Do you think this is offensive? Or odd?

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A while ago I had started working at a place and there was a guy that I thought was gay. I don't have anything against people that are LGBT (well if they "flaunt" it then it can be distracting, but that is off topic). I just felt I needed to know if he was or not, I guess for how I identified him. So I asked someone else at the job when he was not there is "John" gay. She said yeah, as in it was obvious. I can't think of any conscious thing I did differently because of it, I just thought it was odd that I felt the need to know.

I find it offensive because it is none of your business since you didn't seem to have a good reason to want to know. People already make too much of a deal out of whether or not people are gay without you adding unnecessary discussion to it just to satisfy curiosity.

I think the word that best describes it is inappropriate. As long as whatever it is doesn't interfere with the someone's work performance and/or relationships with co-workers, it's best to mind your own business. Personal stuff is on a need to know basis, unless the person themselves chooses to discuss something personal about themselves.

What can I say? Gossip is juicy.
'John' doesn't flaunt the fact the he is gay, neither does he hide it. (Assumption). I don't see the problem. You work with this man and interact on him on a daily basis. I can only guess and say that he's a friend and isn't bothered by people knowing of his sexuality. I think the best way you could have approached this was ask him personally, and not make a big deal about it.

I'm an Aspie, though... Don't know if taking advice from me would be the smartest thing to do. :'P

This is in the past. So practicality wise just learning from the situation

The only problem I can see with asking someone directly is that they might be gay but not 'out' (either in the workplace or in general). So being put on the spot like that might cause them to feel pressured to come out or to deny it entirely. As everyone says, it is the guy's own business anyway. However, I have been in a similar situation with a guy who is my husband's friend and I used to work with him too. I 'knew' he was gay (especially as he always brought male 'friends' along to nights out). I asked my husband if he was - I wouldn't have asked anyone else. My husband didn't know and would never have asked him and I wouldn't expect him to. About a year later, he came out to his closest friends, who included us and then his family. A while after that, he told his work colleagues. Had someone asked him before he was out, he would have been really concerned, especially when he hadn't told his family yet. He's not ashamed, but he was really worried about their reaction.

Asking a third party whether someone is gay doesn't seem all that strange to me. The only pitfall I can think of is that it could have the implication that you yourself are gay and interested in John.

I don't find it offensive. What it offensive is stereotyping people based on their looks or behavior without ever asking them, like my peers and co-workers did. Or devising silly gay tests by having other people hit on the person in question to see how he responds, which is what my so-called friends did back in the day. But there is nothing wrong with asking.

I've often wished people would just go ahead and ask instead of assuming all kinds of things. If someone finds the question too personal (assuming you would ask themselves and not a colleague), they can always say so. But if you ask a third party, you have to consider that they don't know for sure and have merely made an assumption because it seemed so obvious. Impressions can be deceiving, as in my case (I'm not gay but bi/poly).

It would certainly make finding a date easier for us who don't fit the stereotypes.

That can cause problems for people who are gay (or whatever else) and don't want others to know. Here in the U.S. At least, straight people who are asked the question will typically say that they are straight, even if they think it is no one else's business, due to the stigma attached to not being straight. Someone who says the question is too personal will therefore likely be assumed to be gay/les/bi/etc. This is why I found the question offensive; it creates an atmosphere that non-straight people (not to mention private straight people) may not have the power to control, regardless of what they say.

The only thing I find offensive is your bias against people who "flaunt" it, whatever that means. If I got distracted by straight people who flaunted their sexuality I'd never be able to leave the house.

When you have a question, it is usually best to ask it. It's normal to be curious about other people, and your question does not imply negative judgement.

For example, I have a friend who is 1/4 black, and has very frizzy hair that is blonde, and blue eyes. People ask him all the time, "Are you black or white?" (He likes to joke about it, so his answer is usually "yes, I am" or "both.") Almost nobody means it in a mean-spirited way, and it doesn't really cause problems, but people are just genuinely curious.

Often times, asking whether somebody is gay has no other purpose than to satisfy the natural human curiosity about others.

[quote="Mus"]It's normal to be curious about other people, and your question does not imply negative judgement.[/quote]

The question may not imply anything in and of itself, but context matters. I'm willing to bet money the original poster does not go around asking or even wondering if people are heterosexual when they are suspected of being heterosexual, and that it's people who are suspected of being gay, lesbian, or whatever that raise questions more often. That type of biased questioning may not imply negative judgment, but it's an extension of the culture that cannot or will not accept lesbianism and homosexuality as no big deal, but a continual curiosity to probe and gawk at.

I don't think it is "odd" from my viewpoint. I might have done something similar. I have this need to mentally classify everything, especially people.

It's not offensive if it doesn't change your opinion of him or the way you treat him. He's still the same person, you just know he's gay now. I don't think it's inappropriate either. No one has perfect gaydar and it kinda sucks being left out the loop (I assume a lot of people at your work know).

Personally, I would be elated that "John" is gay. I find gay people, specifically the more eccentric ones, much more easier to talk to.