Gay girls and Asperger's

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I appreciate your post-it's not pointless! It's nice to know there are others who, well, are not having a thriving romantic life.
And hello! How are you? What are you studying at uni?

I am a lesbian Aspie too, so it seems like we are not so rare after all

In regards to dating, it's very hard to find a girlfriend for me, but when I do the relationships are long-term.

Guess it's about waiting for the right one to come along, someone who can handle an Aspie girl.

I'm a lesbian aspie, and i got lucky as my best friend as a lesbian. she is an NT though but she is very very understanding. also she is tasty like a Butler riding a giant salmon....................

+1!

Seeing this topic was like that M&M commercial where the M&Ms meet Santa Claus (They do exist). I am also a lesbian aspie. I don't date very much; that is to say at all. I find it difficult to meet girls who are out and strike up conversation with them. Cheers to (sort of) seeing you all though!

Hi, l'm a gay girl,
skins uk obsessed one thing that i've learnt is if someone tells you they slept with someone else or indicated that they might not like you in that, it may very be. I think asperger people think oh this person might mean other things to what there saying, but people who don't have aspergers sometimes mean what they say. But it doesn't hurt to ask her if she likes you. l would want to write more but g2g to bed.

Hi, I am.

Going on year 4 with my partner. She is extremely patient. I'd say the girlfriends I lost in the past were also because of my clingy expectations. I think the most difficult aspect of being Aspie and in love is flexibility... It took my honey bunny a while to realize that my temper tantrums weren't her fault, just disappointment over how my mind had already had expectations of how things would go. If you are in college more than likely the girl that is flirting with you is trying to make sense of her own sexuality. Maybe she told you about the previous nights encounter to try to find some type of reaction from you to see if you were interested. I'd say be patient and just continue to hang out with her without any expectations. If things get into a relationship status... prior to, I'd let her know about your aspie quirks.

I am a lesbian aspie, 34, and only came out this past Jan. I'm also a single mom and the father is not involved. It's freaky hard for me to even find a way to be in a position to meet a woman because I know so few people, and have so few friends, that finding a babysitter is damn near impossible, so I don't get out much. I was lucky enough to go be able to go to a gay/lesbian bar last 5hursday, but the only person there who wasn't with someone was the sweetest gay guy I've met in a long time. That meant I had a lot of fun, but no chance of meeting a woman. I actually wound up talking a lot with one woman, and didn't realize off the bat that her girlfriend thought I was hitting on her (woops, was just being friendly), but once I did I started focusing on talking to them both more, and then the jealousy went away and the three of us had a great conversation. I think I did better socially that night than usual because it was a karaoke night and I'm a well trained singer (used to teach), so people didn't mind my quirks as much.

Flirting is seriously hard, and recognizing that someone is flirting with me is nearly impossible. The last time I discovered a woman had been flirting with me, it was my dad who pointed it out lol. Thank god my dad is so cool, but still, to have to have your father point it out at 34 is seriously sad. He thought it was pretty funny, and considering she even winked at me and I still didn't catch on, it was pretty comical.

Hey, I know it's not continuing on from any of the existing conversation threads, but just wanted to say hi to you all. I can definitely sympathise with being an Aspie girl who likes girls.

I found it interesting that some of you guys, or people you know of can be clingy. I find this something that I have to really work at to not be! When I meet new people (girls in particular) I become fascinated and want to know all about them and understand and analyse them, and to hang out with them lots and talk to them lots. A lot of people find this kinda intense. People who already know me are used to it by now, but for new people I meet they can find it a bit too much, and especially romantic interests. I really scare them off by accident. My eagerness to get to know them and excitement about having met them can be overwhelming and scary. I have definitely had my fair share of girls who have seemed really keen and then run away and not wanted to speak to me again.

I wonder if others of you have had similar experiences with being too "intense" with people.

