What is your sexual orientation or gender

Post Reply New Topic

I too had to take care of my elderly parents also until I became your age. so I sorta [after a young adult period spent alone] was left out of normal young adult development in a sociosexual sense.

He's a good guy though. A saint really, he's put up with a lot from me over the years.
And he is very open and accepting of alternative lifestyles. There's a lot of personal stuff about him, I'll keep to him.
We are looking for a new house, and plan on making it more of a "duplex" kind of housing arrangement.

I need a little bit more space if I want to move ahead with a mtf transition. My family knows, but I still go by my male identity. I'm kinda "half-out". I have kind of a feminine look, hair, skin, but my voice keeps me from moving ahead. It's deep. I still dress in the same old generic baggy jeans & button down shirt I have for 30 years. I only dress female in private. I'm still really nervous about going out. I have no friends to go out like that with. I don't even have situations I can practice a new voice.


I feel like I am straying off topic here.....

not really off-topic. you're still discussing gender. did you know there is laser voice feminization surgery available? the results sound very feminine to me.

Male, or was, always attracted to females, but the last couple relationships I had was just to much BS and drama, and now I am quite happy that I am finding in my older age my sex drive dropping like a rock as well as my interest in romance. when I was more hormone driven I was miserable lonely most of the time and when I was with someone I was miserable from all the drama.

can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em?

WOW!, that's pretty good!

That is encouraging. Lasers don't freak me out as much as scalpels.
Especially in the neck area. Just something medieval about scalpels.
That's one of the things I'm trying to 'get over' my fear of surgery.
But it's really the anesthesia that I'm a little scare dof. I have had an assortment of psychedelic experiences in the past, good and bad, I look at the universe in a strange metaphysical way. The only time I have 'been under' was when I got my wisdom teeth out. When I came to, it was quite strange.

(more of a PPR thing) I have a personal scientific 'life quest' , as an aspie, that is the study of consciousness and the dynamics of time. Being 'put under' is a very complex situation for someone like me who studies the universe the way I do. That 'gap' is an unresolved puzzle in my mind, nags at me years later. It makes me hesitant to go in for any other surgery. Dental was enough for me. Maybe someone without such a substance experimentation and abuse history as mine would approach it a lot better, but having been "through the looking glass" things are never the same for someone. And I've stepped through a few different ones. I guess the 'Alice' in me got carried away.

And I think waaaaaay too much about the procedures ahead of time, something I can't stop. If I am going to have such things done to my body, I want to know every detail, uncomfortable or not, I just need to know.

maybe such an obsession on the details is common for trans?
I spend much of my time studying face structures, listening to voices, I think about the human body in a volumetric sense, not just the outside surface, but every tissue and the densities of parts. I look at people as a doctor would, I see people 'inside out', meaning I am very aware of the underlying structures. Anatomy is fascinating, I may not know all the names of parts, but I have a good map in my head of the human body.

So, I will have a lot of input for any cosmetic surgeon.
I'm even thinking of writing some software, maybe I can work out a deal with some doctor?
I'm an indie game dev, I can do that. I have some good ideas on how I can do it, the software part, making a deal with a doctor, I don't know. I don't know how to sell the software I write, that's the down side. But if I could, it could pay for surgery. I'm trying to work on stuff.

I guess I have become completely obsessed in this.
Stuck in 'tran-limbo' , I have nothing else to do but think.

heck, that title of this thread has been ringing in my head.
"what is your sexual orientation or gender"

We quote labels, but what is it all anyway?
Each letter in LGBT could mean 100 words.

I just like people who are nice.
And me? I'm just myself. My body is a vehicle piloted by a spirit, what is 'gender' anyway?
The world has been beating that question to death lately.

Probably because we are all obsessed with that area between our legs, whoever you are, whatever label you embrace.
Even when it stops working.

Us humans are weird like that.
Pervy monkeys.

Even the "pure", path of celibacy is still yin-yang driven by the polarity of that instinct, just away.

What flavor in the bag of Skittles do you like?

I like Purple

i like a good sharp cheddar. on the subject of altering voice pitch, i'd like to go in the opposite direction and become a contrabass [basso produndo] so i could be a radio/tv announcer.

You'd love my voice, I'd gladly give it over to you if I could.

It's funny, I can look totally feminine. I look great in a one-piece or bikini.
My jeans are size zero, Women of all sorts stop me and compliment my hair.
I can totally 'pass', so long as I keep my mouth shut.

