I'm nervous confused and even scared...

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Ever since I was around 12 or 13 years old I have worried and wondered about my...sexual identity. It officially started while watching an episode of Three's Company and finally realizing being gay had a different meaning other than just being really happy. I'm completely confused and I have all these questions I want to ask, but I don't know who to ask, there doesn't seem to be anyone to ask and if there was they might tell me what I definitely don't want to hear: that I'm a lesbian. I'm sorry to say that, but why would I want to be, along with all my other problems, something many people think is sick and evil, something that could make people suddenly hate me or even want to kill me, or tell me that God hates me and I will burn in hell? I figure if anyone would know the answers to my questions about homosexuality it would be people on this site, but I still don't know. Maybe I'm asexual, but I'm not sure about that either even though I've never had sex or really been in love, and I'm almost 38. I do have some sort of fetish, but I'm not telling anyone what that is and it's a secret I plan to take with me to my grave. But I'm a cartoonist, and I've always found it easier and more enjoyable to draw attractive and shapely-looking female characters than male ones. And watching cartoons of them too, just look at my Jessica Rabbit Avatar. I think women are more pleasing to look at because of our curves and round shapes, the same way I find other round or curvy things like Mickey Mouse and clouds and Easter Eggs. And if a woman is dressed in sexually revealing clothes and her breasts are really showing, I "notice it". But why shouldn't I notice it? If I saw someone with a really big nose I'd notice that too, but I'm not sexually attracted to big noses. If another woman tells me I look pretty I don't think she's gay, but If I say it I feel weird inside. So does even thinking another woman looks sexy beautiful and not feeling disgusted or jealous make me a homosexual or is it no different than looking at other visually beautiful things like a sunset or a painting?

I have no idea. I think you would only be a lesbian if you were attracted to them in that way (awkward to actually say because I'm 14) but yeah... You'd KNOW if it was in that way though.

Well, for starters, if there is a god, I think he . . or she . . is a little more savvy and street smart than people give him . . or her . . credit for. I don't think a divine being is likely to get all hung up about love to love sexual behavior, or even sexual behavior based merely on liking.

I had a sexual experimentalist partner for some months when I was 26. But it wasn't until age 35 that I engaged in full-fledged making-out, meaning long prolonged kissing, which I enjoyed and was pretty good at. But alas, I think because I was aspie and didn't know it, and couldn't just say, hey, I'm aspie, I have patchy social skills, good in some areas, not so good in others, she left me, which is okay.

Anyway, this is a long way of saying, whether you're a lesbian or not, or asexual, I think it's fine. And there are people who will accept you.