Others say I'm gay, but...

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I pleasure myself to equal amounts of straight and lesbian videos. I've never had a boyfriend, but I've had gay guys hit on me. I've been invited to a gay bar before, been asked to do gay adult films. I've had maybe seven girlfriends, but they all end after two months. They say I'm too nice, and that they want a guy with a spine. I'm a male, in my mid 20s. I am wondering if my EXs just didn't want to tell me I was gay. What has been bugging me for the last few years is a situation that started at a Wiccan circle...

I've usually been open to new religions, so I thought I'd check out what a Wiccan gathering was like. While attending my second one, a girl came up to me. We really hit it off. We exchanged numbers, and met up the next morning. I felt happy for the first time in a while. We were hanging out at my friend's house, and this girl asks if I wanted to go for a walk. We leave, and start walking down a trail branching from the sidewalk. We end up near some trees, and we start kissing. Things were moving quickly. Her pants come off, and I never felt so cheated in my life. I feel like a monster for what happened next, but her underwear comes off and she had a you know what. I felt angry, lied to, lead on, confused, and just, I don't know. PISSED OFF. I instantly told her "I gotta leave." She put her pants back on, and we sat there for a couple of minutes in silence. Neither of us knew what to say. I was pissed, and I began to wonder if this was what happened every time she tried hooking up with a guy. I don't know what to call her, but I'm saying "her" because those are the terms we met on. I take her back to her house, and when I dropped her off, she said to call her if I ever wanted to pursue a sexy relationship. She got out of the car and cried to the door. Please don't tell me I'm bad, because I already feel bad for reacting the way I did. It's haunted me since. I don't need anyone else telling me what I did wrong.

So, others have said I was gay, but I pleasure myself to lesbian and straight videos. I think I'm straight, maybe curious, but not gay. Then what about "coming out?" This is the first time in my life I've spoken about any of this.

welcome to our club
i have to admit i felt a bit sorry for the tgirl that surprised you. it reminds me of that scene in "the crying game" movie. it would've been better if the girl coulda told you in advance that she was a he.

you sound straight and easily taken advantage of. maybe an assertiveness class would help.

Basically, if you can easily answer these question (honestly!) for yourself, then there shouldn't be a whole lot of soul-searching.

Are you sexually attracted to men, but not to women? If yes, then gay.

Are you sexually attracted to men and also to women? If yes, then bisexual.

Are you sexually attacted to women, but not to men? If yes, then straight.

Really, it doesn't make much difference which gender you are romantically attracted to or with whom you enjoy the most company or any implications concerning marriage and lifestyles, because the "sexual" part of sexual orientation means just what it sounds like. The rest of that stuff you'll figure out along the way and it should fall into place.

So, anyway, once you have given yourself an answer you one of those questions, THEN ask yourself what you should be pursuing for a relationship that would be the most healthy for you and your partner.

I think I'm a little curious. I sometimes wonder about guys with appeal. For instance, I used to play pool at a bar and there was usually this guy there that was really good. We got along well there, but let's just say he wore a lot of red, which in a round a bout way means he'd probably have shot me if I said anything weird. The other day, I began to wonder what he looked like with his clothes off. Nothing else.

I was raised by my mom and grandma. My dad was a neglective drunk, so I'll never say he raised me. He was there, but not "there." When I was about ten, me and my neighbor(same age), would have sleepovers. We thought it was funny to run around the house with our clothes off. I don't know why we did this, but we would always laugh. We would compare sizes, but never touch each other. Haven't talked to him in years, but he is always with another woman.

Could it be possible that something is preventing me from seeing the truth? Maybe that prevention is fear. I know there are people out there who believe they are perfectly normal, but have hallucinations of people(schizophrenia.) Is it possible that something is preventing my own mind from admitting something?

I've been questioning my sexuality for about 7 years. I've thought about going to the gay pride parade in San Francisco, but I am worried I will see people there who I know. I've considered going to find out how I would react to multiple guys hitting on me. I would not be a jerk about it by any means. I'd probably hug them, but I don't know for sure how far I'd let things go. I know people that have talked about going to the festival to find drugs. These are the dishonest people that I am worried about seeing. If they're there to get drugs only, wouldn't they spread malicious rumors about me? I used to live very close to San Francisco, and was into the bay area punk scene for a while. That scene is a small community, where rumors spread FAST. I'm afraid of losing friends and family members' respect if I come out. I depend on those who are close to me. I'm afraid of losing my support system. I used to live very close to SF, and was into the bay area punk scene for a while. That scene is a small community, where rumors spread FAST.

I'm very confused, and looking for people that I can trust. The town I live in now is very small and full of rednecks. I'm fine with this, but I'm afraid I would have to move to another city to be accepted if I came out.

Just do what makes you happy. You are what you feel you are, not what others say you are.

Also please don't use words like "tgirl" when referring to a transperson.

Yes, do what will make you happy in your life. If you need to move away to pursue that happiness, then so be it. None of us live long enough to spend any of it in misery that we don't need.

As I wrote before, decide who you are sexually attracted to and let that guide you in your search for love in and romance. Don't allow family and neighbors to decide that!

It must suck a lot to be a transwoman.

