AS - Trans MTF

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I was reading this:

http://www.uofmhealth.org/medical-servi ... ender-faqs

And immediately a void opened up inside me, as I thought about how things still generally are in this country.

The void is back. I constantly feel the movement of my genitals as I lie down, which is uncomfortable. I had problems sleeping last night so took a sick day (which is allowed at work), but I still worry about letting my co-workers down and making them mad at me endangering my whole ability to get SRS covered through my employer. I am thinking about the indifference of society and how if I lose this job then I would be in troubled straits again.

Ugh. I feel dysphoric about my genitals.

I am feeling the void again. I am watching old tornado videos from 2011, and I think back to the time before I went full-time and the uncertainty involved, so far from SRS. Then I think that even now I may be far from SRS. Something can always go wrong and I can be blocked from SRS for years and years and years, a life of hell. The world is a massively unfriendly place and there is no quarter for the weak and helpless.

It is not SRS, but I know of a urologist that does bilateral orchiectomy, especially for trans woman, without letter requirements. He is a legit urologist with a lot of experience doing orchiectomy and it is not illegal for him to the procedure without letters, at least in his state I think. A pretty in depth waiver is involved but the end result is you won't have testicles anymore, which is half of the equation.

Though I do understand the fear of scrotal shrinkage from an orchiectomy becoming a problem for eventual SRS. Just throwing this out there in case you want some more info. I am planning to have him do my orchi in early February...his pricing is not bad either, I think around 3,000 for the whole thing, he does it outpatient with a local anesthetic. At the very least, an orchiectomy is far more effective than anti-androgens.

Sorry if this is the wrong suggestion to you, just trying to help. If your genital dysphoria is very bad, at least getting rid of PART of said genitals could help, I would think. PM me if you want to talk a bit. For reference I am 27 and got on all my hormones and sought counseling back in 2008, so I've been transitioned full time since about late 2008, I got my legal name change and they also legally changed my gender on my driver's license. My orchiectomy will be a big step for me and I'll be glad to get off the stupid spiro.

I have my own plans. Thank you, though.

Every time I see a denial of care for transgender services because of lack of money, I burn at the image, the movie of the pretend righteous denunciations of the trans person who sought help. What did you expect? That somebody else would pay for it for you? You idiot! You piece of s**t! There is this sense of what the denier sees as righteousness but what is actually folly, that that is the way things should simply be! There are the pretend progressives who will bay about cost (What about the children suffering from cancer?), but the argument will be especial, just for trans people (and maybe a token man with erectile dysfunction thrown in just to betray what they really think of transgender care). There is the trans woman, long post-op (and I actually have a specific person in mind as I type this), who will attempt to suppress attempts to discuss or resolve this issue, giving the same pretend righteous denunciations of the denier mentioned above. The hypocrisy angers me!

Ugh. I feel the pain of gender dysphoria over my genitals, but it's less specific today.

Ugh! I want some positive news so to relieve me of my sense of enmity!

I got my first letter from my psychiatrist. I expect to receive the letter from my clinical psychologist next week.

That is good, I hope you find success in following through those plans. I know from experience how easy things can fall apart, as it seems everything I've ever planned for has been altered or derailed in some way in my life.

I think people are always very quick to try to reinforce their lack of understanding of any given subject, which is why people tend to be so vicious towards trans folk, it is a completely foreign concept to the average person and it intimidates them. When anything acts counterintuitively to what people have been conditioned to believe, the end result is often rage and/or confusion. Not to compare us to astrophysics, but it is similar, it is very difficult to get "normal" people to take theoretical physics seriously, because many proposes theories by some of the world's leading physicists are very different compared to what people learned about space in like 5th grade (and often this is the final extent of astronomical knowledge for the average person, it seems, they can name the planets in the solar system and that's typically it, many barely know the different between a meteor, comet and asteroid, which is sad because I expect children to know these things, but most adults do not). Anyway, the point is, trying to get people to understand what it is like to be trans and have to struggle to make up for your earlier years and/or your 20s, which probably feel lost to most trans people because they had to live those years as the wrong gender, it is very much the same as trying to get someone to understand the various ideas behind M Theory, people who are scared of it will instantly criticize it, which is what happens to trans people.

