Male/female roles in same sex relationships.

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Hi,
I'm interested to hear people's opinions about male/female traditional style roles and how relevant they are in same sex relationships. All opinions are very welcome. I'm trying to work out whether or not this is a dynamic of all (straight and gay) relationships and to what degree they play a part. I would have thought that these traditional roles have lost relevance in todays modern society even for straight couples, but for same sex couples I don't really see any relevance at all. I'm so confused by the thought of applying traditional role structures to my same sex relationship. Am I the boy or am I the girl? Do I propose marriage or does he? If I earn more money does that mean I'm the male figure? And a million similar questions come to my aspie mind. To be honest, I think it's more than a little ridiculous I'm even asking these questions in the first place! I was under the impression that most gay relationships are based on equality and mutual respect rather than traditional male/female role playing. Am I wrong?

Any healthy relationship is based on mutual respect and equality, no matter what gender you were born, what gender you've transitioned to, or what gender you're attracted to.

Some people subscribe to gender roles because: they identify with them, they feel compelled by expectations to fit within them, or because they're attracted to the binary gender role dynamic. For whatever reason, some people are compelled to make it part of their lives, while others aren't.

Subscribing to stereotypical gender roles does not mean that partners in a relationship are unequal. Partners can be in an unequal relationship in addition, but simply subscribing to gender roles does not mean they are unequal. Work stereotypically considered to be "women's work" is no less important than what is stereotypically considered "men's work" because even way back in the day when that gender role dynamic was considered the "norm," a household required both parts of that dynamic in order to effectively function.

Personally, I'm a lesbian. I don't try to be a stereotypical "woman" any more than I try to be a stereotypical "man" -- I'm just me. I dress how I feel comfortable without any real concern for what other people may label me as. When I'm in a relationship, I behave like myself with no concern whatsoever as to whether I'd be considered one role or another. I'm too busy being myself and living my life to care what others may label me as, because, at the end of the day, it's just an arbitrary word and it doesn't change who I am. My likes or dislikes, my attractions, my skills, strengths, weaknesses, every part of me is still the same with or without some label someone might give me. I think Shakespeare puts it quite well:

"Thou art thyself, though not a Montague. What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor any other part belonging to a man. O, be some other name! What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet..."
---"Romeo and Juliet" by William Shakespeare (Act 2, Scene 2, Lines 38-44)

That's me, though...and everyone's different. Some people feel more comfortable in roles and that's okay. If that's what makes you comfortable, go right ahead, there's nothing wrong with being the "man" in a relationship or the "woman" or somewhere in between. Try whichever roles you like and see which one or which combination fits with you. There's no right answer, there's only what's right for you and no one can tell you that but yourself.

I hope this helps to give you some perspective.

Brilliant response, thank you! I hope more people choose to contribute to this with as much thought and depth. I find this apect of the human experience absolutely fascinating.

This is interesting, given all the "who has it easier?" threads in Love and Dating. Thanks for posting this.

I can really only speak to my same-sex realtionships, in which male/female traditional style roles are entirely irrelevant.

Rather the point of my same-sex relationships has been that neither of us is female. Regarding sexual activity, our behaviour is not modelled on any one else's sexual activity. In daily living, we divide the responsibilities between us.

I'm glad I can contribute. One of the hardest and longest lessons I've had to learn is that there rarely is any black and white in things, figuratively speaking. In terms of relationships, gender, sexuality, etc. when it comes to labels, we often end up picking whichever label we're closest to -- and that label rarely fits us completely, we're often short by a foot here, overlap by a few feet there...it's so inexact... To that end, I've found trying not to define things to be a very rewarding, fluid way of living. Though, it can be difficult not to have a 'name' to call yourself -- whether for the purpose of conversation or just to have something to tell yourself. It's not for everybody, but it is an interesting experience -- with no boundaries, so inspiring, too -- if you're so inclined.