NT woman with male Aspie lover who wants to crossdress

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I am an NT woman with a male Aspie lover who wants to explore crossdressing and bisexuality. I don't want to be a jealous witch and say NO (he is not a jealous person). I love him so I don't want to hold him back from exploring. We have been on and off for 2.5 years but he's never had sex with anyone else but me...yet. He masterbates to anthro-art and porno of men and he admits his interest in bodies of both genders. I know he is not ready now for a three-some with another bi-man or trying to meet anyone on his own. I'm definitely his only comfortable ("the known entity") and safe place for romance and he's really affectionate and sexual with me when we are together. For him, sex and love are separate. Even though he has been fully monogamous with me, the transition is coming and he is very ready to try wearing women's clothing. Advice? Thanks.

Last edited by LoveHim on 17 Oct 2012, 1:03 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Most Aspie men and women don't adhere to typical gender roles. Aspergirls are not lesbians anymore than NT girls, but they are much more often tomboys. Asperguys aren't gay at a higher rate, but they enjoy activites that are usually associated with women, like shopping for clothes, crotcheting, or even painting their nails and so on.

It seems, in case, that he is interested in exploring bisexuality and he should be given space to do that. If you cannot tolerate it then you may have to resign yourselves to being friends.

If he wants to explore cross-dressing and you are okay with his sharing that with you as an activity, then encourage him to go for it.

Hmm, a crossdressing bisexual furry with asperger's... yeah from what I've seen all of those seem to be a package deal. I'm exactly the same way to a T, and I know a few others.

He'll probably find it very difficult to stay in a committed relationship with the first and only person he's ever had sex with. I'd imagine he will want to try many more things before settling down. I am skeptical that he could do that with his first. At the same time, it's quite likely he'll get sick of playing the field relatively quickly, if he does. Every time you break up a relationship and start a new one with AS, it's like climbing Mt Everest.

A friend of mine was in exactly the same situation for many years. Her husband even went through the operations, and yet she still stuck with him throughout not only that, but also the physical illnesses that eventually did him in [completely unrelated to the surgeries]. They were together for life, for better or worse, and I was more impressed by my friend's bravery in really not caring what people thought about their situation than anything else. So I think it is possible, because I've seen it.

Does he wear your clothes or clothes that are about the same size? If so, you will have a more fashionable closet but it could get expensive. Cross dressers shop at only the best stores, no Wal Mart of JCPenney for them!

What a silly misconception.

Please use appropriate pronouns when referring to transpeople. Also surgery isn't something you just "get" so stop spreading this misconception. Also this isn't as relevant to the situation in the OP as you might think, crossdressing and being trans are completely different things.

I agree with the pronoun corrections. Still irks me to see people doing that.

As for being completely different things, I think there is some overlap. Transsexuality and transvestitism and bisexuality are all related, from what I've seen. There seems to be a spectrum of gender identity and sexual orientation. Generally, bisexuals in my experience are more likely to have some amount of dysphoria, and are more likely to consider themselves genderqueer or to say they have a transvestic fetish of some kind. Depending how strong the dysphoria is, some can live their lives as cis, and others have to transition to be comfortable with their relationships and their self-image.

I wondered if I was trans for many years, but the envy that racked my brain as a teenager slowly subsided for the past few years. The grass doesn't look as green on the other side as it used to.

All of that said, I don't think the OP has to concern herself about her boyfriend transitioning. Unless he's specifically expressed a desire to live full-time as a woman, he will probably settle into a life of crossdressing and dating both genders and be content to remain male.

Sorry I wasn't clear ... but not really THAT sorry. The only point I was trying to make is that whatever the situation is for the man/transgendered individual/etc., there are couples where the woman has stuck with her partner regardless of unusual the circumstances are. And the woman can remain happy.

I think that IS pertinent to the conversation, but since I don't know that much about the topic of transgender, I'll stop following this thread and keep my mouth shut.

Cross dressing and trans-sexuality are not the same thing.

To the OP: don't accept anything less from him than what you want in a relationship. Being bi is no excuse for not being monogamous. If you want monogamy, keep looking until you find someone who will be faithful.

yet some bisexuals and other queers do want to be in a non-monogamous relationship and this does not necessarily mean being unfaithful.

op: i say let(i don't mean this to imply ownership or control of his actions) him explore that side of him. as it is he is curious and if thats suppressed then i don't see how that could have a positive impact on his psyche or at least it wouldnt on mine. it'd be good if he had somebody supportive(i think you seem understanding or like you're trying to be) while he did sort out that part of himself and if you have any issue then it sould be an open discussion thing and stuff could be sorted out bit by bit and see if it works then. personally i think it'd be cool if i were to be around and help somebody who was exploring parts of their identity and watching them grow and be a part of it and know that was possible because they trusted me but thats just me. (was this even advice? if it was it was crap advice. it just sounds like my opinion.)