I am sure I am preaching to the choir here, though. We all know what it's like.

From my studies on the mind and the human brain, It is my opinion that we all have both a female brain and a male brain. It's my understanding that the right hemisphere is the female dominate brain while the left is the male dominant side. Of course, society trains boys to utilize the male half, while they train girls to use the female half. Then there are some more less common neurologies that increase cross-hemisphere communication. Of course there are many other factors.

Really, I consider my brain to be both. There are some very masculine aspects of my mind that I enjoy a lot, like my off the charts spatial reasoning rooting in the left brain. But I also have a very good abstract and intuitional reasoning rooting in the right brain.

There are many factors in my decision not to go through with a transition.
First, is kinda superficial, but now that I am older, I just don't feel as "hot" anymore, lines on my face, bags under my eyes, 90% grey hair (at least I still have it )
Then there the fear of being treated just plain differently, not "bad" differently, just different. Sometimes the positive different scares me more. I have a very open and accepting family, and If I did change, I'm almost 100% certain my family would have no problems. Actually, I believe there is a genetic component to this. My dad is a cross dresser, he and I have even spoken of these issues. My mom was the one who sent me to therapy at 14 for this, and my sister her & I don't speak of this much, but I can tell she accepts me no matter what. She might have been a little annoyed at me when I was a kid and I "borrowed" some of her clothes without asking. But that's distant history, that just happened when I was fairly young and didn't have money to go get my own cute outfits.

The thing that really freaks me out about the idea of SRS and to some degree hormone therapy, is that I absolutely hate dealing with doctors. Pharmaceutical products are hard for me to trust. And any kind of surgical procedure I find terrifying. Even if it's a sterile surgical environment, I just don't like the idea of being cut into, for any reason. I absolutely dread the inevitable hip replacement I will need in 20-30 years (I have had troubles with my hip for decades, I know I'll need the replacement eventually)

Even having my wisdom teeth out in 97 kept me up a few nights with anxiety.

Aside from sporadic, brief conversations with family, this has been a very private thing for me. It's just kinda nice to have a spot there on this thread to talk to some others who can relate.

Maybe there's also some ASD sensory things here too. I have just been so envious of the things women are allowed to wear, the selection is so much nicer than the pathetic wardrobe men are given. The softness, the form fitting, the great range of colors & patterns. Some times, I'll see a really attractive woman, and honestly, I'm more in love with her outfit than her. I just fond this stuff so much more comfortable. Usually, how it gets framed in my mind, is I want to go wear my "happy" or "fun" clothes.

Think about this ...

http://www.sarabecker.com/t/Regrets.htm

That kinda made me feel a bit like crying.

The saddest part is that there is so little out there to help people cope with GD.

I was just watching a couple of slipknot videos.
There is a 2 part song "Vermillion"
For some reason these songs touch me in a way most others do not.
To, me, the sons represent "her" my other half, the hidden side.
It a vision into the parallel universe of my female side paining for my male side.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ppoo1EJ-Vrc[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfPiAz8iCcw[/youtube]

Just a picture of how it feels some days.
The girl depicted in the videos is my other half.

All I know is that on some level my spiritual side is working on a stage of development re-uniting the male and female.
This is a puzzle taking my spirit beyond the physical containers we label with proper names.

But it does hurt at times to have the Yin & Yang separated.

For me it's not about the aspects of the physical container. It's about the development of the non-gender spirit.
This issue goes far beyond the physical for me.

I know there are not a ton of Slipnot fans out there, but these 2 songs speak to me.

I feel really sh***y, like my current effort to get treatment will go nowhere. It causes me to think negatively about the whole transgender enterprise. The frustration causes me to want to become transphobic again and read radical feminist websites and nod in approval; it causes me to want to read Vault-Co again--hey, I see their latest post is titled, "Death Watch for the Kwa." Classic.