Is it possible that I'm really just asexual and not gay?

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For awhile I've told people that I was gay, but frequently I've been wondering if maybe I'm just asexual? The reason I think this is because I have honestly never had the desire to be in a relationship or have sex with anyone in real life. I have sexual fantasies that involve men but that is all, the men I fantasize about if I met in real life I honestly would never try to touch them.

Even when people bring up relationships with me telling me things like "Oh you will make a wonderful husband some day", I shrug it off like "yeah, right" because for some reason I just don't want to be a husband or even a boyfriend. I think maybe partly it's because I'm so cynical about relationships because my Mom has had four husbands and lots of boyfriends, but even people who are cynical about relationships will still attempt to have sex with people. The idea of actually doing it rather than fantasizing about it just makes me feel uncomfortable.

I was always told it was just a phase I was going through when I was a teenager and that I would eventually grow out of it, but I'm in my early 20's now and I still don't have the desire to have sex or be in a relationship. All I want out of life are good friends and my closest family members.

So I guess what I'm asking is, what do you guys think of being completely asexual? Do you think it's very possible that I'm that way?

Have you looked at any asexual website resources? There's some with personal stories out there that might help you better understand yourself.

Asexualism comes in varying shades, from people who literally have no sex drive what so ever to people who only form sexual attractions after they're romantically attached to someone.

Here's a good starter resource: http://www.asexuality.org/home/

Your story sounds pretty similar to mine. I identify as gay and I know I'm attracted to women, but I've never wanted to date anybody. And I'd be the same if I met the girls I think about in real life. I mean, I do want to date because I feel like if I don't start now I'm going to end up a 40 year old virgin, but I've never really wanted to date a specific individual or even really felt attracted to one. Also, according to my math the divorce rate in my family is over 90%. I'm pretty cynical about relationships too.

I'd like a relationship one day. I don't want to grow up and be alone. But I'm not really sure realistically that I'd like being in a relationship with anyone.

I don't really think about it too much anymore, though. I identify as gay because it's the most useful label for me. Guys (mostly) stop hitting on me when I tell them, and if the opportunity ever came along with a girl I'd take it just for the experience. People don't really question why I'm not in a relationship when I tell them, which is another bonus. I basically just have a "wait and see" policy right now. I mean, unless you think you're going to get some kind of benefit from changing your label, why bother? Labels aren't ever perfect. They're just tools we use to get people off our backs. And to connect to others and feel less alone in the world. So go check out some websites, dude!

I actually thought I might be gay, but I was never attracted to anyone in the bars, or dating websites I went to. Ultimately I accepted I was asexual and once I did, I had this weight lifted off me. It's liberating accepting who you are.

Okay, so you like smoking and particularly the lighting up scene.

And hanyo, you like vampires and a good biting scene, which might play off dominance-submission? Or it might not, and either way is perfectly okay.

One of my big things is spanking. And for years and years, I would feel very guilty and would periodically try and condition myself to more 'normal' fantasies. I mean, I've been a member of Amnesty International for crying out loud (!) and am against different types of abuse. So, how can me being a good guy and constructive individual like the occasional Penthouse letter gem (my younger days) about spanking? Well, maybe precisely because it is out of character for me and a welcome relief from my over serious life, and a different way of saying all is right in the world and that connection with the universe.

So, GreySun369, maybe part of the appeal of smoking for you precisely is that it's out of character and a break from a serious life? Or, a life in which the present is so heavily mortgaged for the future, which I know I do. And you might find, say, a nice medical student who doesn't smoke and who's against it because it's really unhealthy, but who's a good sport, and into the occasional adventure and who's willing to sportively light up occasionally. And with his massive studies might appreciate the fact that you need a lot of alone time and likes the fact that you have very interesting topics to discuss, all without trying too hard.

Or, maybe something else entirely different that the two of you create together. And you may or may not be the kind of aspie who needs a lot of alone time, and again, either is perfectly fine.

And hanyo, you might be able to find a friend, then a date, then boyfriend/girlfriend, then lover, who's wiling to play all kinds of games, either as a lark and romp or seriously. And who might find your games fascinating.

Just the standard advice, take it medium step by medium step, feeling your way each step (for myself, the time to feel my way each step is more important than the time to think my way).

... I honestly don't think it could ever work out that way.

The truth is I honestly just don't want to ever have sex. There are times when I think I do just because everybody preassures me for being a virgin for this long, but after I get over the peer preassure I go back to realizing it's just not something I want to do. I also don't ever want an intimate relationship either because my views on love and marriage have been so messed up by generally everybody I know. It's not a choice I'm making like celibacy, it's just how I really feel deep down and nothing has ever changed it.

I saw the movie "Captain America" last night (okay, not great), and the relationship, I think it's called chivalry, all the main male character did was kiss his main romantic interest at the end.

And I think in the middle ages, a knight and his lady, that was idealized as perfection.

And from history, I'm thinking there's got to be several versions of this which are specifically gay.