I just know from personal experience that when your partner is going through stuff it's easy to slip into the "be supportive" role while forgetting about your own needs. Nothing wrong with a non-monogamous relationship or open relationship, whatever you want to call it. But if the OP isn't into that, she might regret it later if she "settles" for something else. Both people need to be happy for a relationship to be healthy.

I have a questions or answers to that! If, I mean if why is it wrong for a male to wear a dress, skirt, blouse, wear nylons on shaving legs, to wear high heels. To have shoulder length hair. To wear pierce earings. Or to have single to double or triple pierces earlopes.



But a girls can wear slacks, low or flat heeled shoes. They can dress almost like a guy in public. They can have short pixie cut almost boyish. And still be alound to do it. Is it asperberg or not! I don't know. But you wonder why!



Why am I talking about it! Girls in my option have far to greater freedom of style of clothing, shoes, hoserity, etc, etc.


But the standards for males have been stick for several decades. They consideres that styles the 3-piece suits as normal. But if change color or basic style its a fad and it will never be catch on.



If you check the styles of men and women last hundred of years or so. Mens styles haven't change much. But women style of clothes have changes several times over. Why am I talk about styles.


Take to two people. One man and one woman. They dress dress in almost the same three-piece suit. We now find it no big thing! But if you dress them up! In dress both male and female! They both look passible. But they consisder the male in a dress a problem.



Why! You don't have a problem with a girl men wear! The problem I think were far to one sided! We given women equal right. But to give men to have to right wear the dress is wrong. And a hole lot would thing is a problem. But a girl wear pants not a problem!

People with Aspergers are Human we have different interests and have different turn ons. My Advice would be Patience and understanding but you also have the right to be happy in this relationship too so if you aren't happy then maybe it means breaking up is the way to go.

Experience from some frustrating relationships in the past

I promise you I am the strangest duck you will ever meet. I was born (for those that don't know) with PAIS (partial androgen insensitivity syndrome - also known as 46XY intersexed/DSD disorders of sexual developement) Anyway, my parents could of raised me as a girl if they wanted - but they chose a boy. I never felt 100% male or female - somewhere in the middle. So at age 35, i went on estrogen and transitioned to female. For 3 years I lived completely as a female, changed my gender to female and name in court. I was BEYOND passable as a female. I never got s**t from society/public for looking like a guy in drag. Never - even here in Texas. It was quite the opposite actually.


Point is, after three years of transitioning to female, I wasnt happy completely. I was always worried about what people thought of me, etc. So I transitioned back to male. Am I happy? Kinda. I've accepted the fact that I have Aspergers and it affects my brain by creating gender identity problems, let alone being intersexed and that screwing with my brain. I guess I fit in the sndrogynous/metrosexual type of guy these days. I have my ears pierced and always have two hoop earrings in each ear, my eyebrows waxed - but not feminine, I do my own facials, get manicures & pedicures and get the nails buffed to a shine. Like I said in another post, I used to wear toerings and anklets - but due to much peer pressure and being called a flamming queer, I stopped doing those two things - although I dearly miss my anklets and toerings. But that's OK, I make up for it being a shoe whore (male shoes/sandals, etc). I dress nice (most of the time), tan, etc.

These are stereo typically female things, but it's my life and I shouldn't have to care what people think.

Let the boyfriend experiment SAFELY with men using condoms. You DON'T want HIV. If you enter into a 'open' relationship, more power to you. My wife stayed with me all through my male2female transition and back to male. My wife and I used to swing. I've had my fair share of men and I enjoyed it. I would crossdress for them while being intimate. It gave me briefly that feeling of being a little female slut which I liked - hell, still do. With a female, I'm a top. With a man, I'm his bottom. Plain and simple. Maybe your boyfriend will find himself in the same boat as me.

____________

PS......

To the poster comparing trans to crossdressing, it's like comparing a mack truck to a volkswagon bug. They're both motor vehicles, but sure the hell aint the same damn thing. And BTW, use propper pronouns, etc. You are VERY tacky. If I was you in person, I'd have to bltch slap you for that.