which is looking increasingly unlikely, I refuse to get married, because I don't want to be one of those people who's brought to despair later and wrecks peoples lives exiting a marriage and family they should have never begun) - alas, she still continued to mention it. I didn't mention that I'm more likely at this point to marry a man than a woman, that would just be too awkward. I still need to have a proper conversation with my parents about the matter of being trans though...

Was this a test to see if someone read your message closely ?

Oh, After reading it ten times, you pointed out to your mon that you are unlikely to get married. I see.

When I went to my therapist, I also spoke to him about the falling out with kathygnome at trueselves.com. My therapist agreed with me that it was not fair for her to just put me back on moderation without giving a reason. He described my angry response to her as "coping." He seemed to agree with you, LoveNotHate, that the "get help" comment was a sign she just didn't like me. He said that if you have a hard time figuring out why somebody dislikes you, then it tends to be more on the person.

Everything now seems discouraging again. I was looking at my insurance company's page on SRS, which they finally put up, and it said that it's only for plans that expressly include SRS. I then thought, my plan does not expressly include SRS.

Okay, I'm glad that's over with. Now my mum knows how I feel. Perhaps progress has been made on that front tonight, as long as she doesn't limit herself to sources that agree with her.

I think they did not appreciate your autism, and consequently, they did not like you.

I think they don't want to see frequent messages about SRS and what new information you have found about it. They don't appreciate discovery. Their minds do not have lasting curiosity about information. Instead, they see you as mentally-unstable, because of your autistic nature of researching all the infomation you can about it and reporting persistently about what you discover.

Also, you point out negatives in the trans community, and they want to hear happy elevator music.