I think I need some help...

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Okidoki, sir!
I was never physically violent or anything like that to a woman if you think so. Well, I've once hit a girl when I was 8 because she called a friend of mine fat xD
But yes, I did attack them verbally. But I'm not dangerous to be with.
Haha, sry, it's really ironical to call a gay man homophobic xD No offence!^^
But my "aggressions" weren't my reason to open this thread, so...

Why would you hit a girl? Some of your statements make me think that maybe you just need to sit down and have a really good "discussion" with yourself.

I don't know what's wrong with you, I said "I've once hit a girl when I was 8" I was 8 years old. I was a little child. and I made no difference between male and female back then. This girl, who was also 8 years old made my friend, who was also 8 years old, cry.
Your senseless answers make me think that you maybe just need to learn english you cow xD
Is it because you are gay or what? do you think you have to fight for the female rights now?
You thought you saw one of the stereotypical "women discriminating" terms and have to blame me for being inhumane now, me who has never hurt anybody but once when I was 8 years old?
I hope you live your life liberally and beautiful but if you try to make my life worse according to your feminist movement theory of "males are beasts and can only destroy" and "if you're a male, be careful about what you say because everything will be used against you even if you didn't say it" I would ask you to waste somebody elses time.
If you now call me intolerant or discriminating I know that you are either an idiot or really bad in english.
have a nice day, darling.
And please let me be.

Awes...This was something very brave, intimate and vulnerable to put out there for others to see. I can understand why it's so irritating to have someone read into it or not read it correctly and leave you defending yourself even against something that wasn't even the point of it. ((( Hugs ))) You're not your real self when you're being defensive.

I'm so thankful that you understand me. You understood it perfectly!
I don't want to use it as excuse but I could hardly sleep in the last week and I still can't fall asleep as a new side effect of my medicine and that probably made me testy...
but no... it's just me. I feel very uncomfortable with arguments and if I become the aim of an argument I instantly swap to the defensive mode, trying to eliminate the "enemy" as quickly and as definite as possible... you can imagine, my mind was still "writing" speculative arguments against him 30 minutes after I had sent the message, of course I did regret it a afterwards, knowing that I brought the much bigger guns to the "slaughter" that in fact wasn't even quarreling but...

I think that even matches to what we know about me, the thing about always having to appear superior, never accept weakness or to be weakened, neither by words nor by physical closeness. Barking dogs never bite... At least isn't my intention. That's why I bark potential enemies away...
I don't want to be a dog... xD But I'm so likely to be nothing but a stupid animal...

I don't enjoy confrontations either. I do not like going into that mode. (On my planet, we do not fight, we discuss things in a way that does not make others feel defensive) I have gotten better, much better and I now feel like I am fairly diplomatic. However, you were sharing something deep and somehow through someone else's misunderstanding, you were having to defend yourself against being thought of as a dangerous person. That's about as far out as it gets. I have things that I would find it hard to tell because, more than anything, if it was perceived incorrectly, it would be exactly as this situation. I think you're brave. I am amazed that you are able to be so vulnerable in contrast to your defensiveness, and that shows a lot of strength inside. I think you have good things happening in your mind, even if you are battling it out.

You're not close to being a dog. You're a self aware and honest person. ((( Hugs )))

Why are you on meds Awes? You can message me if you want. I am not on meds. They do not work for me and I have learned to handle my own mind. I used to have OCD and depression, but now I don't, not at all. Don't believe anyone who tells you that you can't heal your own mind.

I've a psychosis, in the last medical report it was called schizophrenia. I've been suffering from it since I've been about 13 years old, I didn't know what was wrong with me and nobody believed me when I said that I couldn't think clearly and had no energy, felt dead inside.
So suicide appeared to constantly become a better way to exit, I didn't want to live a life without success, a life where I can't win.
But when I one evening was alone at home and started to cry, in the 3rd year, I did have to call my mother and she drove me to the emergency room of the youth psychiatry. and after two weeks they gave me a place for a in-patient therapy. they gave me medicine, but this medicine made everything even worse, much worse. after 3 months I could finally establish to go home again, they said I should not continue living with my mother, and I had two diagnosises, the psychosis and the aspergers syndrome. i had no problem with the aspergers syndrome, I've lived with it my whole life through, lived good, was highly gifted and my social skills were fine, my problem was the psychosis. To be true the memories aren't that clear anymore. But I stopped taking the medicine on my own. I tried other meds but they also didn't work. And more and more I made the decision to exit. It was totally clear to me. I had finished with my life. A totally rational conclusion, nothing emotional. I decided it should be painless, the internet was a great help and I found some ways to synthesize ... however.
But while in my research about that my psychatrist gave me some antidepressivants. They ripped me out. I had energy again and though I was somehow high of it I could think better again, still totally psychotical but ... The funny thing is, that I never left the stage of having finished with my life.
I did only take them for one month, afterwards it was more or less ok for some months, when it came again heavily they gave me new medicine against the psychosis, the first one didn't work, the second one finally worked and I thought I would finally become myself again. But of course soon the medicine became weaker and when I wanted to double the dose I had this awful side effect that was a respiratory paralysis, a whole body paralysis where I couldn't even talk anymore because my tongue was paralyzed and much more it attacked my heart. Luckily, or not, I don't know how I should rate it, I called my mother (the first time for months) who lives somewhere else (I live alone now) and she instantly called the ambulance. The respiratory paralysis and heart problems have been lasting for 8 or 9 hours before I called my mother, I collapsed multiple times. And once I really felt dead. I saw it. I could smell it. while my whole body began to feel warm though it was paralysed. I stopped breathing. And there was this moment that felt like if it would have been lasting for many seconds, when there was two options, take a big breathe or fall asleep. And I really wasn't sure what to do in this moment. So I just took the breathe.
Since this moment I feel extremely intimate with death. And I feel some new kind of excitement that is focused on my heart. And often it get's that intense that the idea of stabbing something sharp into my heart excites me extremely.
but i still take the same medicine in the lower dose since without it I'm totally useless.
Really, I depend on this medicine.

