Did you know...?

Post Reply New Topic

I see a lot of people on this part of the forums freaking out about discovering their sexualities, and I don't get it. In other words, I never came out of the closet because I didn't know I was supposed to be "in." I figured it would be an Aspie thing, but it looks like I'm wrong. Has anyone else felt this way, or is it just me?

lol... okay, lucky you.

I've been in the closet before when I was younger because I was raised with the belief that anything other than hetrosexuality was bad and wrong. It was shameful and a disgrace.

Maybe some of these people are dealing with the same thing - they were taught that it's wrong to be a lesbian, homosexual, bisexual or transexual and they're afraid how other's will react if they knew or found out. They're afraid of rejection from the people they love the most, their family and friends. They're trying to process the idea of what and who they are is "bad", "wrong" and "shameful" but yet it feels so "liberating", "natural" and "right" to them. Of course it isn't "bad" or "wrong" or "shameful" but when you're told something all of your life by your family, religion and society, it's amazing how after a while you start to believe it.

They have a lot of crap to process and work out and deal with in their head. Unfortunately we all don't have wonderful support systems to be there and tell us that we're good people, there is nothing bad, wrong or shameful with us and that they love and accept us for who and what we are. So I believe they are in their right to freak out.

I wouldn't say I freaked out when I was pondering my sexuality, but it was a bit of a shock. For some reason I had just grown up assuming I'd be straight, even though I had a gay uncle and knew that being gay was alright. The fact that I had some straight crushes certainly didn't help either. I never seemed to pay any attention to the fact that I did not find the female body arousing at all, whereas I've been attracted to the male body for as long as I can remember. Even when I'd fantasize about straight things I'd always seem to focus on the man. I'd sort of been rationalizing this stuff away, but after a couple of years of having no real attraction towards any girl in anything other than a platonic fashion (and that even before that a lot of it was platonic, and the rest was to the face rather than the body), while I couldn't help but notice how good looking certain guys were, I realized that maybe I was gay. It was kind of difficult to admit that to myself.

However, I never freaked out about it, because I have a very accepting family in that regard. But it did require changing the way I looked at a lot of stuff, so it wasn't an easy conclusion to come to. I imagine that it would be quite hard for people with bigotted parents. But the whole culture is also to blame. We are raised to assume that we are straight and that if not then we are attracted only to the same sex. But life isn't that simple, even for straight people. It makes things more difficult if, like me, you've felt some attraction to the opposite sex before. Or if someone is discovering that they are bisexual. Finally, there is the fact that being gay does make life more difficult, even in this day and age. There's the fact that you have a much smaller group of potential partners (on the bright side, there is also less competition), more prevalent STDs, little possibility of your own children (biologically speaking), discriminatory laws in many jurisdictions, lots of hate speech, lots of people who don't realize that they are perpetuating demeaning expressions, the fact that it is still not entirely acceptable to introduce someone as your partner.... The list goes on and on.

The only thing that freaks me out about LGBT people coming out is that they freak out when I don't freak out that they've come out.

(I hope that makes sense.)

You guys are freaking me out.

I used to freak out when other people didn't freak out when I came out, largely because coming out is a huge deal for the person who has been closeted. It has probably been the biggest, single source of stress and anxiety for that person during the period leading up to coming out.

So when the reaction from friends or family is, "Oh. That's fine. So what are we doing this weekend?" it feels like all of that anxiety is being dismissed as trivial.

From my perspective, the correct answer for a person who is perfectly fine with a friend's or family member's coming out is, "I know that this was really hard for you, and I am glad that you trusted me enough to tell me. So, what are we doing this weekend?"

I think there is too much anxiety associated with coming out. Then again, I know that sometimes this anxiety is justified, because a lot of us straights would freak to even be in the same neighborhood as one of the LGBT folk. But for me another person's sexuality is unimportant. The only exception being when a woman directs her sexuality at me. Even then, I don't care if she's bi, straight, or a lesbian looking for a semen donor, as long as I'm "getting some" with her.



Some of my gay friends were angry with me for reacting to their coming out as if it were a revelation of ethnicity.

("So you're Ukrainian ... that's nice ... what are we doing this weekend?")

I don't freak when people come out. They are what they are, and I don't see how freaking out over it would possibly improve the situation.

At the very least it's an anticlimax. When I came out to my Mom it was quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever done (which, considering how busy I was with advanced classes and extra-curricular activities during high school is saying something), and I didn't even feel any shame in myself or have to worry about her reacting badly. But her response was just "Oh. OK." Not to say it felt like being dismissed, but it prevented me from feeling the level of relief and release that I was hoping for.

Mind you, I wasn't freaking out when I told her, but it was pretty obvious (I think) that it was difficult for me to say. Something other than "Oh. Okay." would have been nice.

Wow! You guys had a much different experience from me. I never really had a concept of gender (mine or others'), and I never assumed I would be straight or gay. I always just noticed that girls were pretty and boys were ugly. That slowly morphed into sexuality when I went through puberty; I never really came out. Everyone just knew.

I think sometimes straight people don't show a strong reaction because they don't want to offend. They may need time to digest the info, even though they will not be upset in the end. But they don't want you to think they're upset while they're processing what you've told them, so they play it cool.

When I was very little, I thought all other girls felt the way I did but that it was considered too private to discuss and that growing up and marrying a man was simply what everyone did anyway. For this reason, for quite a while, I had no idea I was any different from the other girls. I went into the closet very intentionally in fifth grade, once I realized how wrong my assumption had been. I tried the balancing act of making every effort to change how I felt while at the same time showing no sign of prejudice against gays, because I came from a liberal family in which prejudice was generally frowned upon.

My sincere efforts lasted only a few months, if I recall correctly, but my pretense of being straight (even telling myself as much) lasted for several years. It was with great relief that I came out for good at the age of 15. There was some homophobia at my school, but it was a magnet school full of kids that might've seemed like misfits at other schools. I came out to myself, my family, and a few trusted friends then, and I came out publicly a year or two later. (It's been a while, so I can't remember exactly.) There were a couple of out, gay teachers at the time, as well as a few out or questioning students, and that helped.

I guess I'm used to being unusual and bucking the system in all sorts of ways. I think that school was very good for me.