older gay men unaware that they have Asperger's

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the meetups are at evergreen state college, in olympia, washington state. they are held at 1PM the first and third saturdays of each month [most of the time] and held in the staff lounge across from the cafeteria which is across from the student rec center, and opposite the clock tower/red square. THIS is the meetup.com link (clicky)

I'm 45, and was not diagnosed until I was in my late 30's.

My story is no less complex than anyone else's.

I self-identified as gay fairly early--at twelve--at there was never any doubt about my orientation. I might not have been pleased about it, but I certainly knew it for what it was and for its immutability. I went to an all-boys school--and academically gifted environment in which I was roundly bullied. I used to believe that it was my sexuality--though I wasn't out, everyone simply assumed. But with hindsight, it was the AS, not the sexuality that was the key. My classmates who were also gay did not experience the same treatment for our peers, even those whose sexuality was as or more apparent than mine.

I finished school and went to university at 15. Another error, perhaps, in hindsight--leaving me some 3 or 4 years younger that many of my peers there. But while there, I finally started to clue in on some of lessons that others had learned far earlier in childhood. I have never been overtly social, but since university I have managed to cultivate a small group of friends. All of my friends have come into my circle through my hobbies and pastimes--most often theatre.

Which is why I maintain that children's theatre saved my life. It taught me the basic skills of interacting with a scene partner. It taught me to understand gesture, facial expression and body language from the other side (I know that this character is fed up with my character--what is my fellow actor doing to show this?) It taught me to control my own instrument: vocal volume, tone and projection; movement, gesture and facial expression.

I am still impeded by AS, but the only person who see it in its truest manifestation is the man I have lived with for 21 years. When I am tired, frustrated or under stress, my coping mechanisms give way, and the old problematic behaviours manifest themselves again. But those who see me day to day see the character that I portray each day when I walk out the front door and onto the stage.

^^^
you are indeed a gifted and fortunate man, precocious in youth and very high-functioning as an adult. would that i could be likewise.

That's exactly the point I'm at now.



I think I do feel a little bit excused from my past behavior once I got the diagnosis. You may not agree, but everything kind of fell into place and I had a number of "aha!" moments about many social situations in my life that went sour. I always blamed myself back then, but now not so much. Also, it's interesting that there is no medication for Asperger's. I feel hopeful, though, because it's not as bad as full-blown autism where you really can't even take the initiative to learn how to make some changes. The behavioral changes may not get to the core problem, but nevertheless they make life easier. The things I've done so far (and all while not knowing it was Asperger's) have been CBT for making more eye contact, medication, and therapy.

Another thing I never thought about until I read your post ... I was bullied, too, but it very well good have been the AS, not being gay.



Rats ... my parents were conservative and overly religious, and I had to sit out while my classmates danced and did plays. I didn't understand that, and I think they did me a great disservice now by not letting me participate.



I could live with that! Although I do see how one can't maintain that level at all times, especially with a partner. When you come home at the end of the day, you want to just be yourself. Although, for me, I'm sick of it being myself by myself ...

It's never too late. If you have an active community centre or community theatre group in your area, they may well offer workshops or hobby courses for adults. And I can tell you that older men are like gold in theatre--I was never cast so often as when I stopped competing for romantic leads, and moved into the age cohort where I am competing for character parts and dramatic leads.

Singing lessons are great for learning vocal control, dance classes are great for developing physical control, and scene study or script reading workshops are great for learning the dynamics of scenes. And more importantly, they bring you into contact with people who are interested in the same things.



Well, you know what Atwood says: there's a cure for Asperger's, it's called closing the door. When I am home, I am not on stage, and I don't perform in front of the people around me in my home.

I'm 39 and I live in Brazil. And yes my conversations almost always fall flat as well . To make things worse I find most subjects of conversations within the gay community incredibly boring. I think this is the main reason I am becoming even more reclusive day by day.

I have learned to "social interact" a little. But it's really exhaustive, although I'm somewhat used to listening while paying attention to facial expressions, it's a total hassle if I try to speak and try to look into the eyes, and my responses seems to go a little overboard or are too shallow, I haven't figured out how to properly dose them, unless I am used to them.

I've had some relationships in the past, even before the diagnostic, including one that lasted 7 years but ended with complaints of "lack of attention" and interest. Another one lasted 3 years, that partner loved emotional games, and it seemed he was only satisfied when he got intense emotional responses, it was very hard for me and I could only allow them to come out as bursts or explosions, while I think he was good with it that wasn't the case for me so I decided to end it.

Nowadays I am avoiding relationships as my work is requiring a lot of social interaction, a lot of emotional and anxiety control, while not doing anything that I really like, and I simply don't have energy to keep doing the same when I arrive home.

hiya BRCub welcome to our cool club a lot of the currency of hip urban gay culture leaves me cold as well.