BUT......as soon as I speak, I sound like a Goa'uld.

I suppose it could make for a really good halloween or cosplay outfit.
Be a sexy Goa'uld goddess.

you are fortunate to still be in youthful physical condition. did you ever work as a broadcast announcer? I had not heard of the Goa'uld before, I couldn't find any samples of what they sounded like. but if you ever listen to the radio program "coast to coast" there is an announcer [for the promos] with an amazingly deep and articulate contrabass that i'd like to sound like.

They are the "bad guys" from Stargate SG-1 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goa%27uld
They represent ancient deities in the story.

The symbiont in them reduces their voice by a couple octaves.

This is Hathor, a Goa'uld queen.

so are you saying you sound like her?

I'm lucky, I still have the same body I had in high school.
But that's at a price, I have digestive issues, so I am not a huge fan of eating.
And my hair is not falling out, just all grey.

My body also is not youthful in how it moves, my back is in horrible shape, I have carpal, and recent kidney stones.
I also smoke 3 packs a day and have no lung capacity.

Looks can be deceiving. Pushing 50 is pushing 50, I just clean up well.

I do have a few wrinkles on my face.
And my skin has always been highly susceptible to all kinds of rashes, infections and irritations.
I have to get my body hair lasered off, shaving it is causing a lot of problems with ingrowns that get infected.


And I have NO CLUE how to use makeup. I have nobody to teach me.
Anyway with the amount needed to cover my 5 o'clock shadow... way too "tammy faye".

So, I stay male as my public persona.
Maybe some day I'll meet some local trans and I can really 'come out'.

Right now, stuck in this place I'm living (moving soon), I have no social life, it's difficult to even get out and find one due to the location and layout of my area, and my non driving status (that's a whole other tangent).

But aren't those social problems a struggle most autistics share?

And no, never did any broadcast stuff, been suggested to me many times, but I am too insecure to be any kind of a performer, even on the radio behind a mic. Especially the radio, I am extremely opinionated and mouthy, a really bad fit, I would just eat both my feet and anger a lot of people. I would never even call a call-in radio show, I hate leaving messages on machines that I may later hear myself. I am freaked out by recordings of my own voice.

Thing is, I am displeased by my "male" attributes. My shoulders, my voice, my body hair I have to keep fighting off.
Constant reminders of the gender I do not want to be.
I listen to female characters in TV shows, and imagine what it would feel like to have a nice, soft feminine voice coming out of me. This deep voice vibrates my whole neck. When I do alter it consciously to be higher, it feel a lot less rough. I like that.

I also think the tone that one's mouth is capable of influence the things we say.
A rough voice will lead to more commanding words.
A soft voice will choose words more persuasive.

This also influences face muscles. Our expressions reflect what we are saying, and the emotions behind them.
The brow, lips. Over time the attitudes you have and the words you choose will slowly shape your face. Our grandmothers were right, "your face will stay that way."

I have been grumpy and miserable for years, It shows on my face.
But it's amazing how dynamic the human face really is, a new attitude can look like night and day.
Think about it, watch people, study their faces like an artist would.

We humans ARE shapeshifters!
Just as a species, we are still very early in learning how to use our gifts.

almost.

(I suppose insecurity about one's voice is common among trans)

Maybe if I had more of a social life and had some social feedback, i could feel better about it.

I wish the dickens I could shape-shift. oh well, mebbe in the next life. if you PM WP user "olive oil mom" she may teach you all you need to know about makeup, she is an expert.

Real world "shape shifting" is not quite like science fiction.

Our appearance will slowly morph over years, but only a little.
I believe evolution is working on our species becoming much better at that ability over millions of years.
But now I really am off topic.

Look up the "mimic octopus" if you want to see an actual shape shifter.



But hey, who knows what kind of crazy stuff science will come up with in the next 100 years.

I've been struggling with these exact questions lately. AMAB and IRL I call myself homoflexible (mostly into manly men both sexually and romantically with some fleeting attraction to women, usually of the masculine or androgynous variety), but that's assuming a male identity which never felt quite "right". Even when forced to present as strictly male, it's not something I'm comfortable with and I'd much prefer something more feminine or ambiguous. Agender or even MTF would certainly be a better fit.

So, andro-leaning bisexual fem-leaning genderfluid I suppose? At any rate, very, very, thoroughly queer. That, I am comfortable with.