hi, i came here looking for some understanding into this myself. i was diagnosed when i was young with adhd, but when i was in my late teens, or rather when i was around 20, after coming back home from years of running from unhealthy home relationships, my mother desided to get me on SSI. at the time i thought it was a good idea cause i would get free cash. i had no idea what i was getting into at the time. growing up i was a loaner, mostly because i never really learned healthy relationships with others. i was raised living with my grandparents and my mother always concerned with her bf, or away at school. before that as i got older and reunited with my birth father, i later found out the reason for living with my grandparents was that my mother at the time was addicted to drugs and pills, and i had gotten burned from a hot pot of water while my mother was knodded out on pills.my father had just gotten home from work to find me burning. i was rushed to the hospital, shortly after, my father took me to my aunt's house to get us away from my mother. they went to court, my father felt it best that i go live with my mom at my grandparents house. i found out allot that was never told to me, but i got over it. anyways, rewind before i found this stuff out. when i was in high school, her husband and her were always fighting, and she had gotten ill, but also she was always noding out, drooling and doing crazy stuff. back when he was just her bf, he was abusive twords me, not sexually, but physically, we later moved, then is when she got sick, and his abusive ways started again, but i was older. i have allot of anger and abandonment issues, although i have always had and do have a big heart for others, although as of late i have felt very withdrawn again as i do feel i am suffering gender dysphoria, something i felt i delt with in my teens, and at times my later years. well its basically gotten to a point where i have felt extreme depersonalization from, and ive been feeling like nothing matters. i feel dead inside, and the dysphoria is stronger than ever the past 2 years. at first i had no idea what was wrong, but then i remembered the feelings. anyways, all my mind can do is race about not feeling i am who i am, that in fact i am female, and one day i just blurted out that i am trans. well im wanting to look for a therapist that who deals with gender, but i have this fear that because ive been diagnosed with other mental problems that i will not be eligable to transition, and to me it took so much to even come out to others. i have done alot of study on it, and i know for sure this is something i would like to do as i have cross dressed before, and always had a fettish for womens cloathing. not sexual fetish, but i have tried them on and felt comfortable, but beyond that, its very hard to look at myself in the mirror and like what i see, or feel as though i am looking at me. ive never been a manly man although ive tried because i felt i was suppose to because its the way i was born and somewhat raised, but it never felt right. i always felt anxiety trying to be someone i wasn't, but i do like women, so i always felt i had to act like any other male although ive never felt like others. sure i did play a few sports growing up, and did love them. i even played hockey and did really well in goal, but when not doing that ide skateboard i think because it was something that both the boys and girls did where i grew up, after that i got into punk, wore tight pants and dyed my hair all kinds of colors. learned to sew, make cloaths and screen shirts and patches. learned to cook. although a male, i felt in ways it gave me an outlet to be different, more myself, but not fully. well i got older and found it was time to grow up, and stop with the games. i started working in kitchens and had gf, but even then, there was always this forced feeling to be and act manly. i had to look nice for the ladies, so i got into wearing "daper" cloathing. yeah i looked hansome and still do, but i always wished i coud wear what my gf's wore, and i always had to buy my gf's cloaths that i liked. i would even go shopping with them and tell them what i liked and didnt. i wasnt afraid to go shopping and i had fun, but i still felt dull inside. i felt so preasured all the time that i would go through bipolar episodes, and even 2 years ago after my last relationship, i had such an episode of bipolar, that i exploded, tried to kill myself. in this i learned about cbt, and buddhism. i made great strides in it, so much that i came to a point where i felt i didnt exist anymore, and felt i was floating in heaven, and everything became love and calm, but then i had the feeling of being pulled back into my body not knowing where or who i was, or what to do. well this is gradually adjusting itself over time, but in it, i have noticed the dysphoria coming back, and harder than ever. i feel now i have been struggeling with it as now spirituallity and religion means the world to me, but i feel ive at least gotten over the feeling that it would be, or is wrong to transition, but also right now i have the fear that because of everything from my past, the diagnosises ive been labeled as having, and because my mother herself works in the field of psychiatry, that i have so much lined against me from transitioning. my mother keeps trying to deteer me from it. she keeps trying to feed me meds and saying that what i am feeling, what i am going through is not gender dysphoria, but i know it is because i know how i feel, i know what my own thoughts are, and i know its not fed by others. ive even tried praying and meditating it away, but i cant. i have all these thoughts from religion, to society to family. what everyone tells me i should be, everything i should fear, so much that i think about killing myself. well ive been working on those feelings of not feeling godly, and anything like that, but still have fear how others are going to treat me, including some close friends and family, but my biggest fear right now is could and would they re evaluate and allow me to trasition? mind you, its been so bad that i feel depersonalized, and even struggle to work, cause i get tunnel vission. i feel like im not who others see, and i have trouble looking and showing myself to others, so when i do i feel exposed as a fake because right now i really do not feel myself, or who i should and was ment to be, which i view as woman. am i crazy? am i autistic like everyone in the medical field tells me i am? the anxiety is overwhealming, i try to stay calm, but i can't. i just want the dysphoria to come to an end. i want to be taken serious for once in my life. im tired of others telling me who i am or what i feel, or how i should feel. i realize to a degree i do need help getting on my feet, and off of ssi at the moment because it seems to be the only thing ive got right now, but ide like to move past it, but ide also like to just be me for once!
01 Oct 2012, 7:55 pm
