Self-esteem and same sex attraction

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Does anyone have this problem of not feeling 'worthy' of the same sex?

If a woman was ever attracted to me, I'd think she'd need her brain/eyesight checking. I wouldn't trust her to be of sound mind and judgement. Yet, I have less of an issue with accepting that sometimes men like me.

I'm just starting to realise that this whole 'feeling inferior to all other women' thing is a huge issue I have. I was thinking about posting this in The Haven, since I sound so whiny talking about it. It really has made me quite miserable. I usually let it sit in the background and I'm feeling quite miserable writing about this now. I guess it's like any other inferiority complex and I'm taking the first steps to overcoming it.

Whenever I see a girl I'm attracted to in real life, I get this horrible wave of self-hatred that I can suppress better at some times more than others. My boyfriend once took me to burlesque show, and I ended up repeatedly punching myself in the face.

I wish I knew where this comes from. It's not 'I'm fat and ugly' because I'm not that fat and I'm not ugly. I say it's 'cause 'I'm fat and ugly' as a rationalisation. It might be internalised homophobia, but then I wonder where I got that from. I mean, there is homophobia out there for me to internalise, but I've never come across anything as strong as my self-hatred.

Can anyone else relate to this?

no matter how ugly you may feel [regardless of the reality] there is always going to be somebody with less aesthetic charm than yourself. you don't even have to google very far to find pics of people who you would agree don't look as good as yourself. just try to remember that there will always be those greater and lesser than thou- it is natural to envy those who are greater but nobody remembers the plight of those who are lesser. one might hope that those children of a lesser god have somebody that makes them feel loved by somebody.

and i hope you never EVER punch yourself in the face EVER AGAIN!

I don't even really care about looks that much. It's this overwhelming sense of inferiority that isn't just about looks. This general feeling of being a monstrosity that isn't worthy of woman.

I hurt myself a bit too much. I have distressing violent thoughts, otherwise.

I think its because women are put in a competitive position against each other and internalize negative ideals about women and how women should be. Often women experience criticism from other women (esp mothers) which makes them feel sensitive. I think its like rejecting yourself first before the other person can.

although having said that I recognise lots of men feel bad about themselves when they find a woman attractive also.

^ That makes sense.

I get what you mean about rejecting yourself.

I honestly think growing up Catholic partly caused it, too. I'm am not worthy. I must do penance. My nature is corrupted. I must purge myself of the terrible sin of being myself. It's bad to get what you want in this life, you should focus on pining after some perfect ideal. Bleh.

Life is too short for this s**t. I have any sense about me, I should go out and live. No-one is less deserving of happiness than anyone else. Please tell that to my subconscious.

Thanks for talking to me about this.

Yes, that's really quite mental and disturbing.

I have some thoughts but you might not want to hear them from me. If so, that's OK and I understand.

I am mental and disturbing.

If you think it'll hurt my feelings, just hold off on telling me, please.

No, it isn't that. I assumed that you rejected contact on personal issues altogether. If this is preferred, this is what I will adhere to.

(The advice would have been general and probably stuff you already know.)

You're doing fine, by the way.

It's ok, thanks. I know your thoughts on this matter. I was just posting in here to see if I could get some fresh insight, or hear from someone who feels even slightly the same.

It was mainly about being very careful about your therapy and trusting people. I'm currently going through CBT at the moment and I've had disappointment after disappointment with these 'professionals'.

I don't believe in CBT. Been there, done that. The therapist I'm waiting for can do different types of therapy.

The impersonalness of the guy doing it frightens me and I've told him so. He seems to have made up his mind about what sort of character I am through the first couple of sessions, and it's not a pleasant one.

If he goes on about healthy lifestyle any more, I'm going to mention the mote in his eye.

Call me paranoid but it might be better if she were female. Yes, I know you have issues to do with this but I don't trust these people.

Sorry if this is unhelpful advice. I'll disappear now.

No, you're right.

She is female - I can understand your reasoning behind that. I've had a quick session with her before. I wouldn't mope around on a waiting list like this if I didn't think she could help.

I am glad to hear it. Trust is a massive part of it. If you feel you can open up to her and she really understands (many won't), it'll be a big help for you.

Best of luck.

I think it's simpler than that. You're fine with men finding you attractive because that's "safe" - it won't lead anywhere, so the outcome doesn't matter. It's like betting with pretend money - you can risk the lot on one hand of cards because it's just for fun. But women finding you attractive is important to you. You resist it, because it does have consequences. It matters to you.

"Fat and ugly" is not the cause of a lack of self-esteem. It's an expression of it, and usually comes from a distorted self-image, but it's far from the only form of expression. And yes, I can relate to it. I hated myself for many years before I finally learned how to accept myself, and now I know myself to be the intelligent, handsome sex machine that I really am.