Last edited by awes on 12 Jan 2012, 5:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

" sometimes it even grows to aggressions against them. "

How can you even begin to say I misread when this is the quote? It doesn't matter how old you were, you hit a girl. I thik you seem to be over reacting.

Please finally let me be! You are really evil.

You're just being an antagonist at this point.

This is terribly frightening. I don't think you should live alone at this time.

How old are you dear Awes and what medicine are you taking? Chances are good that if you're still a teen, this will mellow out quite a lot. I would like to explain concisely why I think this is so. ( I will try, I am getting tired as I haven't slept much)

Autistic people have supposedly 67% more neurons in their brain. Neurons require serotonin to properly function. When you start hormonal changes ( umm like at age 13 perhaps, the same age as when your problems started) the hormones start being secreted in mass quantities into your bloodstream. Sometimes the hormones have a similar structure to serotonin and they bind to the same receptors meant for the serotonin, much like a lock and a key. This interferes with the amount of receptors that are available to bind with the serotonin ( which you probably need more of anyway due to having more neurons to start with) At some point, your hormones will level out. You said that you felt weak. This supports my theory because serotonin also used to control muscles.

That sounds pretty useful. I'm 18 years old.
And much more, since from the beginning I did feel that the weakness came from my blood.
This stabbing something into my heart thing is only caused by my medicine, it would leave once I stop taking it. Don't be scared. It feels like some kind of cramp that I want to release again.

I don't know why I'm so open, somehow I rarely ever lie. but it all sounds much more dramatical than it is. At least it didn't feel that dramatical to me.

I'm certain it all will leave again on it's own. I'm not the kind of person who is meant to be the victim of something like that. And much more, since I know what it is and since I know that it won't be eternal I wouldn't even think of ending my life.
I will live as long as I can, ideally I will live forever.

And if your theory is right I'd soon be totally fine

I will you to be well. You are right, this will diminish in strength quite a lot. You will be well. Just knowing this takes some of the inner stress. I remembered depression as a dark chasm into which I unwittingly fell and was swallowed. I didn't know how I got there, nor how I could escape. It seemed like I would battle one "criisis" after another. I could "feel" the next mental anxiety coming before I could intellectualize it. Groping around in panic, It seemed as if I was doomed to live in that space for eternity, but gradually, the light came piercing through the cracks a little at a time until what was left of the darkness was the tiny piercing that had once been the beginning of light. And this, dear Awes, was 100% biochemical. It's ALL gone.

I am glad you are open. It's one reason I prefer AS to NT. NTs can lie and deceive and contrive theatrics. We communicate on a deeper level.

This gives me much confidence for the future. It certainly is nothing but my puberty mixed with autism.
I didn't take my medicine yesterday to finally be able to sleep again, and though I wasn't able to sleep one single hour and had to fight with my heart again the whole night through because there are also side effects if I stop taking it, I feel pretty normal now. Sleepy and dizzy but quite normal^^
It's interesting how different my conscience can be. Especially when I change my medicine my sensation is extremely variable.The same thing can appear to feel totally different at different moments.
My psychiatrist said this variation of my sensation is the same for everybody else too but in contrast to the others I see the difference if it changes.
I appear to be extremely, extremely sensitive. Probably that's a big benefit for art, communication and empathysing. But somehow I'm afraid of not knowing what's the real thing.

You should let you doctor know that you didn't take your meds. Also the drastic changes in your life when you do/don't take them. It does sound like our script is written for too much of the drug or possibly an interaction with other drugs also?

This is Project Pitchfork live in Taubertal. The "singer" is Peter Spilles. This is not the best version of this song at all, but, he is an artist and I respect his art and the message he was trying to send when he bravely made this video. The premise is a little off, but I don't want to ruin in for you by telling you what I mean.


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXNpEoSkRKQ[/youtube]