It doesn't always get better

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I hear the saying "it gets better" a lot from the LGBT "community". But it doesn't always get better, not for everyone.

My work is closed this week. Without work to distract me, I just lie in bed all day and cry. I don't feel like doing anything because of the pain of gender dysphoria. I'd rather be dead than a man.

Treatment has not helped. I've been on hormones for 3 and a half years, but I still look entirely like a man. Meanwhile, the other male-to-female friends that started hormones after me now are passing just fine as women. I feel worthless and lonely as a result, and pretty much live for the therapy appointment I get each week.

I wish suicide were more accepted and easier. Those are the only reasons I'm still alive at this point.

I'm sorry you are in such pain. I can relate on a much smaller level - I was not comfortable being a teenage girl and often wanted to just cut certain body parts off, but now that I'm an adult I sometimes dearly wish I could reconstruct my body to be more feminine. Goes between those extremes it seems. However I understand what you're going through is on a much more extreme level and that you are ultimately unable to bear living that way.

Do you see and feel that you've become noticeably more feminine since you started the hormones, in other words do you feel any less gender dysphoria than before even though you are not at this point as feminine as you have the painful desire to be? Is there a "compromise point" at which you might be able to look at yourself and feel not a guy and definitely a woman even if it is not your ideal image of femininity you hoped you'd become? I know you must have thought about this from every angle so I know I'm probably not discussing any new ideas but it seems maybe if you could somehow reach that compromise point there is a lot that can be done superficially to make yourself look and feel as feminine as you want to feel. Hair, makeup, clothes, etc.

I know you've probably tried all kinds of things already but I know it took me quite a while to fully realize the effect different hairstyles and clothes and so on have on how feminine/masculine/androgynous I look + feel. I mean just last week I made the mistake of chopping off ALL my hair and it's made me feel unfeminine to a degree I did not think possible for me and I can't wait for it to grow back.

Also I wondered if there are any specific changes that you can think of that are possible that could help you feel basically of the female gender... I am definitely not any kind of expert on this (clearly) but I wondered if you feel that certain surgeries or other body modifications affecting gender presentation might help (beyond the hormones which you do not sound happy with the results of) and if they are possible.

Sorry for rambling without much to say, I am just trying to imagine what options might help.

It's a silly phrase, but the intention behind it is laudable.

Best wishes, in any case. I'm no good at advice, but have a of frustrated sympathy.

don't kill yourself. i'm tired of people dying. its not something worth dying for. i know this sounds like i dont understand saying its not worth it, but i do understand! calm down, you'll end up looking like a woman eventually, you're not even to the point of surgery obviously. plus even though you might not think it, someone out there loves you. if you'd die, whoever that person is would miss you. it's not worth it to kill yourself.

I am so sorry you are hurting and if I could make it better I would, but I know I can't. I identify as a lesbian but I honestly hate my female body. But I can live with the amount of androgyny I can achieve and don't think I'm trans. Sometimes I wonder. But I want to tell you something that I did by accident that helped me, or gave me an outlet. And you may already do this, but in case you don't I'll tell you. I joined a computer related website which was almost all guys because I was interested in the topic. They assumed I was a man and I found I really enjoyed it. It was a chance to be me without the burden of my female identity, without having to explain certain things. Do you think something like that might be an escape for you? Find a website forum that is mostly women or is about women's topics and just be your true womanly self. As long as you aren't hurting anyone by not telling the complete truth, what would be the harm? You could even go on Second Life and have an avatar of the female body you long to have, just until you can have surgery. I've never been on that site but I've read about it. Just an idea which I hope helps you.

don't worry too much about how other people look at you, you are more than just a woman or a man. There are other things about you that are worthy! spend time with yourself, aspies like us like being by ourselves. You can find strength being alone regardless of how others look at you. Trust me.

this opinion about gender dysphoria bothers me. It is not how others see you, but how you see yourself. I'm a transguy, and my dysphoria is much worse when I'm alone and not distracted by trying to figure out some arbitrary social situation. Saying the dysphoria is based on how others see the person is like saying it's a cosmetic worry. The OP says herself that going to bed is what she hates the most. Not being in public.

OP- Maybe finding a couple friends to go shopping (even just the window variety) or out to coffee, people who see you for who you are and respect you, might help. Or listing all the beautiful feminine things you like about yourself in a journal. If those don't help, having a plan of attack towards your transition might help, such as making a detailed time-line of when you'll have the money saved for surgeries, so you have something concrete to work towards. goodluck hon, I know its not easy. And while it doesnt always get better immediately, or completely, I'll bet you're doing even the tiniest bit better than before hormones. At least I hope so, I don't like seeing a downtrodden heart.