Yikes. He wants to go on a date.

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OK, now it's my turn to come unglued and look totally dysfunctional in front of everyone.

Last weekend, I went to a friend's party, met a cute guy, went home with him, and had just about the best sex I've had since... well, I don't remember. It was really fun.


Last night, he asked whether I wanted to get together this weekend. Obviously, I said yes (in complete violation of my usual rule against risking any kind of relationship with a local). Then disaster struck... he suggested dinner and a movie.

Oh, crap. Panic. Terror. Let's just say I don't do well on dates. I have a fairly well-defined narrow comfort zone that mainly revolves around threesomes, tourists, and/or an occasional f**kbuddy or two. Within that zone, I do really well. When I get pulled outside of it... well... ouch.

Under the best and most rigidly-controlled conditions, I could probably pull off a date where we both have a good time. Devitate a little from the formula, and I'm going to stress out. Deviate profoundly, and I'm going to go into dissociative meltdown (I've done it on quite a few past dates, but I only learned the official term for it after I started hanging out here).

What constitutes "best"? Dinner at one of three specific restaurants he's unlikely to be thrilled about (he's a "foodie", my tastes boil down to hamburgers, pizza|pasta, and a specific subset of Mexican cuisine involving various permutations of beef, cheese, rice, and corn & flour tortillas), followed by either pool at Sidelines (a gay sports bar) or a movie at my house (I have a decent home theater), then an hour or two of wild sex, and a night of quality solo sleep (I can't get quality sleep with someone else in bed with me, and attempting to do it leaves me dazed and sleepwalking the next day).

What would be guaranteed to push me over the edge? Just about any activity involving "fine dining" or being one of ${veryFew} gay guys amidst an ocean of disapproving heterosexuals. My best friend has learned to humor me over the years and follow the rules (never get closer than arm's length, skip a seat, don't even *think* about sharing food or touching me within view of anyone str8), but this guy is totally 100% well-adjusted with being gay, and I'm pretty sure he's either going to break every one of those rules (if I say nothing), or resent them and be offended if I make them explicit.

If I didn't like him so much, this would be the point where I start working overtime to come up with excuses about why I can't go out, and just kind of hide from him until he quit calling.

There is a possible ray of hope. Last weekend, I came out to him about being an Aspie, and he took it fairly well. He didn't seem to have ever heard the specific term "Aspie", but he said he had a friend who was almost my clone (and from how he described him, it sounded like he is). At first, I even thought *he* might be Aspie, but I've now concluded that he's overwhelmingly likely to be NT (possibly, with mild ADD). However, I don't think he really knows just how bad I can get, because I was solidly within my comfort zone for most of the time we were together.

I'm going to text back a suggestion to him that we do the one restaurant in my comfort zone that he might find tolerable & go play pool afterwards, but I really don't know what to do if he counteroffers something that's totally out of my comfort zone. I know beyond doubt that if I let him force me to a movie, the evening won't end well.

I'm open to suggestions for nice ways to let him know that when it comes to relationships, I have a debilitating (but usually invisible, unless you know what to look for) handicap. I'd *really* like for him to become my weekend wingman f**kbuddy, ready to go out hunting once or twice a week for hot guys.

I'm pretty sure he might go for it if I can pitch the idea to him the right way (at least, until he finds someone he can have a real relationship with), but I have absolutely no idea how to tactfully do it. I had an awesome "weekend wingman" relationship with a guy a couple of years ago, and I'd love to do it again... but the last time it was totally by blind random luck & just kind of happened. I have no idea how to do it by intent. Has anyone else ever managed to pull this off?

Yay (does happy dance). He didn't counter-offer, and said yes. We're going to have fun after all

I'm still open to suggestions as to when it might be appropriate to bring up the topic of threesomes and my aspie comfort zone.

I know tomorrow night would be wildly premature, but I know that if we're going to keep hanging out, we're going to have to settle both issues sooner or later (if only because he's eventually going to get tired of the same three restaurants, and we're both tops, so threesomes are going to be a practical necessity once swordfights start getting old).

Locals (guys who live in S. Florida) are dangerous, because they get attached to me and won't let go. Visitors are safe, because they have to go home eventually. Any damage is self-limiting. I hate being made to feel guilty for hurting someone's feelings, so I try to just avoid anyone who might end up in that position.

The closest thing to a relationship I can really deal with is someone who drops in occasionally for a fun weekend, but the rest of the time we can do our own thing. In theory, that would include meeting up with other guys for sex, though as a practical matter, back when I was in my semi-relationship 6 years ago, I don't think I ever actually *did* because he did such a great job of bringing guys I liked home. Still, it's the thought and freedom to do so that counts. I would have instantly rebelled and gotten upset if I were actually told I couldn't, even if I never actually did (or had any reason to).

Attachments are only bad if your not with the right person. Just be completely honest and open with him. If the sex was THAT good, and he's a nice guy, and he doesn't mind your little rules and routines, and he's smart and fun, well... everybody settles down a bit at some point, right?

You're right... attachments per se aren't necessarily bad... it's just that the range of those I'd view as good is so narrow, the overwhelming majority end up causing me to get annoyed, or someone else to get hurt. On the other hand, "settling down" with a hot guy who's around often enough to be fun, but not so often as to become tedious & draining, and who'll be an enthusiastic partner ready to synergistically multiply the quality of our sex lives, is quite nice. I hate to admit it, but I really was pretty bummed out when my pal got a real boyfriend a few years ago & the weekends stopped (well, except for one or two since then when they had a fight for a day or two & he came over to celebrate his temporary freedom).

I've noticed one thing that seems to be unique to Aspies (or at least Aspies with ADD) -- unlike just about everyone else, we can get into relationships, get ground down and burned out by a partner with traditional expectations we can't sustain, break up, then happily slip right back into the role of pal/f**kbuddy 6 weeks later to their complete (if happy) bewilderment. They'll come back to get their stuff expecting Sarah Jessica Parker-style "breakup sex", and end up coming back for more and more because they eventually realize we're happier and more fun when we *aren't* forced to pretend there's a white picket fence around the front yard, and can just enjoy it for what it is.

Update: last night went off perfectly. I couldn't have asked for a better time. I think he had a good time, too... or at least, I hope he did.

Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to talk about next time, because I've mostly exhausted the pool of topics he's interested in. I have a few leads to go research, but even last night I was kind of groping for a topic once or twice.

Did I mention yet that the sex was great?

Congrats.

One piece of advice: Ask him if he had a good time, thank him for accommodating your needs. If he had a good time, it will simply be a nice gesture, and if he didn't have a perfect time, it might make him feel better to know that it was important for you.

As for future dates, I think the lesson learned here is, "don't be afraid to ask." You asked for a date to follow your needs, and he agreed. Now maybe ask for a few ideas (plural) about what he would like, so that you can extend your rules--but not so far that it would cause too much stress. The more that the two of you talk to each other, the easier those conversations will be.