Scared of making friends in case they're homophobic?

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A problem I've been having a bit recently in my attempt to make some friends at university is that I'm extremely self conscious that I am gay and that there are lots of people who wouldn't want to be friends with me if they knew that. As making friends is an extremely long and difficult process for me I kind of worry about going to all of the trouble only to have someone end the friendship when they find out I'm gay.

Now, I don't tend to be like this towards everyone. Unfortunately, this is one of the very few areas where I could be accused of racism. White people, particularly girls, I'm not so nervous around about this stuff. But people of other ethnicities, particularly people from India or the Middle East where homophobia is rampant, I'm hesitant about. And to add to the problem, in most other ways I tend to get along really well with foreign students (often they are more focused and driven than the party-crazy Canadian university students--I know I'm stereotyping here, and I am not saying that either one is always the case, but I think it tends to a general trend).

Does anyone else have these sorts of insecurities or problems? What do you do about it?

I'm not an expert on the subject, but I would think that making friends with someone as normal and then telling them might help them realize that gay people are just that: people.

I am very careful who I tell and trust with that info and even people I know now have made comments and I dare not say a word.

I guess if I were you, I would just stick with befriending girls and people who, for whatever reason, you believe would be accepting of who you are. Obviously you shouldn't walk into, say, the campus Christian organization with your colors showing, but start with what you know, and work on developing that. That being said, if you happen across people you don't know who seem like they'll be accepting of your lifestyle, then by all means, see if you can befriend them. But for those who don't accept you, I wouldn't even worry about them.

Yeah, but I don't really want to be friends with those people.

I forgot to mention in my previous post:

One lesson about being non-heterosexual is, BE VERY CAREFUL in who you choose to come out to. You might find that, even if the person you're coming out to is well-intentioned, he or she might not be able to govern themselves with the information you're giving them, and they might- inadvertently, even- disclose it to someone who is a lot less friendly toward your orientation or gender identity.

A perfect example of this happened many years ago, before I graduated college, when the parents of a good friend of mine (both "decent Christians", unsurprisingly) revoked his college tuition when this friend of mine's aunt discovered a post that one of his other friends left on his Facebook profile, which (again, inadvertently) revealed my friend's homosexuality to his aunt.

The aunt then went to my friend's parents (they're all strongly Christian; my friend had no chance whatsoever in successfully reasoning with them), who then proceeded to revoke the remainder of his college tuition. He was thereby forced out of college before he could graduate. His parents never even gave him a chance to explain himself- they absolutely refused to open their minds and tolerate who he was. He was enthusiastically studying to be an physicist, and now he works in a shopping mall because he can't work enough to pay for living expenses AND have time (and money) to work on his degree. It's so sad.

Its difficult when its a coworker and you have to work with them

For me, I don't see homophobia as a barrier to making friends; if someone is homophobic, I don't want to be their friend anyway.

At the same time, I don't disclose my sexuality unless I am asked, and even then I don't go in depth about it. i.e. I just say I'm bisexual, don't get into any of my gender issues or anything like that. But any time someone around me says homophobic things, I confront them about it - almost always backed up by people around me.

I agree.

I agree. It's just that you don't know if someone is homophobic until after you get to know them. Which takes a lot of effort.

Fortunately I don't have circumstances like that--my family is very accepting. (Also, it's a rotten system when your entire future can be destroyed based on a quick and bigoted decision by your parents). But yes, I am aware of those issues. And it has impacted who I consider talking to in the past.

i get your problem. i got out of highschool which was filled with bigoted pricks and realised that i didnt have to deal with that anymore but also realised that there were a bunch of twats at uni too. magdalena suggested you dont show your colours but i disagree. i say wear rainbows. that way people will react to them and you will know straight up who is a homophobe and who isnt. also look out for use of language. if they are still using words like fag or fag.got or phrases like thats so gay and refuse to budge if you explain why they are offensive then ditch them. likewise if they sneer when queer rights or queer figures are mentioned. also gay jokes. those that make them are berks. but yeah, rainbows everywhere. its what i have on my bag alongside the bi pride badge i made. i have very few friends as a result of this(in part anyway). the other issue i have with queer friends is that i find out they just assume i am conservative or homophobic because i am middle eastern and refuse to budge when i tell them that most of my generation have the same opinion of queers as everyone else in the country. sure its the same for the indian and other migrant communities. i would also suggest that not many people at queer collective are homophobes but group things are not everybodys cup of tea.