My mum won't accept who I am

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This is a really big thing and I wasn't exactly sure in which forum it fits, but since it has pretty much to do with the fact that I'm in a lesbian relationship I guess this forum is the best. Ever since I was little me and my mother have had a tough relationship. It's like she can't understand that I'm an adult now and can make my own decisions. She critisizes the choices I make and tries to make me do as she wants me to.This probably started because as a child I needed loads of extra attention because of my MBD (minimal brain dysfunction, popular diagnosis in the 1980's in Scandinavia but not used anymore) and my physical disability. Because of this, I´started to become independent very late, when I was about 23-24 and am still not fully independent financially at 31. The life "choice" that's the hardest for my mother to accept is falling in love with another aspie woman. I put choice in quotation marks because, even if my mother seems to think so, falling in love with my best friend is not something I could have chosen not to do. I feel that love is a very beautiful and precious thing, and when it comes to you, there's nothing else to do than accept it. That, or live in the closet, pretending to be straight, which I'd never do. It hurts me that my mother won't accept that I'm happy and in love just because the person who gives me so much hope and happiness is another woman. I try to see things from her point of view but it still hurts. My mother has lived her life through me and my sister and having a physically disabled, neurologically different lesbian daughter with mental health problems probably wasn't exactly what she hoped for. In a strange way, I almost feel guilty for not being abled to be the daughter that she needed to boost her own self-confidence. I know how f*cked up this sounds, but right now I actually feel like that. In my asperger group, I have learned to hold my head up high and be proud of who I am, but after a few days with my mum all that self-confidence seems to dissapear. My mum nags about everything; the way I dress, my weigh etc but it hurts the most when she critisizes my lover. I really need some input to what I can do to being abled to be on terms with my mother without having to sacrifice my happiness...

One of the great challenges we all have, whether gay or straight, NT or otherwise is our relationship with our parents.

You choose your spouse or partner. You choose your friends. You can sever those relationships that don't support you. You can't change your kinship relationship to your siblings, but you can decide how close or distant those relationships will be. But your relationship with the person or people who raised you is a different matter, altogether. We put up with behaviour from our parents that we would never tolerate from others. (And while we're on the subject, parents put up with a lot from children, too).

Only you know your realtionship with your mother--only you can decide how to approach improving it. There are many different strategies:

-Talking about things is usually the preferred option. It's not clear whether you have told her how her behaviour makes you feel, but it's also not clear whether she would be attentive to what you say.
-Your lover is an ally for you. I am not sure whether her Aspie traits will allow for her to help draw boundaries for your mother, but if you start to involve her in your family that may serve to normalize the relationship. If your mother objects, stand your ground, "Where I go, she comes with me!" is a powerful statement.
-Some parents respond well to reinforcement. For example, every time your mother criticizes your lover tell her that you won't tolerate that and walk out of the room (or better yet, the house). Soon enough she may learn to hold her tongue.

Above all, back up your words with actions. Parents are used to their children speaking back--they've been putting up with that behaviour for decades. But when speech is reinforced with actions, it reinforces that you are serious about the message. If she wants a relationship with her daughter, she is going to have to have a relationship with her daughter-in-law.