Hi everyone,
As a newly discovered, self diagnosed AS guy,
First, let me say that although I'm not officially diagnosed, a very good friend, (who has a son whom is an aspie) has been working with me to help me understand what this really means for me. I have also spoken with my primary care physician about it some and we are beginning to address it, without medication-since I really only need help recognizing and dealing with my aspie traits when they interfere with life; which is frequently more than I ever realized.
On one hand, its a journey into myself. An awareness of epic proportions which, has suddenly made me more sensitive to my "sensitivities" I find myself feeling more vulnerable. And wonder sometimes if this was really something I wanted to know.
On the other hand, I am happy to finally have an explanation as to the nature of my behavior throughout my life. I would probably be considered very high functioning with most things. In fact, in my work its a blessing. The ability to focus intently and with such perfection is something my clients love. And once I open up, I make life-long connections with many of them. Something about my gentle spirit they almost always tell me!
I guess the biggest revelation is to my personal/social life. For many years, I would need to "lube up" with alcohol or drugs to be able to let my hair down and have a good time out at the bars/clubs. As soon as I sobered up, right back to being an introvert and so overly self conscious it often made me ill. Now, several years off of meth and only an occasional drinker I find myself so introverted and self absorbed that I can't even walk into a bar unless a trusted friend is at my side. These days, an ativan helps, but I try not to "need it" and so I can count on on hand the number of sex partners I've had over the past 6 years. I find most gay men to be too difficult to approach. But, I'm also not lonely. Especially since I know why my life took this path. I used to act like I was lonely around close friends to give the impression I was like them-needing sex.
On the issue of sex,
As a preteen and up until my early 20's I was a sex maniac. Must have been a special interest because it dominated my life. Then, I needed the meth, now I can take it-or leave it-but mostly don't want it. I find it messy, cumbersome, feel inadequate and frankly, its overrated. The whole process of even finding a partner is as frightening as any nightmare I have ever had. Mostly,i hope someone will take an interest in me and I won't have to do any of that difficult social back and forth; which is near impossible in nonsexual situations. Let alone with the pretense is sex. So I stay in safe places with safe people.
Now, ask any one of my current friends and they will tell you there's nothing wrong with me. That I do just fine in social situations and with small talk. What they don't know is its taken me years to perfect this art with them and to find ways to deal with the anxiety.
I actually recall at one point, consciously making a decision to learn to "act normal" and that became the dominant force in my life for a long time. Little did I know what it really meant in the overall scheme of things. I even worked in a busy coffee house for a few years, owned by a friend whom I found extremely easy to mimic. After he trained me, I did exactly as he taught me until the day I left that job. I found it difficult to improvise. He must have gave me a sense of safety and security.?
I don't know, maybe I'm rambling, but I find its not easy to find people to talk openly about this. There seems to be a stigma attached to this and the other variants of autism. I also don't do well putting my thoughts into verbal expression. Its much easier to write about it.
One last thing for now, I'm also HIV positive. I wonder if there are any other HIV positive aspies out there?
06 Oct 2012, 1:43 pm
