Trans and not sure if on AS

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Hey guys! (First off, I'm sorry if this story is a little long and jumpy!) I am FTM, and since I can remember (about age 4) have felt that I was born in the wrong body. I'm currently a 21 year old who has been on hormones for a little over a year now. I never thought anything was really wrong with me (Autism spectrum-wise) until my gender therapist at the time asked my parents to bring me to a neuropsychologist. At the time I was 17. I thought she just wanted me to go to make sure I was OK to start hormones. When the doctor sat down with my parents and I my parents went into this long winded explanation that they thought I had Asperger's. At the time I was just pissed. Growing up I was frustrated being in the wrong body, at a very early age 4-8ish I had an easy time making friends. When my parents started pushing me to act like a little lady instead of a rowdy boy, I became withdrawn, but I still had some friends. Middle school was the worst, but who isn't middle school hell for? In high school I was accepted into a vocational school, and came out as trans right away. I had tons of friends... but everyone was friendly with everyone, with a class size of 100. This testing happened in the middle of my senior year. I didn't see the results, which I went over with my gender therapist, until after I was more than halfway through my sophomore year of college (talk about a long time to go over these results!). My therapist gave me the papers. I went home to read them more carefully, and the whole time I read my parents explanation for things, I cried and went over in my head why I did them. A good deal of the list they made had to do with being trans. The neuropsych ruled that I didn't have Asperger's, but if my parents included a few more items on the list (which I guess they almost did), then I would have been considered either borderline or have Asperger's.

So many people have a couple signs of Asperger's, but that doesn't mean that they have it themselves. These results though, just the thought that I may have Asperger's is constantly clouding my thoughts. The biggest reason why, is because when I interact with people that I don't know, I get quiet. I never know what to say to people I've just met... and I've recently started to get nervous thinking about what others think of me. I've started stuttering sometimes when I talk to people... or get speechless. I've never been a nervous person, but have started, and it's snowballing. Another reason is that I've been single for a while now, but hate going out to meet new people, and I don't even know how to do this! To make this whole thing harder, I'm gay... (meaning i like guys). I hate gay clubs/bars, and they aren't good places to meet potential relationships anyway. So I am sort of lost as to how to meet people. At my university I live on my school's GLBT floor, and I'm friends with most of the people. I'm in the GLBT club also, and it's mostly people from my floor plus some. I'm in a few other clubs, but not really anything that gay guys flock to.

I'm just feeling really lost at this point in my life. I just don't know where to turn to next... Any advice? Sorry about the rant and thank you!

Thanks a bunch! That helped a lot! I think I just feel rushed with everything because that is how my school environment is... but I'll try to cut myself a break.

I think there are few important things to remember.

First--and most important--no one knows you better than you know yourself. Your parents may have ideas, your therapist and a neuropsychologist may have ideas, but you have your own experiences. You may not have the advantage of objectivity (but frankly, how objective can your parents be?) and you may not have the advantage of professional training. But you have the unique advantage of your own experience.

Second, your body is having a different experience that most of us had--your exposure to testosterone is later in life than men who were born in male bodies. That means that at 21, you are coping with physical aspects of your development that many of us were going through in our mid teens. That's going to have an impact on your socialization.

Third, most people learn to date in their teens. It's a time to make a lot of mistakes with a great deal of protection still around. Your sexuality and your sexual identity have both served to deprive you of that learning experience, and you have to learn to date without much of a safety net. I strongly advise that you cultivate a circle of supportive friends who can help you navigate this world. If they are navigating it, too, all the better--you can help each other.

I assure you, there are gay guys out there for you. Not all of them--but not all gay guys are out there for me or for any other man. We come in all shapes, sizes and types, and that most assuredly includes FTM gay guys.