But, if you are attracted to people who you think are women, then you're probably attracted to women. I mean, you were totally hitting it off until you found out she had a penis, right? If the presence of the penis makes you disinclined to pursue anything with her then fair enough, but you might decide that you're not that bothered, and that's cool too.

Genitals don't particularly change how I feel about someone. I'd've been surprised if she hadn't told me *before* she took her underwear off, but I wouldn't have minded in the long term.

In summary, if she looks like a woman and feels like a woman and she's a "she" socially, she's a woman. The penis doesn't have much to do with it.

Quoted for awesomeness. I'm glad somebody gets it.

I'm currently dating a guy who happened to be born with a vagina and I couldn't be happier.

Thank you for the awesomeness comment. And I am glad you're happy in your relationship!

Whoah, whoah, whoah! Let's back up here a moment.

A transwoman goes for a walk with you, starts kissing with you, and then only reveals that she's a transwoman when she takes her pants off. And you're the one that feels bad?!? Let's have a quick reality check here.

When the two of you went for a walk, it sounds to me like she had no reason to expect that you knew that she was a transwoman. If she was not 100% certain that you knew that when you two started kissing, then she initiated (or agreed to your initiation) of kissing on a false pretence. Where I come from, that would be sexual assault. As far as I am concerned you were perfectly correct to feel angry, lied to, led on and pissed off. She exploited you--plain and simple.

Being a transwoman does not confer upon her a license to behave like that. She was obliged to tell you that she was a transwoman before the two of you started kissing. You have a right to decide whether or not you want to start playing tonsil hockey with her, and you have a right to know something this fundamental before anything like that starts. Yes, it sucks that she has to meet a higher standard than other women. It's unfair, I know. She was dealt a crap hand, and I perfectly understand that there are days that she doesn't want to be a transwoman, she just wants to be a woman. And there are men out there that will be there for her--but that doesn't mean that she gets to assume that everyman is willing to be there for her.

The fact remains that she was in possession of information that could have (and certainly did) make a difference, and she allowed a sexual act to start without disclosing that.

Had she behaved properly, she, in return, would have had the right to expect you to behave respectfully towards her. And it sounds like you did pretty well on that score, in the circumstances. You didn't leave her there--you drove her home. And the invitation to call her if you wanted to pursue a sexual relationship certainly doesn't suggest any disrespectfuly or inappropriate conduct on your part.

Maybe her crying has to do with previous rejections that she has experienced. But if those rejections were based upon confronting the man she was kissing with a surprise penis in her pants, then she really has no one to blame but herself. On the other hand, if her crying was an attempt to make you feel guilty for what she did wrong (mission accomplished) then she is being merely cruel and manipulative.

So before we get to the question of your sexual orientation, let's be absolutely clear here: based on the narrative that you describe, you have no reason to feel like a monster.

Now as to your sexual orientation--being curious does not make you gay. Having sex with another guy doesn't make you gay. Having sex with a lot of other guys doesn't make you gay. If you are a man whose primary sexual interest is women, then notwithstanding the occasional curiosity or experimentation, I think that you can perfectly honestly describe yourself as straight.

A transperson can disclose their status whenever they damn well feel like it. It is true that it can be riskier to disclose that information at such a late point (most would choose to do so earlier for fear of getting beat up/raped or what have you), but that's still her decision to make and not anybody else's. It's not assault. It's her body, her life.

no amount of PC can take away from the fact that such deceptive behavior is nothing other than false advertising.

Of course violence in such a situation is still wrong. If you go to have sex with someone and find parts in their pants that you want nothing to do with you have the right to refuse and walk away.

I could have had the opposite happen. Once in a gay bar a guy thought I was a guy in drag. He would have expected a penis and been really disappointed to not find one.

It is not false advertising. They are presenting themselves outwardly in a way that matches closest with how they feel inside. From their own perspective having to lie to themselves and others about their gender identity every day would be false advertising. Their biological sex or surgical status is not yours or anybody else's business until they decide that it is. If you decide upon finding out such personal information that you no longer wish to be romantically involved, that is on you and not them.

Yes, she can. So long as her being a transwoman (or any other kind of woman, for that matter) is not relevant to another individual, she is free to keep that as secret as she likes.

But what I said (and what you conveniently failed to quote) was, "she initiated (or agreed to your initiation) of kissing on a false pretence."

If she doesn't feel comfortable disclosing that she's a transwoman, then she is perfectly free not to start kissing someone who doesn't know. She exploited him, and she is wholly and entirely in the wrong for doing that.



I agree, it is not false advertising. It's a false pretence, which is a different thing. She is a woman--but she is a woman born in a male body. And to a potential sexual partner that can make an enormous difference. To another partner, that could be an enormous attraction. But the potential partner is entitled to make that call.

I vehemently disagree that their biological sex is not anybody else's business. Your biological sex is very much the business of the person that you are engaged in a sexual act with. By agreeing to kiss, she necessarily agreed that CvicLOC was entitled to greater privileges than ordinary people. And one of those privileges is her truthful disclosure.

Your last sentence is fatally flawed by the use of the words, "no longer." CvicLOC was entitled to make that decision before they started kissing, and she deprived him of that choice. It is inexcusable behaviour that is not rescued by her status as a transwoman.