Gender Dysphoria

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I've been questioning my gender since I was about 15-16. It was about then that I really discovered the meaning of transgender. I can recall memories of cross-dressing, tucking my genitals and questioning why I was born a boy and not a girl from a young age, but I kind of just always attributed them to my autism. I remember having interests in some feminine things at a young age but I had mostly masculine interests cars, trains, etc. I've tried to dismiss my thoughts as some kind of strange obsession, but they seem to come back.

I'm now 20 and these thoughts have come back more severe than ever. Every waking moment of the day these thoughts now occupy my mind, thoughts of disgust and fear of my own body. I am too scared to leave the house during daylight or do anything and I have dropped out of Uni. I have thought about ending my life rather than feeling this shame. I know I should see someone but I am just too afraid, I tried to talk to my psychologist and I just went mute. I have too much self doubt that this is just some screwed up aspie obsession. But it feels like it is killing me.

It took me a long time to come to terms with myself over my gender identity issues. The whole thing about my thoughts being strange or weird has been stressful and it took me a while. There are things I like that depending on the circle of friends I'm with, it's just not acceptable to have or show. And it's taken me a while to recognize that I dislike others pushing their stereotypes on me. It's also frustrating to hear people tell me to not give heed to other peoples opinions of how I should be. I don't, but my aspergers produces excessive stress when I get nickled and dimed with other peoples input. It's not what they say, but the fact that they are saying something that stresses me out and even hurts on a mental level.



I had these same thoughts. I did attempt suicide when I was 14 because of my GID, and AS, but luckily I failed. I finally I realized something when I was around 25, and that was that I only have one body and even though I had this issue with GID, I couldn't just go and screw it up because there were other things I wanted to do with my life regardless of the GID. I had gaps when I dealt with my GID. I would for a few years have it pretty strong and it would ebb, and not be an issue, and then come back up in strength. This isn't the case with all the Trans-people I know, but it is with some.

If you can, find a mental health professional that specializes in gender. They are out there and can help. It was my counselor who specializes in gender issues that diagnosed me with AS. Find someone(Friends and Family) who can support you even if they don't fully understand it themselves. Even having one friend, or person you can talk with can keep you going when you feel like giving up. Posting on WP in the LGBT forum is a good start. Don't be afraid to vent or ask questions. And please be patient. Not everything will happen immediately. It's now been 19 years since I began to realize what my issues were and I'm still not done with them.

Please don't give in to shame or despair.

Remember, no matter how you feel about yourself, you have to come to terms with yourself. Once you have a better understanding of yourself, you'll be better able to decide what you want to do for yourself. Just allow yourself some time to learn about yourself, and what your feelings mean to you.

Basically the more you know, the more empowered you are, or If you know yourself and know your enemy, you cannot be defeated in even a hundred battles, or something like that.

Yes, I know this all too well. I'm currently living full time as female.

[quote] I can recall memories of cross-dressing, tucking my genitals and questioning why I was born a boy and not a girl from a young age, but I kind of just always attributed them to my autism. I remember having interests in some feminine things at a young age but I had mostly masculine interests cars, trains, etc. I've tried to dismiss my thoughts as some kind of strange obsession, but they seem to come back. [/quote]

I am 20 years old and experiencing the same exact thing! I've realized though that thinking of it as a strange obsession will not take you anywhere. I think that being aspie/autistic can be a setback in the sense that our minds and what they do are easily pathologized but that shouldn't have to be the case. This only makes us doubt ourselves... I'd like to talk to you more about this.

Around 15 is when I decided to look into transitioning to female. Full gender dysphoria began to hit me around 20 as well, making me extremely depressed.

The big thing to notice is that our Asperger's obsessions will come and go, while our gender dysphoria sticks around. I--and my parents--thought I was obsessed about transsexualism, with my parents saying that it was leading to me "jumping to conclusions" about feeling female inside. But during this time, I had other normal Asperger's obsessions. I think that sometimes I *was* obsessed with transgender topics, but it was different from the gender dysphoria and was temporary like the other obsessions.

I questioned things up until I got suicidal. I tried hormones at that point, and after a month on hormones I knew that it felt right. Even if you're wrong, one month on estrogen is not going to make meaningful amounts of permanent changes, so you can just stop if you want. (The inverse for female-to-male transsexuals taking testosterone is not true.)

*hugs*