Lol so many questions! =p
It's quite strange that we are comforted by the fact that someone is similar to us, but so glad I'm not the only one like this!
It is kinda hard to tell if a girl likes you or is fooling around. But observe things like does she do things for you and initiate meeting up or making out or whatever. Also I have found that a lot of straight girls like to flirt for fun and don't mean it seriously, which can be confusing.
Basically I think of it like a rubber band re how to tell if a girl likes you or not - If you pull one side of a rubber band out, the other side wants to spring back to meet it, I usually am the one that makes all the moves, but in a relationship both people have to put in effort, if you perhaps back off a little, does she come running after and try to arrange a meetup or do nothing? If she starts making effort and initiating things then she is most likely keen (unless she just wants you as a friend) but if she does nothing then it will never work and you just have to let it go. I usually do that if I get girls numbers, I give them mine too and leave it up to them as to whether they want to call or not, and most of the time they don't, which lets me know that they're not interested. Of course if people are shy this changes things a bit, but even if a really shy girl thinks she is losing you she will make some attempt to get you back on board, even if it's over facebook or the like.

To sum up - the most reliable way of knowing if a girl likes you or not is how much effort she puts in and if she initiates things.
Also sometimes you just need to flat out ask people things, it may be a little Aspie but sometimes NT make things harder by not talking about how they feel or asking questions. But usually wait until you have observed the amount of effort she's putting in and have a hunch that she may be into you, otherwise people can get embarrassed and scared if you ask if they like you and they don't.

Making a move on a girl
If you don't know her you have to approach her and talk to her in a friendly way first, just as though you just want a chat.
People like talking about themselves and it makes them like you more, so ask her about herself - introduce yourself and ask her name, then ask her about her job or what she studies, or if you have a mutual friend ask how she met that mutual friend. Basically just keep a conversation going and find out information about her that will help you to understand her a bit and so you can find common interests or topics she likes to talk about. She will probably ask you some of these questions too, if she asks you questions back and keeps the conversation going this shows she is at least interested in knowing more about you. If you run out of conversation or after a while you can offer to buy her a drink (if you are at a bar) or ask if she would like a game of pool or basically something to do, because you have been talking a while and it's nice to have a change (and it can also be quite exhausting trying to be nice and polite and interested and thinking of conversation.) Also people feel more comfortable when they are doing something because breaks int he conversation are not awkward (people usually think it's awkward if there is silence) and also she will probably relax more.
After that it gets a bit harder because everyone is different and you want to been keen, but not come across as clingy or desperate (which most people find to be very scary traits in people) so perhaps you can excuse yourself and go and talk to someone else for a bit or do something away from her, see if she comes and finds you and wants to talk more or whatever. A bit later you can go and find her and see what she's doing and ask her "Hey, how's it going? Are you enjoying the party?" Or whatever.
All this kinda stuff and the rest of this time that you are there is very changeable and not as important as the first bit where you establish contact and the last bit.
The last bit is when you and/or her are leaving. Indicate that you are leaving and check that she is ok to get home (Everyone likes a gentleman and sadly chivalry is rather dead amongst younger guys, so we gotta bring it back!)
It should become quite obvious what the likelihood of you both bumping into each other is. If she is keen she may ask you for your number. If she really isn't she will just say "see you around" or something like that. Of course there are those in between too, but this gives you a basic idea. If she makes an attempt to keep in contact with you, it's a good sign. If it becomes obvious that you may never see each other again and she doesn't make an attempt to get your number or anything, you need to let it go.
You can ask her for her number as you are leaving if she hasn't asked for yours.
The person who asks for the number is the person who should call.
If it is her, wait patiently and if she doesn't then don't bother her.
If it is you, again you have to not be too keen, if it is a party at night or a bar, give it at least a day or two and then text her and ask how she is and how the resst of her night was or what she has been doing since you saw her. Just general "hey how's it going" sort of things. Then if she writes back and seems into it, you can ask if she wants to go for a coffee, or if she and you both share a hobby or interest you could invite her to do that instead. People find text less intimidating because it gives them time to think and if they don't want to talk to you they don't have to. It is important to start slowly and just enjoy having fun and chatting and doing casual things, don't get into dinner dates and staying the night too soon! Also staying the night and going to the movies has certain expectations attached - usually there will be some making out involved for movies and staying the night has the expectation of sex for some people. Staying the night is waaaay down the track. Also before when we talked about buying her a drink, usually this is a sign that you are interested in her, which she may get or completely not understand. But if a straight guys buys you a drink and is youngish he expects some sort of sexual favour or sex in return. (I was completely shocked when someone told me this and explained why many times I had got very dirty looks from guys who had bought me drinks and I just thought they were being nice.) Obviously with girls it is different and you should NEVER PRESSURE HER into doing things she doesn't want to do. A gentleman is kinda and chivalrous and is there to provide company and conversation, he/she does not expect sexual favours in return.

