How do you handle being so different?
09 Mar 2012, 7:28 pm
First, you need to be positive about yourself. The very fact you say you are not good looking shows you're down on yourself.
Second, you're going for the wrong guys. The superficial queens can be very picky and turn someone down for the flimsiest of reasons. If you're just out for meaningless sex, then fine. Otherwise, they're not worth it.
You've lost me on the red hair.
Looks are easy to change. That's down to three things - clothes, hair and face. The first two are easily fixed. The third is partly decoration and partly expression. I'm not surprised I hated to look at myself as a young teenager, given my penchant for a duffel coat, shell suits and the most enormous glasses you can imagine. I looked terrible. I also had a great dislike of electric shavers at the hairdressers, so I constantly had scissor cuts and my hair was unstyled and messy. By the time I went to University I'd started wearing sensible clothes and traded my glasses in for something more subtle and stylish. I looked much better for it. As for the face - try smiling, It's astonishingly effective.
"Personality" is vague and unhelpful. Your general outlook on life is something you can and should change. If you can build up your self-esteem to the point that you don't care what other people think of you, then you'll be doing well. It's not about personality. It's about confidence. No-one is going to be interested in a long term relationship without getting something out of it. Self-loathing and misery aren't strong sellers.
Let me explain-this person kept telling me that he had a problem with age difference between people-every time I wanted to express my feelings and got the courage to say something-the subject of age difference would come up and stop me in my tracks-well this person he got together with a person that had at least 70 more pounds than me and had red hair and was only 3 years younger than me-well his problem with age difference wasn't a problem at all-all because of a superficial reason-red hair-didn't know anything about this person and after 1 dinner on a first date-right into the sack. I do dress better than I used to and lost weight trying to improve myself-and this person who who basically didn't like me but sent me mixed signals says "oh maybe if you excersize and get into shape you will do better" and I asked him-"well did you tell this guy that" the guy with at least 70 more pounds on him than me-he says with a condescending tone "no I didn't". I thought we were progressing towards a deeper relationship and no I am not looking for quick meaningless sex-that is very disturbing as sex is a part of a relationship I would like to experience but its not the end all be all of a relationship-it is a part not the whole of a relationship.
_________________
No Pain.-No Pain!! !!
09 Mar 2012, 11:48 pm
I remind myself that I can't be anything other than who and what I am. On the surface that doesn't seem comforting; but for me, just facing the cold hard fact help keeps some of the "if only" thoughts at bay. As much as I wish I had more friends and connections, I also realize that even in LGBT oriented groups, I'm still the odd-man-out. So I pretty much avoid "the community".
I try to look for the things that I have in common with other people, mostly as a way to help keep perspective. Sure, I may be on the spectrum/have NLD, and also be trans, but I'm still human and share a lot in common with others- even if it's hard to connect and find my group or for others to acknowledge me as part of a group.
09 Mar 2012, 11:48 pm
I remind myself that I can't be anything other than who and what I am. On the surface that doesn't seem comforting; but for me, just facing the cold hard fact help keeps some of the "if only" thoughts at bay. As much as I wish I had more friends and connections, I also realize that even in LGBT oriented groups, I'm still the odd-man-out. So I pretty much avoid "the community".
I try to look for the things that I have in common with other people, mostly as a way to help keep perspective. Sure, I may be on the spectrum/have NLD, and also be trans, but I'm still human and share a lot in common with others- even if it's hard to connect and find my group or for others to acknowledge me as part of a group.
10 Mar 2012, 4:32 am
Forget him. He's a ****, a ******* and a complete ******. Substitute any rude words you like into those spaces! This guy is and has only ever been after a bit of fun. No serious relationship will come from this.
I've often found (particularly with gay men) that relationships usually start with meaningless sex. It's a lot easier to find out what a guy's real feelings are when his balls have been emptied. I wanted that relationship thing for a long time, and never got anywhere until I stopped looking for one. Enjoy some no frills sex. Sleep around a bit. Sure, you'll meet a lot of a***holes. You'll also meet some great guys. The relationships that work are the ones where you go in with no preconceptions and then realise one day that you've been together for months or even years.
richardbenson
Xfractor Card #351
Joined: 30 Oct 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,553
Location: Leave only a footprint behind
10 Mar 2012, 4:11 pm
before i found taoism, i let my experiances shape my attitude (wich usually sucked. now through inaction nothing is left undone.
so i'm just trying to listen to good music, and chase hotties. if i can get online it even makes it better
most old people i know arent worried with being diffrent, thier mostly concerned about being healthy and finachially secure. wich tells me thats what it means to be mature
anyways, i wouldnt worry about it. everything is meaningless
_________________
Winds of clarity. a universal understanding come and go, I've seen though the Darkness to understand the bounty of Light
Jean_Descole
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: 10 Mar 2012
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 52
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
11 Mar 2012, 6:16 pm
I haven't read all the posts here, but I'd figure I'd leave my two cents.
Now for me, I am an Aspie, and I am gayish. Gayish in the sense my sexuality is just weird and the only thing I can say confidentially is that I'm emotionally attracted to men and any discussion beyond that would be so chalk full of semantics and contingencies that nothing productive will come out of it. Still, I usually tell people I'm gay just to make conversations snappy without divulging into all the details. *ahem*
The trick I found when coming to terms with myself is to be grateful. Yeah, there were times where I was really frustrated with myself, thinking if I were straight or if i were NT X, Y, and Z wouldn't happen. Through a series of rather hilarious circumstances, I wound up in a Christian Fellowship of all things in college, and briefly went to church there. I eventually had to leave due to my sexuality (and mostly gave them the slip since confidence isn't exactly my cup of tea), but there were a few surprisingly good life lessons I've learned there. One of which was to be grateful, for everything.
The fact is, if I weren't gay, some things wouldn't have happened. There are some connections and people I've met due to my sexuality: perhaps because I was the only gay guy at my school of 50 or so odd individuals (mind you, I was not the LGBT person, but, strictly speaking, the only homosexual male). This ended up forging bonds and meeting people I would have otherwise not have met. Having to deal with some of my more, uhh, odd interests have taught me to open up and just be who the hell I am. And being an Aspie later only reinforced that. Sadly, I cannot recall some specific circumstances, but it's an exercise you should do. Just think of something, anything, no matter how small, and think of something it has done for you. I felt that once this becomes habitual--and oh boy is that challenging--it really becomes life-changing.
The other thing that helped was finding my niche. I found it to be difficult to meet people in college. Well, not so much meeting them as much as making long-lasting friendships with them, but details details. In turns out that the anime club had just the right about of geekiness I could identify with along with being generally accepting of people of other sexualities that comes with the American anime sub-culture. This generally helped boost my self-esteem more so than anything, as it makes me more comfortable with who I am.
Anyways, that's probably quite of bit of vague advice, but still, hopefully you can make something out of it and turn it around. If I can remember specifics, I will be more than happy to communicate them to you. Until then, stay strong and smile.
