There is no easy answer; as always, the reality of your situation depends on your individual circumstances.
Speaking generally (and possibly totally irrelevant to your particular situation):
1. People who knew you well in your personal life before will rarely see you as a "true man." A staunch few will throw that in your face, and will go so far as to gleefully refuse to refer to you by your male name and with male pronouns at every opportunity; most others will be respectful, but in the deepest and most primal inner reaches of most people's minds reclassifying someone as the other gender is an extremely difficult and unnatural thing to do. Over time, more and more people will come to realise that you are what you present yourself to be, but the eventual number is likely still to be a minority, and the adaptation time for most who do is measured in years.
2. People you meet in non-dating situations after transition who subsequently learn of your colourful past will usually take the news as a curiosity but not too much more. There will always be those who use religion as a licence to hate. People who find out before you knew them for long, or who have suspected before you told them, are more likely to see you as less than genuine, at least at first.
3. Dating is the hardest aspect. The principle of inevitable discovery applies in long-term relationships, and peoples' reactions on learning the news can range from indifference to murderous fury. You will always be taking a risk.
While there can never be a single "right answer", one can suggest general guidelines and best practices:
1. If you intend to transition, do it right. In particular, get your paperwork in order. Having a national ID card (such as a US Social Security card), driver's licence and passport with your correct name and gender will prevent many problems.
2. In work, business or professional positions, don't tell. Unless you clearly don't "pass", odds are they won't ask, either. Being post-transition is simply a fact of your medical history. Since it does not affect your ability to do your job, don't mention it. If your job application requires you to list employment under other names, then do so; no highlights or explanations, just the facts. On the job, be good at what you do and demonstrate all of the habits and ethics that any employer expects. Employers tend to be more apprehensive at the idea of a transperson than the actual reality of one. If you apply and are accepted as a man, with your history undisclosed (but not deliberately concealed), and you do your job well, an employer is very unlikely to dismiss you or take any other adverse action upon later discovery, because you have already demonstrated that your employment is working out and they would subject themselves to legal action (regardless of whether there are explicit legally protected classes.) This is different from the cases of new hires and on-the-job transitions, where the employer has to prepare for the fact that there might be issues with your job performance or with interpersonal dynamics. Employers tend to be highly risk averse. If you transition on the job, work with your employer to understand their perspective and work with them on managing what they will see as risks.
3. If done correctly, stealth is generally a good thing if you want to be seen, judged, and treated as an ordinary man, without seeking or even needing special accomodations. However, stealth will likely require a separation of your previous life and relationships from your new one. A geographical separation is usually helpful, as it avoids mixing people from your past with people from your stealth new existence. Most TS people WANT to go stealth precisely because they want to live, interact and be seen simply as men or women, nothing more.
4. Even if you go stealth, some people will inevitably find out. If they do, and talk to you about it, then so be it. Don't act ashamed or defensive - just be yourself and downplay the significance of their "discovery." Treat it as though they were talking about your having laser eye surgery or a club foot - a not-that-uncommon medical curiosity but no big deal.
5. If you choose to be "out", be aware that people WILL look at you as a transperson first, and whatever profession you want to be second. They will do so because by being open they will perceive - and probably at least in part correctly - that you are ASKING to be defined by being a transman. Ask yourself why you want to be "out". Are you unwilling to let go of most of your past life, which is a de facto requirement for going stealth? If this is the case, you face a difficult choice. You can either elect to give up much of your previous life for the opportunity to make your way as yourself, just another man, on your own merits, or you can choose to hold on to your old life and fight your way as "out and proud." Despite what activists and others may tell you, this is ENTIRELY a personal choice. Just be aware that both options have huge consequences, and it will be exceedingly difficult to switch choices over time.
6. If you are not able to be perceived without question as a man, then you have a different choice - either be "out", with all of the consequences, or stay as you are. I feel compelled to point out that if the medical and administrative aspects of guideling #1 are handled correctly, it is quite rare for a young FTM to fall into this category.
7. [maybe this should be #1] This entire discussion is predicated on the premise that you NEED to transition (to avoid putting a .44 slug in your brain.) If you are unsure, then you would be wise to wait.
10 Dec 2011, 3:17 am
