Finding The Right Mate

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Hi,

If you guys don't mind, I want to ask you a question. This year I want to begin searching for a mate. What traits do you think are essential for an LGBT person who is also diagnosed with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder? I am talking in both general terms and from your experiences in life. I came out as a gay man last spring, and I am having trouble figuring out my needs and desires for a long lasting relationship.

It would sure help if I could hear from some of you!

No two people have exactly the same needs. What I look for in a partner is not necessarily what you want. The best thing for you to do is get out there and find out what you want. Have a few relationships. They'll likely be short and crap, but each one will be better than the last and give you a clearer idea of what you like and don't like. And eventually you'll find someone that you want to keep.

If you sit at home thinking about what you're looking for, you'll never get started. Worse, if the right person DID come along, you probably wouldn't be ready for them. After all, your partner is looking for the right person for them, too. You need to learn how to be that person.

There are not that many gay people in my town. I don't really like using those gay dating websites because most of the guys on there are very stuck up and judgmental. I live not too far from Pittsburgh, and there are some gay and lesbian groups there.

Hello.

I think one essential thing is that if you want a real relationship rather than just casual sex, you should try to avoid sex-driven types. There are quite a few that seek mostly good sex in a relationship and not much else. Nothing's wrong with that, but if you want a long-lasting relationship, then other things do matter. As another poster said, unless you try, you won't really know. So, I guess you follow your instinct and if you find a right-looking man, try him. I think that's how you eventually meet the right man.

That is why I feel very uncomfortable on those gay dating websites. These websites are full of men who only want good sex, even those that are not intended to be "hook up" websites.

I think you have already identified your primary issue, and I echo the very sound advice that Thom_Fuleri has already provided.

I will offer the following observations:

-What you want from a relationship and what you get from a relationship will always be two different things. If you go in with expectations, you are only asking for a failure to meet those expectations. You should think about the things that are non-negotiable for you, the things that are 'nice-to-have's, and--just as importantly--the things that you are prepared to give a partner.

-What you think you need from a relationship and what you actually need from a relationship may be two different things. You may have a notion that you need your partner to fulfil certain needs in your life only to discover that you've actually got those things covered. You should always be prepared to reevaluate your needs and wants, and be flexible about these things.

-What you need and want from a relationship will not be permanent. Relationships are organic things and with each passing year they do not look the same as they did before.

You will screw up in all of your relationships. Even my relationship with my partner, which has been going on for almost 22 years, has plenty of screwups. I'm not perfect, he's not perfect and our relationship's not perfect. And none of that matters.

So, embrace your screwups. Recognize them for the learning opportunities that they are. Forgive your partners and forgive yourself for screwing up, and then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move off, resolving not to screw up the same way twice.

I am under the impression that you are looking for your first relationship (If I am wrong then this advice may not be as valid). You can't expect to find a 'mate' in your first relationship. I had no real idea of what I wanted before my first relationship, and it took a few failed relationships to get a remote idea of what I wanted. I recommend lowering your expectations before entering a first relationship. Yes the first one may be the right one, but the odds are not in your favour.