Do aspies *look* gay?

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Thanks, hyperlexian. I just followed your suggestion with this thread: "Perceptions of Butch Lesbians and Straight Men"

Maybe it's due to being oblivious to social gender expectations. Looking back, it seems to me that standard male behavior, especially with young guys, involves lots of bluster and bullsh*t. Macho posturing, "killer instinct" and such. I.e. most of the time the loud conflicts don't turn into violence because it's really all just for show. In a way, I think normal guys are somewhat oppressed by it (though of course being that way works a lot better in society than not being that way). (Guys seem to become more human to me when they have kids. It seems to nullify some of the a-holeness.)

I can't speak for women, but I get the impression that creating an aura of being always empathetic and nurturing, and never being pissed off and such is pretty much expected(?). And similarly the price of not doing that would to be to seem "less feminine."

(Personally, I seem to get along a lot better with with men & women who are a bit off the standard that way.)

I guess I have to chuckle a bit now, because a friend of mine once told me I seemed "motherly" when I was showing her my concern over a hard time she was having.

On the other hand, I've joined in on some of the posturing I've seen with a few guys I know who never seemed to outgrow it. It's like a sport. They do it for fun - even some of them who have kids. Yeah, I know some of them really do get angry, and they're blowing off steam. Some of them also have military experience, and I think that reinforced the behavior. Maybe it's the fact that I was able to participate without taking it too seriously that made me seem so much like "one of the guys" to them. What's interesting is that I think the result is that I seem more butch to those macho, posturing, hyper-masculine guys than to anyone else. They totally get why I like to build muscle and treat my fibromyalgia pain by pushing myself until it gets displaced with workout pain whenever my fatigue isn't so much in the way that I can't. It's my effort and attitude they care about, not the fact that fibromyalgia will always put limits on my physical ability.

Also, these guys like to keep socializing simple. Because I'm so often awkward, I've learned over time to hold back longer with people I meet face to face. I think that makes me relate to them in a way they like. It sure beats some of the agony I've had in dealing with other people in the past, and it's good training for mixing with people in general. All I have to do is drop the posturing part without falling into treating a social setting like an online forum, and I can get along much better with most people.

Practice saying less. It works. The more I succeed in that, the happier I usually am after a social encounter. I've been working on that a bit more lately, and I hope to make some more progress over time.

I kind of notice this too. I think it's kind of a homophobic reaction as people tend to lump "gay" and "odd" in the same category.

i think people have thought I was gay all my life.
pretty sure I am not.

different, sure. gay? I don't think so.

i can see why people might think it. I don't look like a masculine macho man.

I'm a gay uncle. My husband and I live with our "aspie" nephew.

We both think we have really good gaydar. One of the coolest things I've ever had to do was ask my nephew if he was gay. This was before we took us with him to an LGBT event where my husband (the local Episcopal priest) was the keynote speaker. I wanted to know if he wanted me to run interference for him (that is, carefully let guys know whether he was "available" or not). That's how I found out he was straight.

It's not often you get to have a conversation like this that is just factual! He had no apparent reaction to the question as weird, and most guys 19 years old would have a big reaction.

I wouldn't say he seems gay, but I wouldn't say he seems straight either. I often think of him as a Bird of Paradise standing on top of an old Volkswagon. Trying to pin down whether he is "effeminant" or not just doesn't seem to be a great use of anybody's time. Marveling about his behavior and just admitting that we don't get it helps us delight in his differences.

One thing a gay man has in common with someone with ASD is that we do know what it is like to be different. (Yes, I think aspies are probably perceived as way more different than gay people now.)

i care about my looks and purple is one of my favorite colors...sooo i have gotten many accusations regarding my sexuality. but its fun to prove girls wrong ;D

As a kid I frequently got called "fa***t" & "gay", but I suspect that was because I was so anti-social, sucked at sports & was often bullied. As a teenager when I figured out that I actually am gay, I was so quiet & withdrawn that nobody knew or cared.

Nowadays, straight people can never tell that I'm gay, though gay people can usually figure it out before too long. For what it's worth, I seem to attract more interest from girls than guys anyway. I think the reason for this is that AS is what comes through in my personality, rather than (stereotypical) "gayness". I may not come across as obviously gay, but to people in the know, I am very obviously Aspie.

I've constantly been mistaken for gay. People were partially right seeing that I'm somewhat bisexual, but it still bothered me. I think it's the less self-assured and less domineering body language of male aspies, as well as speech patterns that aren't read as masculine.

In school I was called this a lot which was very embarassing given that for a female it means you look like a dyke. I never wore makeup because I didn't know exactly how to and the clothes I wore were usually jeans and a plain t-shirt. Not that I consider myself a tom boy but trying to get ready for school and living on what little I had I couldn't really afford to look feminine enough I guess. I always wondered how girls were able to pull off looking "straight" or "feminine" even to this day....