Illusive Friendship

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Born 1951. I'm new here but have been bouncing around the internet ever since there was one. Just trying to connect with someone and enjoy meaningful conversation. I've always thought that there had to be someone out there just as weird as me.


Now I think that someone who is fun to be with doesn't happen by
accident but is a result of a sustained effort to grow closer. And that amount
of effort is just too much for me to put forth, with the dubious perceived
benefits of a friendship.

I have to admit. I'm uncomfortable around everyone except my immediate family
. FOr me a close friend would be someone who is a lot of fun to spend time with. Is there really such a thing as a close friend, or are all of
these 'friends' just talking about their sports teams or something? Don't need
that waste of time. Not sure what a real friend consists of really. Maybe
there ain't such a thing. Maybe I'm imagining something that really doesn't exist.

Last edited by Max1951 on 22 Nov 2011, 8:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There's such a thing. They're rare though.
I was lucky enough to find a few, and lucky enough to find them while I was still in high school.
They sort of just grabbed me and glued me to their friend group, so I have no idea how to replicate the friend-making process, sorry
but friends do exist. And best friends do exist. Don't give up.

When I read your subject line, I didn't know whether you meant to write, "elusive," or "illusory." And in a way, both apply. Not only is frienship elusive, but you perceive the value as illusory.

I will stay, categorically, that there is a difference between friends and acquaintances, and there is tremendous value in friends. But friendships don't come ready-built. The payback from friendship comes with time, and all friends start out as acquaintances, first.

That being said, different people have different needs. If your family are providing you with the social environment that you need, then that is all to the good. But, bear in mind that children grow up and leave home, and while your wife may always be your best friend, that does not mean that one person can fulfil all your social needs. Having friends complements your family, it doesn't detract from it.

I thought "Mass Effect has a lot to answer for."

Thanks for the reply Dragonbean. Is your moniker perhaps derived from Christopher Paolini's Eragon series where the dragons vomit up their "el donari or heart of hearts"?

Can you find words for what exactly is rewarding about having friends? And isn't it a lot of work having more than one? I understand that you must be a friend to have one so if you have two you 've got twice as much to do. I'm willing to do the work if the payback is worthwhile. It's just that I have to understand what I get out of it, so as to do a mental cost/benefit analysis of sorts.

PS I'm really not as weird as this sounds, but my questions are serious. So maybe I really am as weird as this sounds. Hmmmm

"But friendships don't come ready-built. The payback from friendship comes with time, and all friends start out as acquaintances, first."

This is illuminating. How can you tell which acquaintances will turn into friends? How do you cull the acquaintance herd to pay special attention to those who will become friend? What tells you that?

This is what I think I'm struggling with. It doesn't help that I don't fully know what traits I like in people, or even if that even matters when it comes to who is my friend & who isn't. Also, it doesn't help that many people out there aren't true to themselves & just prefer to do mind games.

This is what I think I'm struggling with. It doesn't help that I don't fully know what traits I like in people, or even if that even matters when it comes to who is my friend & who isn't. Also, it doesn't help that many people out there aren't true to themselves & just prefer to do mind games.[/quote]

Thanks Adam. I sometimes think that I could enjoy someone who had the same keen interests that I do. That would be quantum physics and studies about how the human brain works. But then I wonder if I could shut up long enough so that I could have a sociable exchange with the person. When its my special interest, I tend to talk at andd bore the other person to tears. But maybe If I'm really careful I could put exrta effort into finding out how the other person feels. But I might explodde trying to hold it all in. How can a person keep from perseverating? I know a cousin that talks at everybody...with him there are no conversations, only lectures. I'd still like to find someone to talk with about my fav subjects. Its all very important to me. Ever since my religious faithh took a deathblow, I've been formulating a new belief system based on these areas of science...it doesn't have to be proved true. It just has to be something I can believe in. I hunger for that.

Regrettably, I do not have a rational answer for this.

I am not friends with every person who shares my interests--but my core group of friends is built from a relatively small number of people that I have socialized with for a decade. Others have come and gone--the core is composed of those who have remained throughout. The common denominator seems to be that the members of this group share more than one interest with me.