LGBT and aspie - how are you doing?

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I just wanted to see how people are doing, being both gay and aspie. I'd just like to read of what experiences others have lived, maybe there are things to learn?

Are you in a relationship? Do you want one? If you have had relationship trouble, has it been aspie-related? What happened? Did you find workarounds others might benefit from trying? Has your partners been understanding of your AS? Have you told them at all? How? Are you out, and what was coming out as an LGBT person like?

In short, feel free to talk about whatever you'd like

I'm gay, an aspie, and mixed race. I sometimes think about what it would be like to be "normal", that is, one race, hetero and NT. Would the doors of success be more open to me? Could I just walk right in, grab my piece of the "normal" pie and have my "normal" life with a wife, kids, career and dog in the suburbs? Would I be happier than I am now?
Am I in a relationship? No.
Do I want one? No.
Have I ever had relationship troubles? Yes.
Was it aspie related? Yes.
What happened? I used to live with a guy for about six months. We got along fine, but it was eating me alive that I couldn't pursue my special interest at the time, recording music, because I was just too busy with working and having a boyfriend. I made the terrible choice and kicked him to the curb. Yeah. I'm paying for it years later.
Workaround? Nope. I've given up trying. I think I'm doomed to a live of loneliness.
Partner understanding of AS? They didn't know I had it. I didn't even know I had it.
Have I told them? I haven't told anyone except a few family members. I don't think they believe it, though.
Am I out? Not at work so much because a lot of medical workers are immigrants and under developed culturally. They don't accept things like that and try to change you sometimes. Arrgghh!
Coming out in general. You couldn't look at me and tell. I've successfully suppressed all signs to blend in. Still, now that I'm basically asexual, the point is moot.

Relationship? - Yes, I have a boyfriend.
Relationship trouble? - Yes, but nothing to do with my AS.
What happened? - I'd rather not get into it. It's not a huge deal.
Did you find workarounds? - We'll see.
Have your partners been understanding of your AS? - Yes. Aside from the obvious problems I have going out and meeting people in the first place, once we start something we're golden.
Have you told them at all? - No. I prefer not to talk about it. It's implied enough from my behavior. We're both very shy, nerdy, and introverted so it's very easy to get along anyway. I prefer not to think of my quirks as a diagnosis, lest I start using it as an excuse for bad behavior on my part.
Are you out? - Yes, I have been out for two years. It was... not an easy conversation. I knew my parents would be fine with it, and it had to happen because I was living with them and dating at the same time, and it was too stressful keeping them in the dark about half my partners. My extended family are another story. I'm out to my cousins, but nobody in older generations knows. I'm not sure whether they really need to know. I'd rather not risk my parents' financial security by alienating them from their conservative relatives; they all live several states away anyway.

As for what it's like being AS and Bi, that's a difficult question to answer, since this is all I've ever known. I'm not sure how to put that in terms someone else would understand. I do enjoy being bi though. I suspect if I were a bit less socially inept I could have a lot of fun with it. It actually has given me some advantages, as I can land male partners much more easily than female ones. I don't have to approach men. I can just sit back and be the object of desire for once. It's very liberating. The problem with that is I've often felt that I could've gotten away with passing for straight if I just had better social skills with women.

I've told a bit about myself and my boyfriend in the "Married Aspie Cafe" thread here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf29793-0-540.html

To summarize, I've been with my boyfriend for about five years. We had a break of about half a year at one point, and this was due to the misunderstandings that my AS created. I would not remember things, zone completely out of everyday life when I was stressed, get depressed easily, and make decisions that seemed smart to me, but off the wall to my boyfriend. After dating others, we decided that we still preferred each other, and we worked hard to figure each other out. Today, we're happy together.

My boyfriend has pushed me a lot. He forced me to deal with AS and work on finding tools to help coping with the things that AS made challenging. I evolved a lot from it, and am completely different than I used to be today. I fixed my diet (cut gluten and caseine) and have less ticks and am less fussy and unfocused than before. I read thousands of pages on AS, trying to find out exactly who I am and how AS affected me. The process has definitely been very painful at times, but I function better than ever and feel both relatively stable and safe, which is new to me. And it's all because I have a boyfriend who in the end is both patient and understanding, and I am very grateful for that.

Ah, I know how that works. In Norway, people are very relaxed when it comes to homosexuality, but in the later years, we have had a whole lot of worker immigrants from eastern Europe, and they are not so tolerant. I felt safe holding hands in public before, but today you risk getting attacked by people from countries like Poland, Serbia and other countries. They need to broaden their horizons.

Funny how different those worlds are. I've never been with a woman and never will since I'm just plain gay, but attracting a mate really can be two completely different jobs in the straight and the gay world. I doubt I would have an easy time getting a female companion, because being gay has allowed me to be more introverted. Though some find it sad, I too have benefited from men being more superficial. At least they seem less interested in your social expertise in the beginning, and then, once you open the door to a relationship, you can go to work if something needs improving. At least you get a chance - I might not have with a woman. Frankly, I am relieved that I won't have much pressure on me for creating a family. Kids, requiring flexibility and knack at adjusting to rapid change would have made me miserable.

Currently primary-partnered with an awesome guy. Will be signing a contract to be his submissive-in-training on monday. Very exciting stuff!