Also as a different note, a lot of people show affection by touch, I do it a lot, (and sometimes too much) but hugs and gentle touching her shoulder or hand or whatever as long as it is not too much, indicates that the person likes you, or that you like her, but go easy or people will get scared.

This post is getting really long and I have a lecture to go to.
This is a very broad and rough guide and is basically what I do when I meet a girl at a bar or party. It is my own style because I usually pick girls who are quite feminine and I usually take the more confident and dominant role. It is quite different for different sorts of people and different situations.
But the basic rules are - always be kinda and friendly, make her feel special and make her feel that you are interested in her life and what she does and her, and take things slow. These are good basic rules I feel. Also observe others. Most teenage or early 20s boys are a good example of how not to make a move on a girl. THe guys in the old movies who were true gentlemen are good examples of how to treat women - with respect, dignity and kindness.
Also watch lesbian movies, and straight movies that have romantic themes, you can watch how people interact and make moves and perhaps use them yourself, but always be wary that it is a movie and so may be a bit far from real life. But I have learnt a lot about dating and sex from wathicng other people and wathcing movies!

Let me know your thoughts. Sorry it's so long, but I hope it is useful!

Wow my above post is huge. Sorry guys!

But on another note, what do people think about labels for sexuality?
Do you think they are useful? Or do you think that everyone should just love whoever and not feel the need to categorise their attractions and sexual preference into boxes?

Thanks for that longass post, Flamencita!

So basically, I get very confused because many of my "straight" friends seem to be flirting with me- touching a lot, making sexual jokes, even sometimes tongue-kissing me. But then they always say they are straight. I don't get it! It is very frustrating!

The girl I like now is one of my friends. We are very close. She says she is straight but recently has been talking a lot about other women being beautiful and being very affectionate with me. She flirts too, though I know that's just for fun cuz I'm a big flirt too. However, when she flirts, she touches my thigh or holds my hand or hugs me a lot. We haven't done anything, but sometimes I feel like she wants to. She got upset when I told her I didn't wanna sleep with my friends! I don't wanna go there if it's just for experimental reasons cuz I have been there and done that She does all of the things you stated- always wants to talk and hang out with me and also initiates it. But I think she just needs a good friend. I don't know. She knows I'm gay, but she never tries to hook me up with other girls or ask me about them either.

Whenever we go out I tell her to email me in the morning to let me know she's okay. She always does. She thinks I'm very sweet, caring and understanding and I know she loves me as a friend. I am just confused about all of the other stuff. Help me understand!

Long, but told you a lot of stuff you probably already know and stuff you didn't need to know because obviously things are really different if you know the girl and have good social skills (which you seem to have).

I think a lot of straight girls flirt and touch a lot for fun and affection, but kissing with tongue is usually reserved for those who are more than friends...
I only have I think one friend whom I kiss with tongue (that lives in the same country as me) and we are good friends and had a kinda sexual relationship.
I think it's really nice to be able to kiss your friends, it's another way of showing and affection and quite frankly it's nice! Obviously some friends you don't feel that way about and they wouldn't cope with it anyway, but I don't have a line between friendship and dating/hooking up/going out, it's more a continuum much the same as sexuality and Autism is. Which sometimes causes me problems, but hey I like to be open about things.
But yeah for most people they have set lines and kissing with tongue means more than friends. Does the friend you are keen on kiss you with tongue?

