What does it feel like to question your gender identity?

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I'll just say I've never met a trans person that's truly secure in their identity that gives a flying f**k what other trans people do with their bodies or why they are trans, or that feels a need to constantly point out that they've had SRS and have gender dysphoria in an attempt to validate to other people that they are trans.

The recent attack on trans people is also due to the beginning of a general culture war, attack on American society, and a rise of fascism started by the far-right, and would still f*****g exist even without trans people you don't personally like. We're scapegoats and would still be scapegoats even if every trans person conformed to how you think they should think and behave. And whining about other trans people and how they live their lives actually does nothing but validate this BS, and prove that you care more about pleasing the majority than sticking up for your trans brothers and sisters.

And yes, constantly worrying about what transphobes think of you to the point you attemp to invalidate and restrict the freedom of other trans people is cowardice and bootlicking behaviour. Nothing will change my mind about that.

I'm in the process of going through gender therapy now. I believe
that I'm either Non-Binary or genderqueer. I'm a late to the Autism Community being that I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder on October 17, 2021. The diagnosis was complicated by me also being Legally Bind and this partly way it took me so long to get my diagnosis of ASD

It feels like being subjected to A Clockwork Orange brainwashing then stripped naked and laughed at in front of a live studio audience.
And anytime you complain you feel guilty because "people have it worse."
Do they?

As a non-binary, neutrois-fem AMAB and MtF, there wern't big questions on my gender, I'd known id preferred feminine clothing and have a fem body as well. It mostly started after a significant loss of weight and my AMAB body was already feminine in shape, probably explainable by weight related conditions. I'd also discovered I was born with an intersex condition, surgically repaired as a child, so my current MtF options for surgery are limited.

I'm transgender who was assigned female at birth but identify as male. To me gender dysphoria came in two categories: body dysphoria and social dysphoria. Body dysphoria is easy to understand. I simply did not like my body the way it was because something just felt off about it. I kept thinking about wanting to be flat-chested and being shocked in school when I realized girls at some point could no longer be shirtless, and I absolutely hated my periods and it was a massive source of dysphoria. Not only did I suffer from undiagnosed endometriotis which made my periods incredibly painful, but the bleeding itself reminded me of my gender in a way I think no other physical attribute could. I also felt extreme physical discomfort from cotton pads and because I bled so much, I also often ended up feeling like I had a wet and cold sponge stuck between my legs, which I reckon to many is similar to wearing wet and cold socks.

However, I also wanted to be seen as a man/boy and be treated as such by those around me. It wasn't enough to have the right body, but I also wanted to be treated as such. I really can't describe this feeling more than whenever I was addressed in a feminine-expecting or female manner, it just felt wrong. Even though I have no interest in talking about cars I still rather talk about cars than about how to take care of infant children because the latter suggests something about the female gender role and how you perform in society as a child-rearing and child-birthing object. The idea of being pregnant absolutely terrified me. All I knew was that I did not want to be or do any of those things. It wasn't me. And I want to make clear that I'm hardly super gender-conforming living as a man either. I copy a lot of my aesthetics from east Asia and I don't care about living up to the western stereotype of The Man™, i.e. muscular, big, emotionally cold, only cares about material success/being the breadwinner, how much laid he gets and so on and so forth. I'm definitely neither of those things. I struggle to immensely relate to your average cishet dude just as much as I did immensely struggle to relate to your average cishet dudette when I still lived as a girl/woman.

I tend to have an easier time becoming friends with women though.

for me it was gradually putting together and reflecting on little pieces that have existed most of my life:

-why i felt so uncomfortable and embarrassed towards my boobs, hips, and long hair, and fantasized about them being gone regularly
-why being referred to with neutral pronouns and words made me feel good and i thought about it for hours after people did it
-why i was so interested in trans issues and found them relatable, and looked up articles and videos about it a lot
-why the character i used to represent myself online as a teen was gender neutral and referring to them as a girl made me uncomfortable, but as a guy or neutrally did not
-why i envied and thought about my friends who were nonbinary or presented androgynously so much
-why i had trouble caring or keeping up with my appearance and hygiene even though i wanted to, especially after puberty
-why i never liked my first name or thought it suited me very much
-why i struggled a lot with disassociation and feeling like the person in the mirror is me
etc, etc

i could go on but i think you get the idea.

there are a lot of small things that on their own i might not have thought very much of, but as i thought about them collectively i realized i wasn't a girl, and i'm a lot happier being seen in an ambiguous way.

specifically im genderfluid, i know this because sometimes i feel pretty strongly like a boy or a girl, and also sometimes feel like both at the same time. this is not very often- usually a week or two a year. 98% of the time i present neutrally and want to be seen neutrally, so i just stick with that since its easier for everyone. i also know calling myself bigender or a trans guy would make me uncomfortable, neither of those are accurate to my experiences and goals with how i want to be seen.

sometimes i actually forget a little that im genderfluid and not just neutral all the time, because my presentation isn't as drastic as some people. as i said i don't shift a lot, and almost never feel like a girl or boy. when my gender shifts i get startled and doubt myself for a bit, and then im like "oh right, this has happened a bunch of times before and is normal for me"

I primarily define myself as nonbinary, but agender, agenderflux, demigirl, etc also works.

As does "cis genderless", which isn't a common term but one I sorta identify with.... it just means that I am mostly unbothered by people referring to me as a lady. I'd prefer to be acknowledged as gender neutral, but I don't expect that to happen anytime soon outside of the internet.

I think most people do have an internal sense of gender, but for cis people without dysphoria, they may never realize they "feel" their gender. Because their gender is affirmed every day, in every way. You won't notice things not aligning unless you are misaligned in some way, or do some very deep digging.

I am agender, but if I have to be gendered, I strongly prefer feminine over masculine. I will pee in your shoes if you call me by he/him.
I suppose that's the closest I feel to any semblance of gender dysphoria. Since my AGAB is female and my gender fluctuates a bit from (almost always) agender to (occasionally) feminine-aligned, I suppose I'm a little bit cis..... but mostly agender.

This is a really interesting perspective! It sounds like you identify more with being a man biologically than any specific gender label. You don't experience gender dysphoria and see gender as a social construct. While you're curious about those who question their gender, you don't feel that need yourself. The video you shared resonates with your experience of having a less defined internal sense of gender. It's great that you're exploring these ideas and open to understanding others' experiences!

Personally it's an experience like no other. Suddenly I start to examine things I do and what I don't. I start seeing what others perception of my gender is depending on my actions and choices in my everyday life, but it gets a bit overwhelming to analyze 90% of what I'm doing in public and trying to correct myself to give people the right idea about my identity with only non-verbal. In high school I'd get moments where I had trouble walking normally alone because it felt like so many eyes were on me. And now since I'll be starting HRT real soon I'm trying my best to learn everything about the gender I wasn't assigned at birth, like taking care of my hair, maybe do makeup and other things like that.