I'm not doing well ... but I'm not discouraged yet. I signed up for match.com and that's going badly, but perhaps it's because I lack the instincts to understand how to navigate the website (been on for two weeks, and no one has replied to my email). OTOH, match.com may not really be that set up for LGBT people, particularly when they're as old as I am. I wish there were easier ways for aspies to date ... there seems to be a complete lack of anything for gay or straight.

Are you in a relationship? No, I am not.

Do you want one? Yes, I would but I'm not currently in a psychological or financial state that would permit the possibility of a (healthy) relationship.

If you have had relationship trouble, has it been aspie-related? I'm not entirely sure. They were short term (the longest was on/off for 2 years) and they ended because I could not trust enough to express myself. However, I'm not sure if that was my natural instinct (as someone who is non-neurotypical) or my nurtured instinct (as someone who was abused). None of them knew about my being non-neurotypical (I didn't even "know" until this past year).

Are you out, and what was coming out as an LGBT person like? I am, somewhat. The only people who don't know that I'm not heterosexual are my parents (I've never actually said it, (because they will disown/evict me) but it's blatantly obvious (once I'm somewhat comfortable around you), so they're either in denial or oblivious beyond belief) and a few family friends. Basically, if someone asks or the topic is of relevance I'll tell them. Only two people know that my gender is not binary; my sister and a cousin, and they're not educated enough to comprehend it or interested enough to care to learn. To them, it is just one more quirk to person that is Drebi, and that's quite all right with me. As for "coming out", it was...bittersweet (and I don't expect that to change, for me anyway).

Am i in a relationship: No, just came out of one.

Asperger's related? Yes

I was with a guy for about 5 months. The night we met was really nice but he had to go back to uni for a couple of months. When he was back it was amazing, we had such a great time. Then from july things went downhill. Whenever i was with him he would comment on my dress-sense, appearance and other things in a negative way (it was a joke apparently so i rolled on with it) He would come out with me and my friends and they would comment on the way he talked down to me in public. Due to the asperger's i was incredibly naive and just thought it was possibly people's jelousy. But then i noticed my confidence went down after the continous comments. Even though he said it was a joke, i was struggling to see the funny side. So it got the end of august and i decided to break-up with him. After alot of support from my friend, she recommended for my benefit that i should break up with him to avoid slipping into a form of depression. She was right as after i broke up with him i felt alot happier. The thing is, is that i broke up with him over the phone, now a lot of people would say that was disrespectful, but i argued my point that i couldn't do it to his face. As fellow aspies will know, watching people crying can cause us to have severe meltdowns. In the past, and sometimes recently, whenever i see my mum or someone else special to me cry i burst into meltdown where i cant talk and have to leave the room. Obviously, i always try to overcome hurdles but this one is just too huge at the moment. Also, even though i tried to make an emotional attachment, i couldn't. He was so deeply emotional attached, it seemed like we were too opposite ends. Are aspies not capable of loving someone? I really hope i am wrong.

Another thing is that i felt i was forced to come out by him which i eventually did to my mum. she seemed happy at the time but ever since it has never been mentioned and whenever i talk about what men i find attractive, my mum steers the topic away. Sorry for the dissertation

I hope that's not true.

no.

yes.

maybe.

short answer is that i neither transmit nor receive body language. this seriously creeps out most people ["uncanny valley"].

nope.

never had any partners.

only am "out" to my aspie meetup group, who are mostly gay. but i believe i wear my gayness on my sleeve, so to speak, IOW it is obvious to anybody with half a brain.

Not currently in a relationship.

Would love to be in one, unfortunately I work six days a week and have no money.

My last relationship was just constant relationship trouble by the end, I'm reluctant to describe it as aspie-related, 'culture-clash' seems more apt.

I am completely out about being autistic, mainly because my ex told everyone behind my back, but hey, it saved me some awkward conversations.

I am semi-out about being a bisexual lady who seems gradually to be losing all interest in ever dating men again. It has been stressful, partly because at 26 I feel well old, everyone else I know seems to have been out since they were half my age.

Others may disagree with me, but I find that gay community dating sites work better than regular ones. They seem to attract a lot more gay people, and with a narrower focus than mainly straight sites, I find they make finding likeminded people easier.

Oh!! ! I hadn't thought of that. But it makes sense and jives with the trouble I've been having with match . com. Do you have any links for the Boston area gay dating websites?

Are you in a relationship? Yup.
Do you want one? Yup... we both like and need our space, so that's good.
If you have had relationship trouble, has it been aspie-related? Of course.
What happened? I find a lot of things send me into confusion and anger and I'm generally strange, so some difficulty is inevitable. He's been very good.
Did you find workarounds others might benefit from trying? Not beyond "already made so many mistakes before that I can spot what's coming and head it off better these days."
Has your partners been understanding of your AS? Yes. But then he talks less than I do. ^^ I'm developing - in a deliberate way - a lot more "front" over the years, but even so.
Have you told them at all? Yah.
How? With words!
Are you out, and what was coming out as an LGBT person like? Yeah, mostly. I don't hide, but I don't volunteer unless pressed. I always assume - because plenty of people know - that it's common knowledge through gossip, and I'm regularly surprised that people don't realise. Surprisingly painless as far as friends reactions go, although I get disbelief and people wilfully ignoring my transgenderedness.