I think for a lot of people the title of their sexuality is more anxiety provoking than the actual sexual acts. Many people don't want to give up their straight title but do like to dabble on the wild side. Essentially it doesn't matter (althought it's confusing for us) as long as they are open about what they want and are truthful and respectful as to their intentions.

Obviously straight women can appreciate beauty, but it is usually in a different way than girls who are more on the gay side. But think about it in yourself - there are some girls you find wildly attractive and would consider being sexual with, and others that you think are pretty or like their style, but that's it. It's kinda like the difference between actually straight girls and the not so straight ones.

Maybe she got upset when you said you didn't want to sleep with your friends because she thought you classified her as a friend and this means that you don't want to have sex with her. Women are really complicated!

I think experimental lesbianism is interesting, some people want to give it a go and I appreciate it, as long as they are doing it because they genuinely want to and are respectful of the other girl, especially if she is bi/lesbian etc. If people are respectful and just have fun, then there is no harm, you end up getting hurt when you feel used and unvalued.
A situation like this happened recently to me
I went to a party with a girl who was interested in my male housemate (because he wanted to stay home and play computer games) and basically she got really drunk and then when we were lying in bed watching a movie (perfectly platonic I can assure you) she kept on looking at me in that way people do when they want to kiss you, and then when I stopped the movie to sort it out we made out. I had no expectation of it happening but it did and I was enjoying it, and then she got all guilty and ran off to sleep with my housemate. It hurt. Although I knew she was into my housemate I presumed that if she was kissing me she wanted to and it was all fine, and apparently she did want to, but she didn't want to upset my housemate either. (They weren't going out, and he was kinda ignoring her, hence why I was keeping her company)

Now where was I =p Sorry I write so much, I just have lots of stuff in my head!

So back to your... friend? =p
Basically from what you say, I'd say you definitely should maybe try to make a move on her because she may just be shy or not willing to given she's "straight" or not know how, or just worried or whatever.
But you should be gentle about it so that if she just wants to be friends you don't ruin the friendship in the process of making it something more. Also, it is very very hard to go back to being "just friends" after you have been more, so be wary.
But basically it seems like this is something you need to sort out between you because you (and possibly her) are confused about whether to be friends or more.

There are a couple of ways you can do this. (From me just working out waht would be logical as I have never been in this situation before.)
One would be to kiss her (at an appropriate time and place etc) because actions sometimes say so much more than you can put into words. I am personally a physically communicating type of person (I think I made that up) and I know with a particular girl who I have had a sexual but platonic relationship with through our actions we understand how the other feels.
But for some things you need to talk. I know I have talked to her about a lot of stuff in the past, especially when we were having a kinda threesome with a guy who is a dear friend of us both (It just happened one night).

But yeah, talking openly and honestly is important, but it is sometimes less threatening for the other person (and you) if you start with something non verbal.
Maybe you can invite her to go do something with you alone and then maybe kiss her at some stage and then talk to her about it? I usually find people are more open and relaxed at night and in private somewhere warm and comforting.
You don't want to scare her, but you also want an insight into how she's feeling!
It's a lot more romantic to say kiss a girl and realise that way that she's into you rahter than having a big serious business like talk. But talking is sometimes needed, just don't overdo it.

Basically I don't really know because I don't know her at all and very little of you and I'm not there and have never been in that situation, but whatever I have suggested may give you some ideas and I reckon you'll know which way to choose, or do both.

Also, as a side note, I am pretty sure that this sort of theing is confusing for NT gay girls as well, I don't think it's necessarily an Aspie thing. But then again I'm speaking from my own experience and I am an Aspie as well, so f**k knows. =p

But if you feel convinced she likes you as more of a friend maybe kiss her? But if you are unsure maybe try having a little chat, make it casual and light (even though it doesn't feel like a casual light subject) and keep in mind that she may just want to be friends and is just a touchy feely person. I know a girl like that at uni - super friendly and touchy feely, big hugs and kisses on cheek and so forth and she is gay friendly but completely heterosexual. Your friend may be like this, or not. Who knows, but it's better to find out than stay confused and wondering!

I really hope it goes well and let me know how it goes! And also if you have any more questions. =)